Dennis Emmental hated being late because it revealed to everyone how little he wanted to be there. Slipping past the creaky back door, he took his place in the line at OptiFood. Orders came from the digital kiosk at the drive-thru and Dennis had twenty-four seconds to assemble the ingredients for the OptiMeal:
- Chinese: steak|chicken|fish, Szechuan sauce, noodles, lettuce, pepper, peanuts, onion
- Mexican: beef|chicken, cheese 1, Picante sauce, lettuce, pepper, Guacamole sauce, sour cream
- Italian: beef|chicken, Diable sauce, noodles, pepper, lettuce, onion, cheese 2
- Thai: beef|chicken, cheese 1, noodles, Picante sauce, Szechuan sauce, pepper, onion
- Murican: beef|chicken, cheese 2, Diable sauce, bread 11, Gaucamole sauce, cheese 1, lettuce
- European: steak|chicken|fish, lettuce, pepper, sour cream, cheese 2, onion, bread 11
He and his cohorts were dumping ingredients in the short, stout, beaker-shaped commemorative plastic buckets used to serve the twenty-four ounce meals. The store was open twenty-four hours a day, and had a thirty-eight percent turnover rate at a six month interval. The owners were unconcerned; they had reached the point where it took a million bucks just to think about suing them, and everyone knew that most of their employees were retards and flakes and so just laughed off their complaints.
Tags: cheese, evil, god, immortality, Satan, sodomy
When riding the subway in a major American city one is likely to encounter a homeless person panhandling for money. There is usually a canned speech of sorts that may or may not sound something like this:
“Hi my name is Daniel. I am homeless. I lost my job, I am cold, and I am hungry with no food to eat. Please donate whatever you can so I can eat. God bless.”
When I see musicians and journalists advertising Kickstarter, Patreon, and other fundrasing campaigns I hear the same speech in my head. This speech sounds something along the lines of:
“Hi my name is Daniel. I am a musician. I have no job, I am cold, and I am unmedicated with no Starbucks Frappacino to drink. Please donate money so I can record a blatantly mediocre album that I will also charge you for. I will hate you if you do not give me this money.”
Tags: hipsters, Kickstarter, narcissism, Paetron, poverty, Trendkillers
As previously pointed out by the editor of this site, metal demo recordings does not exist as crass commercial propositions with the sole purpose of advertising the market viability of the artist, but function — at least ideally — as independent works produced and distributed without further infringement from the recording industry. In spite of eventual shortcomings resulting from lack of budget, experience, and time, demo-level recordings remain a breath of fresh air because they oftentimes capture bands at a nascent and untempered creative stage.
Tags: 1993, Ancient, Black Metal, eerily howling winds, norway
Wolf’s Lair Abyss was the first new proposition by the remaining Mayhem line up after De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, and all the personal drama and loss that it signified. Needless to say, the pressure upon the band on the musical level- especially of music as a dark art, as Euronymous would have it- was quite high. Expectations after an Immortal album of far and wide reach were not at all encouraging. The remainder of the band had to find a way in which they could work from the solid basis of the past towards a unique development that did not come off as an insult or a betrayal to all that had been accomplished. The solution found by the band here was almost perfect, but it ultimately was only a transition whose eventual development would show if the full potential for growth would be adeptly exploited. Still, there is much to be said about the unique identity of this brief but memorable foray into chaos.
Tags: 1996, Black Metal, mayhem, metal, underground, wolf's lair abyss
After a long hiatus from the public sphere, Texan death/doom veteran Divine Eve has been scheduled as supporters for Impiety on their American Armageddon 2018 tour across the United States.
Tags: divine eve, impiety, tour
2017 was a shit waste of a year when it came to metal music. Yet with a whole generation of useless neckbeard millennials frantically trying to pursue a career in metal journalism via a desperate pursuit of vindication from that $40,000 of communications-degree student loan debt we have hundreds of “best metal albums” lists every year. Because there are thousands of metal releases each year hundreds of shitty musicians and journalists are somehow convinced that their opinion matters and that people care about their lists, we now have list after list with totally different picks because no one can possibly sit through a listen of thousand releases ever year. Where the commonality lies is that all of the number one picks are fecal matter on toilet tissue, usually not metal and certainly not even worth listening to.
Let’s cremate the foul miasma of 2017 with a funeral pyre of epic proportions: a sadistic metal review carbonization of #1 picks from the fakest of the fake metal news outlets…
Tags: Altarage, byzantine, Code Orange, Cvlt Nation, decibel, fake metal news, fake news, fake news awards, hipsters, incineration, metal hammer, MetalSucks, paradise lost, rape, rolling stone, sadistic metal reviews, The Contortionist, Trump
Counting among the longest running US black metal institutions to date, Black Funeral has given birth to a motley collection of musical works over the last twenty-five years, spanning regional adaptions of Northern European black metal, over dark ambient and archaic/industrial drones, through the Les Legions Noires-styled raw melodic approach of later years.
Tags: black funeral, Black Metal, melodic black metal
It’s here! YouTube’s rapidly accelerating censorship committee has finally begun targeting musicians with their Orwellian “hate speech” laws. Pandering to the advertisers that have quietly bought the operations of Silicon Valley tech companies and the souls of all Silicon Valley employees, YouTube has begun a fascist campaign of censoring any videos that may cause trouble for any company that may accidentally place an ad on it. So far this has primarily targeted vloggers for (conservative) wrongthink- videos portraying horrifically offensive hatred such as statistics, scientific research, or biological facts. Yet strangely, the first band in the greater sphere of heavy music that YouTube has gone after is a modern nu-metal/rap rock band who, in all honesty, looks pretty leftist….
Tags: 2018, big tech, cesorship, communism, news, tolaterian
Ethereal second-wave black metal band Graveland will be touring across Europe in 2018, continuing a series of selected dates in Germany, Poland, and Ukraine. At these shows, the band will be playing songs from its compilation of re-recorded Graveland songs with the classic feel but without the “old days” bad production, 1050 Years of Pagan Cult, which is available through Heritage Records.
Tags: Black Metal, germany, graveland, poland, Ukraine
Every year we are treated to an endless amount of ridiculous lists. It seems that any individual with the ability to express their opinions is obligated to share their Top 10 or top 20 metal releases that more often than not echo the same three websites. The bands that enter such lists tend to come in two varieties: veterans rehashing the same ideas in a more streamlined fashion and those who trick their audience via the use of gimmicks and presenting a familiar product with slightly different aesthetics as the next big thing. In these last two years, speed metal has conquered the number 1 spot of most of these lists. Last year Vektor’s Terminal Redux ruled the metal lists by far with it’s melody derived from Voivod and the phrasings from Destruction’s Eternal Devastation all held together in long sloppily composed epics… ultimately resulting in an above average album but a strong move for the funderground. This year, Texans Power Trip succeed in winning the “funderground 2017 award” with their second album Nightmare Logic. The Speed metal revival movement has finally found its idols to guide it’s path of remaining in the past and offering the most faithful reproduction of late 80s speed/thrash.
Tags: 2017, funderground, Hardcore, hipsters, power trip, Thrash