Trend Remover: The Last Jedi Is The Last Film You Should Ever See

by Hentavirus Jefferson-Gonzales

In my small mid-western town, everyone but one guy went to the new Star Wars™ Disney film, The Last Jedi. That is, if “everyone” means all of the hipsters, SWPLs, corporate cucks, bro-hold-my-beer, 4chan neckbeards, backyard shed dwelling NEETs, goodguy white knight Mormons, and SJWs count as “everyone.” The one guy stayed home because he had power diarrhea but his friends kept texting him pictures and updates.



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Choose Your Own Black Dahlia Murder Adventure

The Black Dahlia Murder think that they’re the new Bolt Thrower. Nowhere in space and grind does that make any sense. It’s time for a new short story. You guys will vote on what happens next. A new chapter will go up every day until the weekend.



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The Sad Pandemic of West Coast “Black Metal”

Today’s American black metal has found itself right within the parameters of Poe’s Law which, when applied to this abomination of a music scene, would sound something like this:



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Death Yell Premiere “Soulless” From Upcoming Descent Into Hell

Chilean death metal band Death Yell premiered a new track off their upcoming debut album Descent Into Hell, which comes out in August on Hells Headbangers. “Soulless” is an unremarkable but inoffensive riff salad. I don’t remember anything about five minutes after listening to it twice other than it reminded me more of Teutonic speed metal than death metal. The album probably won’t be that great and Death Yell will probably end up opening for other Chilean bands such as Pentagram (Chile), Ripper or Unaussprechlichen Kulten.



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Vice Magazine’s Embarrassing French Black Metal Film

As part of their quest to ruin everything interesting and appealing about both metal and life, the gullible cronies of media pyramid scheme Vice Magazine have journeyed to the grim countrysides of the French black metal underground to film what is undoubtedly the most boring film in the history of music. While Vice markets this abomination as a “documentary” calling it such is actually a misleading statement as the film is little more than a collection of autistic ramblings without a single question or narrative statement. In any case, the eyesore is a bastardization of the region’s legacy as any shred of decency still possessed by the founding members of Mutiilation and Drakkar Productions have been urinated directly into the toilet as they hammed it up for the same forces that they claim to be rebelling against. Fortunately, the film’s lack of credible sources and unbelievably poor post-production prevents it from succeeding in the demystification of what was once one of the more intriguing regional black metal scenes.



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Infamous / Winter Blackness – Symbols of Scarlet Revenge (2017)

Infamous have delivered us yet another split with a weaker but by no means incompetent band. Winter Darkness provide the almost filler this time on Symbols of Scarlet Revenge, playing somewhat generic, riff salad black metal that doesn’t really go anywhere special on this split has promise if they could unite the various parts together in order to express something greater than merely “We actually play black metal, we wrote riffs, they’re not random, and our music is not that so bad that it will make the Death Metal Underground editor press a power drill into his skull.”1 In their defense, Winter Blackness use RAC-like drumming, and songs that conserve sneering tension that sometimes resolves on “Demons of Winter Blackness” and leaves you wishing the band would explode on “Frozen Nocturnal Blood”. A slow burning match that burns out into darkness rather than lighting a fire is not the best way to conclude a record. At least Winter Darkness are way more aggressive than Gratzug’s half of the Infamous / Gratzug split.



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