The Haarslev PB30/60 As Big As The Ritz

Dennis Emmental hated being late because it revealed to everyone how little he wanted to be there. Slipping past the creaky back door, he took his place in the line at OptiFood. Orders came from the digital kiosk at the drive-thru and Dennis had twenty-four seconds to assemble the ingredients for the OptiMeal:

  • Chinese: steak|chicken|fish, Szechuan sauce, noodles, lettuce, pepper, peanuts, onion
  • Mexican: beef|chicken, cheese 1, Picante sauce, lettuce, pepper, Guacamole sauce, sour cream
  • Italian: beef|chicken, Diable sauce, noodles, pepper, lettuce, onion, cheese 2
  • Thai: beef|chicken, cheese 1, noodles, Picante sauce, Szechuan sauce, pepper, onion
  • Murican: beef|chicken, cheese 2, Diable sauce, bread 11, Gaucamole sauce, cheese 1, lettuce
  • European: steak|chicken|fish, lettuce, pepper, sour cream, cheese 2, onion, bread 11

He and his cohorts were dumping ingredients in the short, stout, beaker-shaped commemorative plastic buckets used to serve the twenty-four ounce meals. The store was open twenty-four hours a day, and had a thirty-eight percent turnover rate at a six month interval. The owners were unconcerned; they had reached the point where it took a million bucks just to think about suing them, and everyone knew that most of their employees were retards and flakes and so just laughed off their complaints.

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SJWs Threaten Nocturnus Over Keyboardist’s Facebook Posts

Some punk scenester social justice twat named Alyssa Lorenzon lashed out at Mike Browning after comments the keyboardist of his Nocturnus AD revival of Nocturnus made on Facebook documenting his poor sexual success with sexually abused and bipolar women.

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Meditations on the Death of Wishful Thinking

To be a writer, if you are any good, is to be a blasphemer. Humanity is an entropy engine because each person decides on what view of the world makes them look the best, and so the constant weight pushing down on us is that of the herd, of a group of individuals united only by selfishness, come together into a mob for the purpose of asserting their right to be different and unique, constantly leading away from an understanding of the world around us and any meaning that can be found in it.

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Metalsucks, Shut the Fuck Up


by David McEric

The shamelessly slimy Metalsucks claim to have received an “open letter” from The Anti-NSBM Working Group, asking Hells Headbangers Records “to cease releasing and distributing Nazi propaganda,” a spurious claim at best, and a needlessly high-handed position against a family business with no ties to Nazism, racism, or any specific intolerance of any kind, past running a label and distro full of acts that advocate mass murder and devil worship like any good metal band should. The alleged group who wrote the letter doesn’t have much of an online identity, but Metalsucks does, and since they were the ones who posted this clickbait tripe in the first place, this open letter is directed at them.

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Metal Molester 2017 So Far SMR


Article by Linus Douglas.

As these Observer posers speed past 2017’s halfway point, they present a selection that is indeed a dumpster fire representative of the shit pool that their mainstream metal listening provides them with. Only those who need to be eradicated (rapists, communists, child molesters, serial killers, hipsters, etc.) genuinely think that stoner rock and boring, slow heavy rock bands are examples of heavy metal. Their piss-poor “culling” (badass, huh?) from the “metal cauldron” of mee-maw’s recipes was as follows:

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New Suffocation Record “Put Together Right on the Spot”

In a recent promotional video for Suffocation‘s upcoming not so great album …Of the Dark Light, frontman Frank Mullen admitted that since the band members live all over the place and not in one centralized area, have lives outside of Suffocation, and don’t really practice as much anymore “so a lot of stuff was put together kinda like right on the spot.” Rhythm guitarist Charlie Errigo said “It’s like a videogame. It’s like each riff is a level and you got that hard riff that’s the boss.”

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Suffocation – …Of the Dark Light (2017)

Review contributed to Death Metal Underground by Edward Colt.

Suffocation overreaches on this one. Favoring the pubescent Call Of Duty crowd, they have fully bent over and accepted that their last handful of albums are: video game music. With new artwork that looks like something out of Mass Effect, all …Of the Dark Light invokes is some strange ground between nerd-rage and ravehead drug bingers. The cover artwork could be the poster of some corn field sponsored outdoor rave event in your nearest rural area away from seemingly never-ending suburban sprawl.

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