Nuclear Blast Signs Possessed

Article by Cullen Toner.

In an attempt to swiftly cash in on both the trend of retro 80’s rehash and the trend to sell the world’s most fragile human beings as the new face of metal, Nuclear Blast has signed the crippled remains of the once titanic death metal band Possessed. Despite the band being active since 2007, the timing was appropriate now due to the liberal media’s executed agenda of celebrating and overcompensating for society’s weakest members. The hipster metal community’s plastic face of acceptance will be tested mightily as the urge to cringe upon viewing the sorry state of the band’s handicapped turf leader will be difficult to resist.

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Profanatica Playing Maryland Show Next Week

Profanatica are playing a one off show in suburban Silver Spring, Maryland, next week right outside of the politician-infested swamp that is Washington, D.C. This will be a good chance for capital area fanatics to see Profanatica live if they missed them at the Maryland Deathfest pre-show last year. Hopefully Profanatica will change up their set list and play songs not from from Sickened by the Holy Host / The Grand Masters Session EPs and the not so good The Curling Flame of Blasphemy. Recent shows have been very heavy on compositions from those three recordings.

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Diamond Head Release “Diamonds” Video

New Wave of British Heavy Metal band Diamond Head released a new music video for the hard rock “Diamonds” off their recent self-titled Diamond Head record to promote their upcoming US tour. Diamond Head infamously committed career suicide with the awful Canterbury just a few years after releasing the super influential to Metallica, Lightning to the Nations.

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Crackhead Bobby Liebling Assaults Elderly Mother

Former and probably current crack smoker Bobby Liebling of long running stoner rock, pseudo-metal band Pentagram was arrested for apparently assaulting his elderly mother, causing him to be dropped from Pentagram’s upcoming European tour. Liebling famously was filmed smoking crack in his elderly parents’ basement in suburban Maryland for the Pentagram documentary Last Days Here. Liebling’s drug problems and abhorrent personal behavior have long sabotaged any chance Pentagram may have had at creative of commercial success.

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Suffocation Release “Return To The Abyss” Lyric Video

Suffocation released a new lyric video of their upcoming, awful phoned-in album, …Of the Dark Light. Suffocation have dumbed themselves down to mediocre speed metal with generic riffs rehashed from their classic material prior to their 1998, post Despise the Sun breakup. Return to the Abyss is incredibly boring. Do not buy this phoned in excuse to tour. Do not see Suffocation on tour without Frank Mullen.

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Metallica Pop-Up Store in NYC

Metallica have opened up a pop-up store in New York City for the weekend to coincide with their Hardwired… To Self-Destruct US tour. If you live in New York and still don’t have copies of Kill ’em All, Ride the Lightning, or Master of Puppets, you’re not shit out of luck; you can go and buy them on CD if you still buy CDs. The remasters sound fine even if they are more compressed than the eighties CDs. Lars’ drumming is mediocre and Hetfield already ran his guitar through a limiter on Ride the Lightning onward so who cares.

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Emperor Prepare Anthems… Anniversary Tour

Emperor are currently preparing to tour in celebration of the twentieth anniversary their second album, the third rate Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk. While Emperor kept on wearing armor, Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk saw Emperor simplify their trademark complex, almost symphonic Norwegian black metal sound down to two to three note speed metal influenced riffs with neo-classical wank leads in conventional verse-chorus-verse heavy metal songs to appeal to a wider, Wacken-going audience.

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The Revenge of Blake Judd


Article by Cullen Toner.

Blake Judd, the man we can thank for introducing the entire Chicago metal scene to the heroin addictions that will hopefully lead to mass die offs sooner than later, is back in business. Despite leaving legions of metal posers with sore asses and empty pockets, the Nachtmystium main-man proves that money is thicker than tears time and time again. And now his sheer invincibility is proven once more as he’s already got the retardedly gullible liberal metal sites begging for his cumshots over his new lineup and tour dates.

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Bangladesh Deporting Krisiun

Bangadesh continued the worldwide governmental war on mediocre speed metal by arranging to deport mediocre Brazilian speed metal band Krisiun for supposedly blaspheming against monotheism and Islam in the lyrics to their music. Krisiun were in the overwhelmingly Muslim third world country to play a sold-out festival. Bangladeshi metal fans should man up and listen to better metal bands now. Krisiun then confirmed that they were special snowflakes who believe in equality for all people, creeds, things, places, trees, and toilet paper brands regardless of their quality, proficiency, or absorbency:

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USA Deports Evil Invaders

Funderground Belgian speed metal band Evil Invaders were deported from the United States according to their Funbook page for not having the appropriate work visas to play a metal festival in Milwaukee. Evil Invaders were not being paid to play the festival. The festival organizers were only covering Evil Invaders plane tickets and transportation cost for the band and their equipment. Since the festival organizers were still charging for tickets and making money, Evil Invaders needed an appropriate work visa, which they did not have, thus they were deported.

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