Suffocation Release “Return To The Abyss” Lyric Video

Suffocation released a new lyric video of their upcoming, awful phoned-in album, …Of the Dark Light. Suffocation have dumbed themselves down to mediocre speed metal with generic riffs rehashed from their classic material prior to their 1998, post Despise the Sun breakup. Return to the Abyss is incredibly boring. Do not buy this phoned in excuse to tour. Do not see Suffocation on tour without Frank Mullen.

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Metallica Pop-Up Store in NYC

Metallica have opened up a pop-up store in New York City for the weekend to coincide with their Hardwired… To Self-Destruct US tour. If you live in New York and still don’t have copies of Kill ’em All, Ride the Lightning, or Master of Puppets, you’re not shit out of luck; you can go and buy them on CD if you still buy CDs. The remasters sound fine even if they are more compressed than the eighties CDs. Lars’ drumming is mediocre and Hetfield already ran his guitar through a limiter on Ride the Lightning onward so who cares.

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Emperor Prepare Anthems… Anniversary Tour

Emperor are currently preparing to tour in celebration of the twentieth anniversary their second album, the third rate Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk. While Emperor kept on wearing armor, Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk saw Emperor simplify their trademark complex, almost symphonic Norwegian black metal sound down to two to three note speed metal influenced riffs with neo-classical wank leads in conventional verse-chorus-verse heavy metal songs to appeal to a wider, Wacken-going audience.

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Bangladesh Deporting Krisiun

Bangadesh continued the worldwide governmental war on mediocre speed metal by arranging to deport mediocre Brazilian speed metal band Krisiun for supposedly blaspheming against monotheism and Islam in the lyrics to their music. Krisiun were in the overwhelmingly Muslim third world country to play a sold-out festival. Bangladeshi metal fans should man up and listen to better metal bands now. Krisiun then confirmed that they were special snowflakes who believe in equality for all people, creeds, things, places, trees, and toilet paper brands regardless of their quality, proficiency, or absorbency:

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USA Deports Evil Invaders

Funderground Belgian speed metal band Evil Invaders were deported from the United States according to their Funbook page for not having the appropriate work visas to play a metal festival in Milwaukee. Evil Invaders were not being paid to play the festival. The festival organizers were only covering Evil Invaders plane tickets and transportation cost for the band and their equipment. Since the festival organizers were still charging for tickets and making money, Evil Invaders needed an appropriate work visa, which they did not have, thus they were deported.

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Bill Steer Admits Making Arena Rock

Bill Steer, the guitarist of sell-out grindcore legends turned butt rock turkey Carcass, did an interview with hipster social justice warrior rock website Vice Noisey last week where he ranked Carcass’s albums in order of his favorites. Bill Steer admitted that Necroticism: Descanting the Insalubrious was pretentious death ‘n’ roll instrumental wank and that continuing in that style would not have provided any future for the band so they started writing heavy metal for arena rock fans on Heartwork as only about three hundred people at every big show Carcass played actually liked death metal at all. Bill Steer finally dropped all pretense of Carcass’s later material being traditional heavy metal and admitted it is actually written as arena rock in order to please the most people.
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Blessed Are the Sick Full Dynamic Range Reissue Announced

Earache Records announced a reissue of Morbid Angel‘s last great record, Blessed Are the Sick, as part of their “Full Dynamic Range” series. The Full Dynamic Range reissues are sourced directly from the analog mix tapes or digital Betamax or DAT ones with no compression applied in mastering when released on CD, LP, or lossless FLAC formats. They all sound great for the most part and far better than most other vinyl reissues that just print whatever the current CD master is to wax using direct metal mastering. The digital (CD/FLAC) Carnage, Carcass, Realm of Chaos, and Altars of Madness ones are the best sounding versions of those albums by far.

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Demoncy & Profanatica Headlining Mass Destruction Metal Fest

The Mass Destruction Metal Fest to be held in Atlanta, Georgia on November 3rd and 4th announced a great lineup this year with Demoncy and Profanatica among the headliners. Also playing are Acheron, Macabre, Nocturnus AD, Deceased, and Brutality. The festival should be a great chance for headbangers in the southeastern United States to experience two of the best American black metal bands live.

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Antifa Supports NAMBLA For The Same Reason That They Hate Heavy Metal

Several founders of By Any Means Necessary, the communist antifascist groups censoring campus speakers and metal bands in Berkeley, have been discovered to support the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), a pro-pedophilia and pederasty criminal organization that works toward the legalization of child rape and exploitation in the United States.

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Lame Gates of Ishtar Albums Reissued

Century Media has reissued third rate Gothenburg melodeaf band Gates of Ishtar’s first two studio albums, The Dawn of Flames and At Dusk and Forever, remastered by Dugout Studios (vinyl mastering by Patrick W. Engel) and with new artwork from Juanjo Castellano as the original artwork was “really ugly” according to the band. The band should have been more concerned with writing worthwhile material than artwork for lame, cash-in releases on the popularity of In Flames and other competitors with VH1’s adult contemporary lite rock. Gates of Ishtar were not “melodic death metal masters” but warmed-over bouncy speed and power metal for a late 90s mallrat and Wacken audiences just like the most of their contemporary bands from Gothenburg, Sweden when they weren’t making outright pop music.

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