Metal Hammer Magazine Shuts Down

Thirty year old British metal magazine Metal Hammer is no more after its parent company Team Rock Ltd went into administration due to losing 8.8 million pounds last year. The printed mainstream media was unable to compete content wise with zines back in the day and the internet has finally put it down. Seventy three shills are rightfully out of work.

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Sadistic Metal Reviews 12-23-2016

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Trey Azagthoth’s Mom Mad Dave Vincent Formed Morbid Angel Cover Band

Former Morbid Angel frontman Evil Diamond Dave Vincent formed a Morbid Angel cover band, I Am Morbid, with the last Morbid Angel drummer, Tim Yueng, to tour South America with. Apparently the whole country music, honky tonk bar band schtick hasn’t been working out for Evil D. The transition from Necromonicon to NASCAR failed to bring fruit financial rewards.

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Immolation Announce More Death Pop

Immolation announced a new album in their recent style of taking their own material and simplifying or parodying it down into pop rock for a beer swilling speed metal audience who eat up every new Metallica and Sodom record of randomly rehashed tunes. Atonement is the story of Cecilia (Keira Knightley) and Robbie’s (James McAvoy) life turning to hell when Briony, Cecilia’s bratty little sister, falsely accuses James McAvoy of rape. Cecilia and Robbie die horribly but Briony becomes a successful novelist. Ross Dolan insists that Keira Knightley did a great job wearing that green dress in Immolation’s best sounding release to date despite the fact that Dawn of Possession still exists and was recently reissued:

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Leftists Ignore Scientific Research & Pander to the Mentally Ill

Johns Hopkins has recently started offering genital reassignment surgery to patients, commonly called transsexual or transgendered, with the body dysmorphia of deluding themselves the opposite gender from what they physically are. This change comes decades after the hospital discontinued the surgery to no positive psychological long term benefit to patients who underwent it, only dysfunctional genitalia and incontinence. This change is probably due to the leftist Humans Rights Council condemning the recent scientific report from two noted Hopkins physicians, Dr. Lawrence S.Mayer and Dr. Paul McHugh as, “An attack on LGBT communities.” Promulgators of sexual deviancy Human Rights Council also attacked the freedom of speech of Mayer and McHugh along with Johns Hopkins’ academic freedom, threatening that “its Healthcare Equality Index score will be reduced substantially” as “the HRC Foundation’s Healthcare Equality Index will rate hospitals with a numerical score and will consider whether hospitals and health systems’ practices reflect “’responsible citizenship’.”

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White Death Releases “Immortal Hunter Of The Moon” Off Upcoming Eponymous Debut

In anticipation of their eponymous debut, Southern Karelia’s White Death released a track from the album, “Immortal Hunter of the Moon.” This mid-length track instills expectation by improving upon the previous also eponymous two-song EP released in 2014. Where that recording consisted of raw, foot-stomping black metal that was pleasant enough for a listen once in a blue moon, the new track shows an increase in dynamics that lifts the material to a new level of intensity while also –- perhaps more importantly -– giving it a sense of direction.

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Trench Warfare Prepares Split Album Paths to Victorious Perversion

Necrotic war metal band Trench Warfare recorded four songs in late 2016 for appearance on a future split with Goatdusias and Bestial Karnage entitled Paths to Victorious Perversion. The band recruited drummer Lee Fisher (Commit Suicide, Psyopus, Overlord Exterminator) to record percussion for the upcoming release. Titles on the album include “Twisted Lies of a Wretched Pedophile,” “Astral Projection into the Shapeless Abysmal Void” and “Hatred Prayer.”

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Arab States Lie About Funding Islamic Fundamentalism

Saudi Arabia and the other too consanguineously bred Gulf monarchies are denying the fact that they support Islamic extremism in western states against accusations by the domestic German intelligence agency according to recent news reports. The Saudis are denying that they even support the Salafist ideology despite “Salafism” simply being an appeasing, more hen-pecked liberal term for Wahhabism, the fundamentalist Sunni movement founded in the 18th century that is the ideological bedrock of the Saudi monarchy.

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