FOR IMMEDIATE RELASEHessian Studies
Our recent interview with the reconstructed grincore band Napalm Life's frontperson Marcia Goldenway brought to our attention the alarming metamorphosis of heavy metal. Like swarming, multihued, delicate butterflies flittering from flower to flower across peaceful midday meadows, Napalm Life represents one among many metal bands that seek to crowd mass entertainment pop culture with their own unique style of angry, aggressive humanist compassion. Circling high above the fair meadows on a cloudless summer day, our black Hessian Studies crow, descending earthward, leading with stiletto beak, anticipating hunt and feast, spots its lone prey dancing amidst the colorful grassland flora below.
HS: "Welcome to our latest Hessian Studies, heavy metal culture interview, Marc..."
MG: "I would prefer if my friends start calling me Marcia, once and for all."
HS: "Yes, well we already knew about your lifestyle..."
MG: "You fucking fascist homophobe! You'll call me Miss Goldenway for the rest of the interview or I'm marching out of this ghetto hole-in-the-wall you call an office. Those brown curtains behind you are filthy and they don't match anything in this Christ forsaken shitpile. Who's your decorator?"
HS: "We don't actually have..."
MG: "DO IT!"
HS: "Miss Goldenway, our readers are interested in understanding why the band decided on the name change to Napalm Life. Was there anything you wanted to share with us?"
MG: "What are you all, a bunch of worthless morons in addition to impoverished trailer trash? The name change should be obvious by now."
HS: "We would like your own words..."
MG: "Why do I have to go to such lengths to explain myself to everyone? Your readers probably all vote Republican don't they?"
HS: "I wouldn't..."
MG: "Don't bullshit me. We're taking grindcore along with the entire heavy metal movement back from the haters and inhumane oppressors."
MG: (deep, grindcore growl) "FIGHT THE POWER. DOWN WITH THE MAN. POWER TO THE PEOPLE."
MG: (throaty, acrid howl) "FREE CHE. HEAL THE SICK. FEED THE HUNGRY."
MG: "I warned you, you penniless, fashionably-challenged fascist trash. It's Miss Goldenway."
HS: "But, Marc..., Miss Goldenway..."
MG: "I'm outta here. Okay, buh-bye now."
HS: (standing) "Hey, wait just a cotton picking minute."
MG: "Napalm because I have deep burning desires and relish flaming things. Life because it's progressive and my private accountant thinks a positive word will net me a 2.8% profit margin every coming quarter. You know it's all about entertainment, social justice and me."
HS: "Thank you for sharing your thoughts with our readers."
MG: "Go to hell, hater. I'll see to it that your next Democrat president from New York rounds you people up, every last one."
With that, Marcia Goldenway decided the Hessian Studies, heavy metal culture interview had concluded. We fully expected a more thorough disclosure from Miss Goldenway about the direction he and other metal bands were taking the music. Our crow continues his eternal hunt, once again high above the bright argent meadows' summer fields in bloom. http://hessian.org/