Testament - For 20+ years, this band has survived by parasitically leeching the last dregs of credibility from dying subgenres. When Testament makes an album in a given style, you know it is over.
Truly sadistic review deals with entire discographies. Some bands don't deserve anything better. But then, fun might be way too short. I believe that is why Deathmetal.org reviews Satyricon's album one by one. I'll give it a try however.
Satyricon - semi-relevant years (1992 - 1996)
To put it in one sentence: something is played and it's mainly black metal. While nothing is gained here, the time is lost. There's no sense in writing about how it supposedly goes nowhere (because often that might not be the case) or how it even fakes its intent to say something meaningful. Every other band at the time had some ambition and took their freedom to define styles within genre. Even if there were vast differences in artistic abilities and even some misunderstandings, you could take anything from Burzum to Gehenna and still hear different approach. But Satyricon starts already as an imitation. This music is as hollow as look on Satyr's face. It is hard to experience anything other than boredom here. Satyricon serve as an example, that nailing the blueprint of black metal, either with cynical or honest intents, is a short sightedness and too "intellectual" creation of orthodoxy turns out insufficient despite dramatic attempts to create interesting interactions between riffs.