Dear members of ANUS.COM Metal forums:
I have been a devoted fan to metal in general for over 2 years, and since I began have explored the depths of many genres, my most favored relating to black/pagan/viking/folk metal.
I have not had much experience, but try to absord as much knowledge about each of the bands and what they and their music represent every day. I am constantly on some type of forum/chatroom as well as file sharing at once. One of my problems is that I am never satisfied, either with my music collection, or really anything tying closely to my life.
I started out, about 12 years old, listening to the most brutal music I could find, so I was really into death metal/grind. As time went on I eventually opened up to almost all of the metal genres. It hasn't been more than a year that I've had a strong interest and desire for black metal... I've explored all types of subgroups/subgenres within the underground, wanting to learn everything I can of course. At the same time, My interests in philosophy began to rise, and I discovered ANUS. I had previously drawn the conlusion of being an atheist, no more or less, but the concept of nihilism and misanthopy suddenly struck me.
I feel like I am constantly trying to keep up with my knowledge, trying to avoid my constant confusion and trying to keep thoughts straight. I always hear of a new concept of philosophy every day, and I look it up on Wikipedia and try to understand it. I am also trying to actually LISTEN to all of this music, rather than just researching and storing information that I soon easily forget. As I am being drawn into the minority of actual thinkers in the mainstream population of the world, taking topics of philosophy very seriously, I am constantly being drawn back into the mainstream ignorant world I came out of...
The majority of my time is spent on school, unfortunately, considering that most of the subject I am forced to study do not interest me. I am interested, however, in my basic civilizations class and our current study of the Russian Revolution, and the concepts of Marxism and Pure Communism that are all so new to me. It is all difficult to grasp, even though I feel forced by my parents and teachers to succeed, which under my standards is very above the average studen'ts potential. I am struggling by fighting against the grind of society, debating with myself, as it is difficult to find a worth while debate in reality, as whether or not the life I live at school everyday, following my routine as everybody else, is really the smartest idea to follow. I don't have time after school to listen to Radio NIHIL; I must concentrate on homework which I can not even put in a decent motivation towards doing. The more and more I ask myself these questions, the more less straightforward and confused I cause myself to be.
I am constantly engulfed in a society of pop-radio, fashion statements, cliques, trends, expectations from parents, and the typical high school life. My point that I'm basically trying to get across is that I want to involve more of the things I enjoy in my life rather than having to deal with classes I am not interested in, or parents that are frustrating and difficult to argue with, and basically a setting I currently feel trapped in. Adding philosophy, metal and neo-classical sub-culture, Norse/Greek Mythology and culture, things that I have an interest in, yet am still not motivated to excel in, I almost feel I have no influence on. If it weren't for computers, I doubt I would have as much knowledge or respect for metal and philosophy as it is. Ancient philosophers obviously used other tools as resources for their thoughts, and I'm sure I could as well, but the influence that my society has on me is hard to go against.
I am out of thoughts, I'm sure there is much more for me to say to further clearly state my questions, and I'm sorry that my mind slowly draws blanks at this point. But overall, I hoped that some of you might have an understanding of the way I feel. Take to thought, I am 14 years old, having been an atheist since 12, metal fan since 12, and more recently drawn into stronger thoughts of philosophy in the past few months. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, whether you understand what I am saying or not.
Sorry for the organization, I'm sure my thoughts were really all over the place. I'll end it here; I'm sure you've spent plenty of time reading this.