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Adventures in Trolling

Adventures in Trolling
May 26, 2010, 10:06:19 AM
This is priceless because it actually happened last night. Allow me to illustrate the setting for everyone: I was at a bar last night, drunk as all bloody hell. My friend had just moved back to town and we are all really excited about this considering he used to live much further north from us and had difficulty making appearances due to the distance. We here in the northeast gathered our Hessian brethren for this occasion.

I'm basically usurping the jukebox with Voivod and Anthrax all night when I retreat outside the establishment for a smoke.

Enter what I call the Pablo Picasso girl: She's wearing dated, adolescent clothes, but her presence there clearly informs me that she's 21+. UFO/JNCO jeans (you know, the ones that stretch over your shoes- typical Nu-Metal), a Cradle of Filth t-shirt way too big for her, a rosary beaded necklace around her neck, a terrible fiery-red dye job, and a false-punk mod-esque top hat.

If she didn't look like human-stew, she might have been attractive.

All the while I'm hoping she won't open her mouth, but sure enough she steps up to the plate and says: "Ah, so which one of you guys is the one playing all the awesome stuff?"

The Predator: Yeah, that would be me, I make the most money out of my friends to afford to hit the "play next" option. I'm rarely a big spender, but this occasion calls for a bit of decadency.

Picasso: Ah, so, why aren't you playing any Dimmu Borgir?

The Predator: Because I don't like Dimmu Borgir.

Picasso: It's ok, Black Metal just isn't for some people.

Note: I clearly have a Marduk painting on my jacket in her line of sight. However I choose not to say anything and shake it off. For me it's better to just Troll the ignorance and feed the fire of infoterrorism at this point.

The Predator: You know, that's an interesting cross-necklace you have on.

Note: She proceeds to tell me all about what the Rosary is, as if I'm clearly not Italian myself. This is when all of my friends enter into the smoking area.

The Predator: You know, historians are starting to speculate that the AIDS virus that we know today actually originated from Jesus of Nazareth.

Picasso: What the hell are you talking about?

The Predator: Well, there's an abundance of evidence that the AIDS explosion, that did originate in Africa, you know... Egypt, where the Jews emigrated out of in Exodus... is actually a long standing viral strain that began with Yeshuah the Nazarene.

Picasso: OMG...

The Predator: Yeah, apparently his family line beginning with him and Mary Magdalene... have you ever seen the DaVinci Code (?) (She nods yes)... carried the AIDS virus throughout generations.

Picasso: No, that can't be. My lord and savior would never do something like that, the AIDS virus kills, and the church brings life.

The Predator: Well, it has to do with the whole RAPTURE thing, you know, the process in which the chosen ones are taken to heaven earlier than expected so they can avoid the apocalypse and the torment from Satan when he conquers the planet.

Picasso: OMG...

Note: At this point all of my friends except for the one that moved back home are stunned, actually believing what I'm telling this girl.

The Predator: So yeah, apparently AIDS is kind of a good thing. Think of AIDS as a staple of Christianity and your love for Jesus. I mean think about it. AIDS is a sexually transmitted disease, so if you got it... Jesus kind of gave it to you metaphysically speaking.

Picasso: You know, I know a lot of great people that had and have AIDS, it's very sad because they are really the best people I know.

The Predator: That's what I'm saying... you're really in good with Jesus if you have AIDS. Maybe you should go out and get it.

Picasso: You know, I'd never TRY to go out and get AIDS, but if it did happen, I'd think it was a blessing from God.

The Predator: See that's what I'm saying!

Note: At this point all of my friends catch on to what I'm doing, retreating back into the bar trying to quell their laughing-riot that would ensue the moment they got back inside.

Picasso: Wow, I feel like my eyes have been opened.

The Predator: I'm glad I could give you the guidance you needed. If you get lucky and your love for Jesus is strong enough, I'm sure you'll get AIDS one day too.


Re: Adventures in Trolling
May 26, 2010, 10:49:46 AM
Some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time. Of all the "goffic" kiddies, the christian ones are the best ones to troll. And they seem to be the most abundant probably due to the persistence of christianity in their edgy nu-metal.

Re: Adventures in Trolling
May 26, 2010, 01:00:42 PM
have you ever seen the DaVinci Code (?) (She nods yes)
This is the greatest part of the whole story.  Up until then I found it somewhat amusing, but right when I read that I burst out laughing.

Re: Adventures in Trolling
May 26, 2010, 02:41:08 PM

Re: Adventures in Trolling
May 26, 2010, 04:31:26 PM
A bar probably is the best place to reality troll.

Good places for drunken internet trolling:


Re: Adventures in Trolling
May 26, 2010, 10:56:41 PM
Sounds like you were just being a douche bag

Re: Adventures in Trolling
May 26, 2010, 11:12:20 PM
Sounds like you were just being a douche bag

She'll get her libido itched and salvation

Re: Adventures in Trolling
May 27, 2010, 06:06:15 AM
That's quite funny. I would have went off on the BM thing. Good job.

If anyone wants to do good metal trolling, trolling the nu-metal/meshuggah crowd is good. They gravitate around the meshuggah forum and the seven string forum.