I stumbled upon some old musings of mine, dated back to my senior year of highschool (2008). The intensity present in them is of the highest degree, and I can remember many nights of intense revelation that filled me with a great desire to sort of explode forth into the world around me through my ability. Here's some examples:
"Eliminate your beliefs. I dare you. You can't, right? The voice of reason (moralism) speaks to you, begs to you. It implores you hold tight to your illusion. Your illusion saves you from death. But it doesn't. Death will come to you; it comes to us all. The brighter accept that. Can you accept that? Can you even bear to embrace the thought of all belief being insignificant? Helping no one? Don't worry, the night-light is always on, but we'll be the ones who will be interwoven into the fabric of life itself... once it goes out."
"I am in strict opposition of the lowest common denominator. To put this manifesto into a more polite pretext... well there is none. There is no excuse. Pre-programmed ideology will have at your consciousness, and most likely you'll react with a thought similar to "This is all bullshit..." Also likely, this thought will be based upon a personal bias, but it is UNLIKELY that I care. For those interested, the pursuit of a realistic mindset is an arduous, but rewarding one. Conflict is spawned through insecurity, justified through moralism, and seeks to obtain goals which when tallied are more counter-productive to our sense of culture than not. We assume that our stature is far above that of the primates that we truly are, and use that sense of status to assure ourselves that our purpose is different than the simple mind-set of those around us. Of course, you must be unique. Everyone knows that individualism far precedes beneficial values (I'm rolling my eyes in disgust). Because of our unreasonable desire to differentiate ourselves as opposed to bettering ourselves, working adults often identify themselves, and are identified by their job. When this becomes the purpose of existence one exits life feeling unsatisfied; like a story unfinished if you will. Try to deny it, you're just comforting yourself. The age of Iron: a mathematical world calculated to maximize profit. We devour trendy, useless lumps of plastic and circuitry even when we realize that they harm the environment, harm us, and force us into dull occupations. This is not to say that technology is useless, but since when did individuality replace efficiency? I'm expecting that many are laughing at this comment, because by making it seem like a joke you essentially remove a sense of guilt from your mind. Go ahead! Oh, and enjoy your life of unreached potential. Your confinement is created completely of your own accord my friend, and I laugh as I watch you whore yourself to this lifestyle, and even defend its enslavement of you. Many of you will try to create a rebuke of my words simply with your status. Surely your education degree, your material ambition, or your alternative lifestyle shows your worth is far above a measly dissident such as myself!? It is all pretense, and regardless of what sentiment you attach to these attributes, you are still cattle that will be used for profit from your birth to your death. The path has lead to death. Your scared of death, aren't you? I bet you think you're not. There's always Heaven! An eternity of bliss in the face of Allah, God, Jesus, Buddha, Satan, or whatever theistic misnomer you prefer. A life where every desire is fulfilled at the slightest whim... I prefer the feeling of triumph after experiencing pain and surviving. The joy of overcoming hardship. The blood, sweat, and spirit that outpours from every orifice of LIFE. But I know you... your gratification is much more important than heroic ideal, awakened by the mythic imagination. A little poetry if you don't mind... Ignorance is bliss-bliss is the eternal state of happiness Otherwise known as paradise. Thus, in theory all who seek utopia are idiots You are self-conditioned, you are also conditioned by society. In fact, you are most likely so layered with emotional self-defense mechanisms that you will not consider anything that steps off of your radical radar regardless of whether it's actually helpful or not. You struggle your entire life to obtain a job that will provide an escape from the question of what life would be like if you didn't have the structure of such a society. Of course, you find spiritual balm in the pleasant and dull glow of government, sexual drive, intoxication and mass-entertainment. These answers however, are easy. How rare it is that the easy and objectionable answer actually helps. If you don't believe me, examine nature. Examine history. We are unsure of ourselves, and attach too much significance to mundane problems. This destroys any sort of hopeful outlook. You either reach consensus with the mass, and most will do so by thinking it is perfectly fine if done so "on their own terms", or you speak out and be vilified. Sentiment is drizzled like thick syrup over our lives, yet we refuse to embrace reality, which is much more difficult to define. When we witness brutality, the ugly side of existence, we set those thoughts aside before we fully analyze it and discover any beauty within. To quote a great thinker "Much of our suffering is designed so that we gain from the burden it imposes on us as a shield and a justification for inaction." - Spinoza Ray Prozak. I find some hope in beauty that is uncovered through careful social archeology. Abstract patterns of existence that carry a philosophical weight meant to usher people towards something definable as great. The honesty, and majesty of heavy metal, the trimming of fat upon all beliefs pursued by nihilism, examining the natural environment undisturbed by man, throwing my weight against that which asserts its authority based on its existence, and the pursuit of heroic goals honored by Romanticism. These ideas of heroism rarely existed, but they are in even shorter supply in the modern world. I love life, and thus love death. I do not deny the natural process in order to flee to an illusionary comfort blanket of mechanical process. Why don't you?"
For the past two or so years, I have been much more meditative. I have occasional outbursts of passionate feelings about life, but for the most part I calmly assert my plan of action that has aimed towards my virtues, but fluctuated in the specific details of the schematic according to change in my surrounding environment. The intense, explosive passion has left, for the most part though. How does that return? How do I redevelop that cold contempt that didn't feel shameful? Because I felt no guilt over how I looked down upon things, I knew inside that I wasn't simply wanting to feel elevated without reason, as I extremely criticized myself whenever I allowed myself to feel above something merely because of thought or word. Where does that go? Does it just die with the passing of years?