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Bible Quotes

Bible Quotes
October 01, 2010, 06:13:48 PM
I have read in ANUS many times insinuations that Jesus Christ was soft and feminine, with the intention to mock him. But the Bible is quite the hard book. I invite you all to post your favorite bible parts.

Luke 19

12 He said therefore, A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom, and to return.

13 And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come.

14 But his citizens hated him, and sent a message after him, saying, We will not have this man to reign over us.

15 And it came to pass, that when he was returned, having received the kingdom, then he commanded these servants to be called unto him, to whom he had given the money, that he might know how much every man had gained by trading.

16 Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds.

17 And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities.

18 And the second came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds.

19 And he said likewise to him, Be thou also over five cities.

20 And another came, saying, Lord, behold, here is thy pound, which I have kept laid up in a napkin:

21 For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and reapest that thou didst not sow.

22 And he saith unto him, Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee, thou wicked servant. Thou knewest that I was an austere man, taking up that I laid not down, and reaping that I did not sow:

23 Wherefore then gavest not thou my money into the bank, that at my coming I might have required mine own with usury?

24 And he said unto them that stood by, Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds.

25 (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.)

26 For I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him.

27 But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.



You're quite hostile.

I got a right to be hostile, man, my people been persecuted!

Re: Bible Quotes
October 01, 2010, 07:19:03 PM
Leviticus really brings the lulz. I use it as a catering guide when I am to host a dinner party where Christians will be in attendance.

Lev. 11:
Quote
4'There are some that only chew the cud or only have a split hoof, but you must not eat them. The camel, though it chews the cud, does not have a split hoof; it is ceremonially unclean for you.
5 The coney, [a] though it chews the cud, does not have a split hoof; it is unclean for you.
6 The rabbit, though it chews the cud, does not have a split hoof; it is unclean for you.
 7 And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you.

Quote
20 " 'All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be detestable to you.
21  There are, however, some winged creatures that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground.
22 Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper.
23 But all other winged creatures that have four legs you are to detest.

So I usually serve up a tasty pork chop or a stewed rabbit with black pudding for the heathens, and for the Christians, the Jews and the Muslims, I offer a delicious plate of locusts. I always strive to be tolerant and inclusive of all other cultures and I like to think that this token gesture is appreciated.



Re: Bible Quotes
October 01, 2010, 08:35:07 PM
The story of Ehud (Judges 3:12-31) was one of my favorites even back in my well-mannered Christian days. If this doesn't presage a future interest in metal, I don't know what does:

15 Again the Israelites cried out to the LORD, and he gave them a deliverer—Ehud, a left-handed man, the son of Gera the Benjamite. The Israelites sent him with tribute to Eglon king of Moab.

16 Now Ehud had made a double-edged sword about a foot and a half long, which he strapped to his right thigh under his clothing.

17 He presented the tribute to Eglon king of Moab, who was a very fat man.

18 After Ehud had presented the tribute, he sent on their way the men who had carried it.

19 At the idols near Gilgal he himself turned back and said, "I have a secret message for you, O king."  The king said, "Quiet!" And all his attendants left him.

20 Ehud then approached him while he was sitting alone in the upper room of his summer palace and said, "I have a message from God for you." As the king rose from his seat,

21 Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king's belly.

22 Even the handle sank in after the blade, which came out his back. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it.

23 Then Ehud went out to the porch; he shut the doors of the upper room behind him and locked them.

24 After he had gone, the servants came and found the doors of the upper room locked. They said, "He must be relieving himself in the inner room of the house."

25 They waited to the point of embarrassment, but when he did not open the doors of the room, they took a key and unlocked them. There they saw their lord fallen to the floor, dead.
HE WHO REAPS STORMS, SOWS WINDS. HE WHO SOWS WINDS, REAPS STORMS.

"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart."
-Ecclesiastes 7:2

Re: Bible Quotes
October 01, 2010, 09:06:22 PM
Ezekiel 4:1-15 is always good for a laugh.
1Thou also, son of man, take thee a tile, and lay it before thee, and pourtray upon it the city, even Jerusalem:

 2And lay siege against it, and build a fort against it, and cast a mount against it; set the camp also against it, and set battering rams against it round about.

 3Moreover take thou unto thee an iron pan, and set it for a wall of iron between thee and the city: and set thy face against it, and it shall be besieged, and thou shalt lay siege against it. This shall be a sign to the house of Israel.

 4Lie thou also upon thy left side, and lay the iniquity of the house of Israel upon it: according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon it thou shalt bear their iniquity.

 5For I have laid upon thee the years of their iniquity, according to the number of the days, three hundred and ninety days: so shalt thou bear the iniquity of the house of Israel.

 6And when thou hast accomplished them, lie again on thy right side, and thou shalt bear the iniquity of the house of Judah forty days: I have appointed thee each day for a year.

 7Therefore thou shalt set thy face toward the siege of Jerusalem, and thine arm shall be uncovered, and thou shalt prophesy against it.

 8And, behold, I will lay bands upon thee, and thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days of thy siege.

 9Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.

 10And thy meat which thou shalt eat shall be by weight, twenty shekels a day: from time to time shalt thou eat it.

 11Thou shalt drink also water by measure, the sixth part of an hin: from time to time shalt thou drink.

 12And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

 13And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them.

 14Then said I, Ah Lord GOD! behold, my soul hath not been polluted: for from my youth up even till now have I not eaten of that which dieth of itself, or is torn in pieces; neither came there abominable flesh into my mouth.

 15Then he said unto me, Lo, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 holds that a woman must not touch a man's genitals in the midst of a fight:
When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Yahweh is a badass in Deuteronomy 32:
 20And he said, I will hide my face from them, I will see what their end shall be: for they are a very froward generation, children in whom is no faith.

 21They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation.

 22For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.

 23I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them.

 24They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust.

 25The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs.

 26I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men:

 27Were it not that I feared the wrath of the enemy, lest their adversaries should behave themselves strangely, and lest they should say, Our hand is high, and the LORD hath not done all this.

 28For they are a nation void of counsel, neither is there any understanding in them.

 29O that they were wise, that they understood this, that they would consider their latter end!

 30How should one chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight, except their Rock had sold them, and the LORD had shut them up?

 31For their rock is not as our Rock, even our enemies themselves being judges.

 32For their vine is of the vine of Sodom, and of the fields of Gomorrah: their grapes are grapes of gall, their clusters are bitter:

 33Their wine is the poison of dragons, and the cruel venom of asps.

 34Is not this laid up in store with me, and sealed up among my treasures?

 35To me belongeth vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.

 36For the LORD shall judge his people, and repent himself for his servants, when he seeth that their power is gone, and there is none shut up, or left.

 37And he shall say, Where are their gods, their rock in whom they trusted,

 38Which did eat the fat of their sacrifices, and drank the wine of their drink offerings? let them rise up and help you, and be your protection.

 39See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god with me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal: neither is there any that can deliver out of my hand.

 40For I lift up my hand to heaven, and say, I live for ever.

 41If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me.

 42I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh; and that with the blood of the slain and of the captives, from the beginning of revenges upon the enemy.

 43Rejoice, O ye nations, with his people: for he will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries, and will be merciful unto his land, and to his people.

Leviticus 4: 21-22 is brutal:
Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.
And, behold, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said unto him, Come, and I will shew thee the man whom thou seekest. And when he came into her tent, behold, Sisera lay dead, and the nail was in his temples.

There's a lot more to be found here: http://www.ety.com/HRP/bookreviews/biblecritique.htm
Let us go beyond "you" and "me"! Feel cosmically!
   
    Friedrich Nietzsche

Re: Bible Quotes
October 02, 2010, 01:16:52 AM
Matthew 10:34 - Christ: "I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword"

Re: Bible Quotes
October 02, 2010, 03:07:18 PM
Deuteronomy 25:11-12 holds that a woman must not touch a man's genitals in the midst of a fight:
When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

What's awesomely hilarious about that, is the fact that this scenario had enough precedent to merit being put in a nation's holy book.  Oh, those Jews.

Re: Bible Quotes
October 02, 2010, 03:48:42 PM
Oh I've made many Bible quotes in my day. If someone says something ridiculous I might remark "that person is like The Bible... they say a lot of things." Or if I'm--wait--oh Bel did you want quotes taken from The Bible?! Hey you know what would be really funny, use Bible quotes to make some lolcat pics!
www.TheMetalDiscourser.com
The universe is naked, attack its corpus, take a real stab at your life and let the blood flow — RIP the sound of the very fabric tearing.