METALLICA fulfills promise to displeasure of former fans

LOS ANGELES – In the wake of increasingly insipid albums and unprecedented overexposure for Bay Area quartet Metallica, many former fans have realized to their horror that the band’s 1983 promise to neither stop nor quit has turned from a blessing to a curse.

“Man, when ‘Kill Em All’ came out, I wanted that band to last forever,” recalls ex-Metallica supporter Dave Lathrop, “That song ‘Whiplash’ was like a covenant between the band and the fans — ‘we’ll never stop, we’ll never quit, ’cause we’re Metallica’ — that they’d always be there. Who knew that they’d actually make good on it?”

Metallica, who have repeatedly maligned their valued legacy in metal music with songs such as “Ain’t My Bitch” and a squishy sonic turd on the “Mission Impossible 2″ soundtrack, continues unabated and are currently in the middle of a new tour in support of their obnoxious new album, “Death Magnetic.” With no reported plans for the band to retire, original fans of the band’s pre-1990 releases are despairing of ever seeing an end to it all.

“I know what they said,” states former fan Jim Dooley, who has hated Metallica for the past 18 years, “Yeah, ‘Cause we’re Metallica’, I got it. So when are they going to fucking stop already? Christ.”

by Consvming Impvlse