SAD! MetalSucks Flagrantly Plagiarizes Death Metal Underground

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but such is not true when it’s done by a fat, zit-faced loser with fedora tattoos who calls himself “Emperor Rhombus.”  Because right now, plastered on the MetalSucks front page at the time of this writing, is a ridiculously obvious rip off of an editorial I did just a month ago.  Seriously, the damn thing is worse than when Nile blatantly stole the melody from the Candlemass song “Well of Souls” in their “Unas Slayer of the Gods” mess of a track.  Hell, it’s even worse than that top hat wearing Dimmu Borgir keyboardist replicating the piano from Magnum’s “Sacred Hour” and using it as the intro for Stormblast. But I guess that when your life is regulated to creeping out young girls at Selena Gomez concerts with your virgin-tier Electric Wizard shirt, you’re bound to spend much of your days fantasizing about being a true alpha badass like Brock Dorsey.

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/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Terrible Traxx Edition

In our search for great metal in the internet age, we are constantly being swarmed by legions of mediocre bands releasing countless albums ranging from terrible to passable. Most bands aim to replicate their idols without understanding what actually makes them great and others rely on gimmicks or illogical hybrids of styles in their attempts to distinguish themselves from the herd. Sometimes we stumble upon fleeting works that point to something greater but those are few and far between and most of us do not have the time to sit through hours of meaningless music In hope to find a flash of brilliance.  Yet sometimes we come across music that is so bad not through neglect nor lack of skill but through the mental decay of the composers and troubling musical choices. In these situations all we can do is laugh and learn to not become like these people. Here is a list of songs showing various metal musicians at their lowest.

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Trenchant – Martial Chaos 2018

British historian John Keegan, following in the footsteps of German historian Hans Delbrueck, wrote his best book, “The Face of Battle,” as an investigation into the oft ignored tactile experience of battle. Most historians will look at battles in terms of the grand movements of armies, strategic and political outcomes, or even the minuscule tactical maneuvers of squads but rarely do they look at the reality on which their words are based. Keegan’s book smashed many closely held myths about battle, such as the galloping cavalry charge smashing through an infantry line, and unveiled the blood, grime, confusion, chaos, triumph, terror, and brutality of battle. Trenchant’s debut EP is the fitting musical equivalent of John Keegan’s book.

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These Musicians May Be Executed When Sweden Institutes Sharia Law

Sweden is lost.

With an unstoppable invasion of Muslim migrants and a judicial system that refuses to prosecute their crimes, the nation’s progressive government leaders have definitively surrendered the future of Sweden into a Muslim majority.  It will only be a matter of time until a revolution occurs similar to that of Iran in 1979, when the country’s republic is overthrown and replaced by an Islamic theocracy and hijabs are forced on the women of Sweden.  It’s a reality that Swedes had better accept sooner than later as it has already happened to many other less willing nations within the last century.

Under Sharia law, there are harsh penalties for blasphemy, witchcraft, female indecency (exposing your body/not wearing a veil in public) and devil worship- ranging from a life in prison (with the press declaring you committed suicide) to public execution.  There will be no mercy shown for those who profaned/denied the image of God whether the act occurred during or after the new rule of law was instituted.  Therefore, any and all Swedish bands with such lyrical content will be quickly and efficiently strung up en masse when the new government arrives.

And if all this sounds crazy to you, just read the tale of Iranian metal band Confess and the horrors its musicians have been forced to endure.  After recording the lyrically harmless In Pursuit of Dreams (of which song titles include “Did You Get My Last Massage?” and “What Doesn’t Kill You Make You Exhausted!”), the band’s vocalist Nikan Kosravi were thrown into prison, forced in solitary confinement, and denied bail for almost a month.  The kid’s parents had to sell their houss and pay $30,000 for him to be released, and he faced the punishment of death by hanging for the crime of blasphemy.  He eventually hired a human trafficker to smuggle him out of the country to escape a 6 year prison sentence!

FYI Those are Saudi Arabian women being hanged, for all of you hijab-wearing feminists out there

But all the while brainless beta-cuck musicians existing in a Gothenburg liberal bubble like Tomas Lindberg of At the Gates will be decrying nationalism and populism as the horrifying bogyman that threatens their world.  They will cheer the eventual institution of Islamic government as “the end of a tyrannical Christian reign” and will not even notice the militants sneak up behind them until the bag is thrown over their heads.  Some of their fans will cry and throw tantrums and in retaliation be beaten in the streets, but they will ultimately do nothing as their Swedish death metal heroes are hanged by the neck right before their very eyes.

If you have ever played in a Swedish death or black metal band, you’d better get the hell out of the country before the day of Sharia comes (I’m giving it less than ten years).  And if you’re in a band on the below list, I am not kidding you: you are going to die!!!  To the rest of the world, prepare yourself, because it is likely only a matter of time before the musicians of following bands will likely be executed in front of a liberal metal world that was too dumb and too feminine to stand up to what is happening:

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Forces of Satan Stumble

The consensus seems to be that Christ does not belong in metal.  Well, neither does Satan.  Rigid patterns of thought are not conductive to the creation of transcendental metal music.  The failure of NSBM stems from the rigid ideology into which the music was forced like a Procrustean bed.  The two Christian metal bands worth a shit have been covered on this site: Paramaecium and Antestor.  The only NSBM bands that are not terrible are the bands, like Graveland, that preceeded the creation of the subgenre and were only lumped in with the scene later… Gontyna Kry seems to be the sole exception to NSBM sucking.

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Interview with Cromlech (CA)

The Canadian band Cromlech strode forth boldly onto the field of battle with the promising album “Ave Mortis” in 2013.  Honing their tactics and weapon-craft, in 2017 they released their excellent EP “Iron Guard.”  Blending doom, death, and classic heavy metal influences the mighty Cromlech is the tip of the spear in the coming resurgence of epic power metal. In a brief lull between battles, the members of Cromlech most nobly took a few minutes to answer some interview questions.

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Concert Review: Metalmania 2018

On  7th  April, another edition of a long standing Polish festival Metalmania took place. One day, two stages, twenty four bands. It was the second one organized after a recent reactivation. The original Metalmania was an early big metal event in that part of the Europe – quite a feat given Polish Communist and post-Communist realities. Then, due to various reasons, the festival was gradually losing its relevance, dwindling and finally went into hiatus for 8 years. There is no sense, however, to cling to its bygone local importance or whatever glorious past. So how does it look now? 

While too much reliance on more mainstream gothic and heavy contributed to a collapse of previous incarnation of the festival, and now it was death and black oriented, the music on the big scene is rather consistently aimed at straight metal through all of its generations and styles, ending with bands like Dead Congregation or Blaze of Perdition and with some of the more modern sounds on a small scene. On a downside, the fest resurfacing mainly as a stage for classic bands may be reflecting the actual state of metal, indicating that the newer bands are unable to fill the void with something equally strong to their predecessors. 

The festival was obviously rough around the edges (and surprisingly violent – I almost got caught into two different fights just from where I was standing) and the sound was uneven and average overall. It was organized better than in the past, but still perceptibly within Polish standards, that is crudely and with lack of imagination or simply negligence in some areas (although Martin van Drunen said on stage that the organization was great!). Perhaps a very fortunate by-product of these characteristics, which may contribute to the positive reception of this festival, is how – I dare to say – conservative it is, both in terms of lineup and general spirit. With Napalm Death and (I suppose) liberal speed metallers on one side and sort of crypto-nazis on the other, who always find a way to show up in some form, the fest also covered broadest ideological spectrum that is possible for a mainstream event. 

As of 2018 this festival is yet to experience types of modern degeneracy, often coming from outside, which can be seen on festivals elsewhere. There were some obligatory side attractions, like exhibition of works of Christophe Szpajdel (who actually speaks Polish fluently), meet-up with the bands and lots of merch, but nothing delving too much into a fan idiocy or really not related to metal. Very few freaks, zero exotic people, no random participants, just fairly traditional metalheads, mostly in the 90s style, as it should be, world without end. However, those spoiled by abundance of propositions and by big festivals in Germany or Czech Republic will probably miss out on some of these modest qualities. 

And then there’s the surreal, sci-fi sight at the arrival – a monumental, Communistic “The Saucer” occupied by nothing but a tribe of long haired, black clad drunks… 

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/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Massacre of Death Metal’s Mainstream

Yesterday, we gave you the 10 most popular death metal bands of all time.  Now one by one they will face public execution as we absolutely massacre their most recent release.  No mercy will be shown- orders are to kill everything that moves.

Did you fucking soy metal nu males really think they would get off easy?  This is Death Metal Underground- the most savage music site on the internet!  Death to soy metal, death to sellouts, burn and die all falses!  Mayhem- war- sadism- brutalization!  No death metal band should have 1 million Facebook likes!  No death metal band should be on Facebook at all!  Pussies!  Behead the corpses, throw them into the streets- the Templar way!

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