Sadistic Metal Reviews: Chevy Chase Chainsaw Massacre

Twas the 5th day before Christmas, and all through the house, the creatures stared concerned and suddenly in need of psychiatric therapy.  My wife said I have that crazy look in my eye, as my boss had jipped me on my Christmas bonus- the holiest thing of the American middle class baby boomer.  The urge to kill left me trembling, barely able to stand, and I frantically raced to the garage and grabbed my chainsaw and son’s hockey mask.  As the voices got louder, I found myself speaking in tongues- vocalizing a string of obscenities as if possessed by otherworldly entities.  In an attempt to quiet the deafening commands to kill, I remembered that death metal was an outlet that had saved me years before.  But it was 2017, and I did not know what the new death metal sounded like.  But I had heard that Bandcamp were going to save the world with their social justice, so I thought I would listen to the top selling death metal bands on the first page of Bandcamp.  Surely they had the most sales, and therefore were the most trustworthy, and true to the old death metal sound.  I decided to download all 8 albums and burn to CD to listen to on my Walkman CD player.  But when I heard…. when I heard… when I heard…

(more…)

14 Comments

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Punished Decapitated Freed from Jail

Tortured deathcore idols Decapitated have been freed from prison and await trial for the alleged kidnapping and rape of a female attendee of one of their concerts. Denied by the liberal metal scene they have heroically slaved their lives on the road to please, the group had already faced unfathomable torment a decade ago when a tour bus crash saw a former member killed and another with crippling retardation.  Although his metal condition is fortunately not as severe as that of Decapitated’s fans, the bands suffering remains unrelenting nonetheless. (more…)

16 Comments

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Ordo Ab Chao

As an insanely vicious and memorable chapter of metal’s oldest website comes to a chaotic climax, a new order now dawns upon us.  Contrary to the leftist hysteria over the net-neutrality laws passed last week, the internet is still alive, and therefore Death Metal Underground continues its quest to conquer its cyber niche and restore prestige to a genre fallen from grace.  Once again, Death Metal Underground will undergo a vast metamorphosis in lieu of the changing times while still remaining true to its purpose in the metal information sphere.

(more…)

14 Comments

Tags: , , , ,

In The Age Of Ideology Dying, The “Political” Album Also Dies

Growing up, I always detested “political” albums because people were ranting to me about partisanship from an adult world that I knew had already failed. It really was shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic to demand one failed version of the current order over another. It also violated what I felt was sacred about art: its abstraction, metaphor, and connection to the naturalistic experience.

(more…)

28 Comments

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Trend Remover: The Last Jedi Is The Last Film You Should Ever See


by Hentavirus Jefferson-Gonzales

In my small mid-western town, everyone but one guy went to the new Star Wars™ Disney film, The Last Jedi. That is, if “everyone” means all of the hipsters, SWPLs, corporate cucks, bro-hold-my-beer, 4chan neckbeards, backyard shed dwelling NEETs, goodguy white knight Mormons, and SJWs count as “everyone.” The one guy stayed home because he had power diarrhea but his friends kept texting him pictures and updates.

(more…)

34 Comments

Tags: , , , , , ,

Ministry Releases “Antifa,” Promptly Sets A Trashcan On Fire And Collapses In A Pool Of Its Own Urine

Continuing his existence as a walking anti-drug ad, Cuban/Norwegian musician Al Jourgensen and whoever he has hired this week released “Antifa,” a track from the upcoming Ministry album AmeriKKKant on Nuclear Blast Records. In a desperate bid to remain relevant, Jourgensen has adopted a hybrid of Millennial politics and Baby Boomer sanctimony in a move that will alienate his Generation X fanbase.

(more…)

16 Comments

Tags: , , , , , , ,

On The Direction Of This Site

I know that many of you have comments regarding the future of the DMU and what direction it should take, and I want you to rest assured that I do not care at all what you have to say unless you are one of the 5% of humanity that is capable of actually doing something, i.e. making a contribution here. The rest is just chatter by filthy little monkeys posturing at self-importance and trying to stay relevant because their lives are entirely irrelevant.

(more…)

110 Comments

Tags: , , , , ,