Cry In Staged Over Death Metal Underground’s Dominance

“Dude, did you hear what DMU did this time?”

It has been such a great few weeks of salt mining liberal tears that I almost forgot there’s still a culture war still being waged in the metal scene. Despite Antifa not shutting down any metal shows since being soundly emasculated in the Battle of Berkeley, despite the indie metal scene becoming its own indie metal landfill to mirror the indie rock landfill, and despite Death Metal Underground celebrating surges in viewership there is still plenty sodomizing the weak to do. Although this has been stressed by the recent rampant rumors of cry ins being held over Death Metal Underground reminding the world that death metal isn’t pretty, only recently have I been blessed with audio proof of one of these whiny snowflake sessions. And again, I’m reminded why I answered the call to take time out of my comfortable life to write these articles: few things bring more joy than the suffering of beta males disgracing metal.

Today’s gift comes via the courtesy of Toilet ov Hell (likely named after Death Metal Underground’s former home, anus.org) as a desperate attempt to pander to the Blast Beat Network advertising circlejerk in hope of joining their ranks despite being pathetically short of web traffic. For those who aren’t familiar with “the toilet” (a.k.a. everyone) Toilet ov Hell is an openly homosexual indie blog whose all male staff once posted a contest to find the sexiest dude in metal. Beyond their staff openly embracing their homosexual tendencies with rainbow armbands on their sleeves, Toilet ov Hell is just another hipster MetalSucks-lite blog who review Limp Bizkit albums in yearning for their high school days wearing JNCOs.

On one of the posts, one of the “writers” (who – unlike me – is too pussy to write under his real name) gets permission from his parents to invite some of his weird Twitter friends (a collective of failed musicians and Mega-Man gifs) over to weep in sorrow for over an hour while they play the Death Metal Underground’s greatest hits. Although I’ve been dying for someone to respond to the merciless abuse I’ve been dishing out, and admire these children for having the guts to sort of do so despite hiding behind pseudonyms guaranteed to preserve their virginity (Joe Thrashnkill!), the “attack” on Death Metal Underground is really just a demonstration of their poor education as they struggle to read (let alone comprehend) the intellectual supremacy of our articles. Why is Matt Forney their cover image? Worse, they admit to obsessing over and stalking women on Twitter, frequenting the comment sections on Death Metal Underground articles, and being triggered at the moment they’re friends say “Dude, did you hear what DMU did this time?”

In today’s climate, every metal head has a choice: do you want to be the no-fucks-given outlaw metal alpha that defined death metal in its glory days or be the nerdy, emotional, sensitive, depressed, butt-hurt virgin, indie whine rock beta cuckold of the social justice warrior era? If you chose the latter, there is a home for you in the Blast Beat Network and their followers. And thanks to Toilet ov Hell, you can hear the nasally voices of this Cultural Marxist movement here: http://www.toiletovhell.com/toilet-radio-reads-death-metal-underground/

Caution! Their testosterone deficient voices will hurt your ears. We have compiled their ‘greatest hits’ below. Listen to the podcast if you want to hear the sound of a cerebrum being powerdrilled.

“Death Metal Underground… the Infowars of Metal. Daniel Maraat is the Paul Joseph Watson to Brett’s Alex Jones. He just wants to suck daddy’s dick so bad.”

“Daniel Mallrat”

“Two things that normies like: Dos Equis and fat women. I’m not opposed to either one of those things”

“Vince, one of the owners of the Blast Beat Network…”

“Daniel Maarat is from some strange Slavic country where he gets issued a government-mandated track suit so he doesn’t know what fashion is.”

Vince Neilstein of MetalSucks owns the Blast Beat Network? That’s actually the only revelation here as we already knew Toilet ov Hell were drunken homosexual posers. Could one person be publishing slightly reworded posts across multiple sites? The Blast Beat Network’s news coverage on MetalSucks and Metal Injection sure does looks like a Hapsburg’s family tree.

As for Maarat:

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67 thoughts on “Cry In Staged Over Death Metal Underground’s Dominance”

  1. M says:

    Fuck, at least you guys are funny….

    1. BMUK Faggot says:

      Are they? I’ve tolerated Conservationist since BMUK days and i still await a time and place in which he will be funny.

  2. GGALLIN1776 says:

    Sweet track suit Herr Maarat, it could be much worse. Jnco’s.

    I’ve struck gold in harvesting sjw tears in the “metal” forum on meetme, I think the blast beat network owns it. So full of tape hipsters, sentence bands(bring me the butthole, i once wrestled a gay man in a dark alley) & weak excuses for facial hair. And that’s just the females.

  3. 1488 not 1776 says:

    The Alex Jones analogy isn’t too far off. I like Brett but he needs to read less Evola/Nietzsche and more Colin Jordan/Savitri Devi

  4. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Some more: “You have a policy that you don’t quote Death Metal Underground, tell us about that”. “They’re not funny. It’s run by a bunch of Nazis […]”.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Misunderstang prevention: I though this was funny. The babbling then continued along the lines of “They don’t write stuff that’s supposed to be funny. They only review death metal albums from 1993. They’re really just like reactionary conservatives [not quite the same as Nazis, ain’it it?] one can find at … They’re all dreadful misantrophs [“seem very angry at the world”]”. I dropped off at this point (07:3x – 08:xx) as this was too uninteresting (minus the intial “It’s run by …”

      1. you're gay says:

        i’m a missantrough

  5. L.M. Nuts says:

    You mad as shit, boy.

      1. Joe Thrashnkill says:

        That’s not Joe but I am. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with what is apparently the most triggering podcast in metal.

        1. You need more joke for your podcast. First two Cullen Toner listed were good then you ran out of steam. Just boring like Toilet ov Whiny Tears.

          1. Joe Thrashnkill says:

            Thank you for your feedback. In the future I will be sure to include more jokes for our ESL listeners.

            1. Kvlt Attakker says:

              Fuck your floorbed and FUCK YOU!

              1. Coalrollen Boner says:

                FLVSH! WOOOOOO!

        2. Rainer Weikusat says:

          apparently the most triggering podcast in metal.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmZ6vxjvmZE

          1. you're gay says:

            i don’t get it

            is it some of that famous German humour I keep hearing about?

            1. Rainer Weikusat says:

              That’s a live video from a (or the) local band of the absolutely not nice place I had the mispleasure to live in from 1999 – 2010,

              https://www.google.co.uk/maps/@49.997949,8.267987,3a,75y,159.97h,91.56t/data=!3m8!1e1!3m6!1s-XejDOi8Kgag%2FU1mO_yCzFpI%2FAAAAAAAAZTs%2F80dilFnb9Okw9HS-bNaH7au7PjxvynTYACJkC!2e4!3e11!6s%2F%2Flh6.googleusercontent.com%2F-XejDOi8Kgag%2FU1mO_yCzFpI%2FAAAAAAAAZTs%2F80dilFnb9Okw9HS-bNaH7au7PjxvynTYACJkC%2Fw203-h100-k-no-pi-0-ya65.94624-ro-0-fo100%2F!7i7200!8i3600

              I moved there because it was the closest thing resembling a town to the place my parents lived in and it seemed to offer chances of getting a job where I could put my talents to some productive use instead spending the remainder of my life with minimum wage assembly line work and living off welfare, this being the only options available to “so einem” (“one of them”, no idea what “them” is supposed to be) in my so-called home town. The bulk of the locals consider impoliteness a virtue and generally behave themselves in a way that I’ve more than once entertained the thought that the Americans should really have tried one of their nuclear bombs there at the end of WWII despite my mother was born in this place.

              In line with this, the (German) text of this song addresses a hypothetical ‘other person’ found guilty of existing in a place where he isn’t welcome. Insofar I remember/ understood this (I was likely somewhere in the crowd at that time) the stanzas consist of insults like You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You stink. Your father was a dog. The dog only fucked your mother because it was blind drunk. Your shitfaced mother thought it was her boy-friend because of the smell. Etc. And you keep talking., followed by the chorus which advises

              Hall dei Maul! Erst wenn du wirklich was zu sagen hast, mach die Klappe wieder auf!

              That’s a dialect form of Halt dein Maul!, a seriously gruff — Maul denotes the mouth of an animal — German phrase for Shut up, followed by Unless you happen to have something of interest to say at some unspecified time in the future.

              It seemed like a good fit here.

  6. PeteB says:

    Triggered much?

  7. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    I repeat… he’s an actual FUCKING NAZI! (Cue the Ren and Stimpy sound effects)

  8. Cynical says:

    Beating one tiny blog isn’t “dominance”. Even a site like cvltnation is getting four times as many hits as you guys are.

    1. Cullen Toner says:

      Cvlt Nation is part of the Blastbeat Network, which is heavily funded by offering paid advertising services (on top of plenty of startup cash from Umanov guitars being conveniently located in New York’s most expensive neighborhood). A lot of that revenue gets spent on expensive SEO packages that drive up the web traffic. So it’s impressive that Death Metal Underground is getting better numbers than some of these sites (including DecibelMagazine.com despite them being the only metal zine sold in stores these days) given that we don’t need to sell advertising packages… we’re just good

  9. Vigilance says:

    I feel like if you’re going to tell us that this website held a sexiest man in metal contest then you should mention who won.

    1. you're gay says:

      knowing their tastes it was probably Axl Rose or one of those emo goofballs with the scary names

    2. Bert Banana says:

      It’s still going on! It’s down to the “Erotic Eight”. You still have time to vote!

    3. DHP4EVA says:

      Still ongoing, down to the final 8.

    4. Psychic Psych Toad says:

      I hope it comes down to Faust and Jon Nodtveit!

  10. Outlaw Metal Alpha says:

    Please deploy your intellectual supremacy and correct the grammatical error that occurs two sentences later.

  11. 1349 says:

    Excellent choreography there in the video. I’m fucking mesmerised. =))
    It’s a pity you guys can’t fully appreciate the hilariousness of this clip, since you’re not Slavs.
    Or maybe cmd. Maarat is really a Russian agent, one of those who hacked the latest Murkan elections?

  12. Goat Egg says:

    I wanna join that crazy drunken tracksuit crew…

  13. you're gay says:

    i’m guessing Maarat is the guy with the sunglasses and the breadstick in his hand

  14. Phil says:

    Reply here if you want a good hard shagging.

  15. BlackPhillip says:

    I kinda just want to listen to the best that death metal and black metal have to offer. This other stuff just makes me want to slit throats.

  16. Trump2016 says:

    Fuck your feelings.

  17. Guy says:

    Fuck you. If I ever see you I’ll slap the shit out of you. You dont insult the best metal blog and get away with it. You’re a piece of shit and you deserve to lose everything. Consider me your reckoning.

  18. Guy says:

    You’re a coward Cullen. If I ever see you I’d recommend running for your life.

    1. you're gay says:

      ha ha, Cullen is a coward!

      let me guess, your last name is ‘Incognito’?

  19. whatever says:

    the optimism around here is discouraging.

  20. Ole Dusty says:

    An article about Limp Bizkit?!?! We should all probably go read it… so that we can make fun of it!

  21. Gardens of Grief Gnome says:

    The first band sucked ass. That site is not metal.

    1. Cull & Toner Her says:

      What the fuck is a “Grief Gnome”?!

  22. SJP says:

    I guess y’all were too busy being super un-cucked alpha outlaws to spellcheck or design a website that doesn’t look like it’s from 1998. Super cool that insecure date rapists have a place where they can hang out and discuss how scary tattoo needles are, though.

    1. Gardens of Grief Gnome says:

      Is that a Leviathan reference?

      1. Cornrose says:

        !!!!

        1. cornrose says:

          I just plunged my huge uncut cock into your mom who’s from ’98.

          1. SJP says:

            Tell mom I said hey.

            1. Cornrose says:

              Yeah… ya mama’s mouth is too full of foreskin to respond to your salutations. I’m thinking from the sound of it she said “wish you were here but you grew up a dang’d ol’ queer!” Faggot assed faggot.

  23. sans says:

    Toilet ov Hell is essentially what a metal blog would look like if it was written by goons from Something Awful. Although I doubt they actually are Something Awful goons, they behave a lot like them in that they pretend like they’re jokesters who are above it all, but in reality they are leftist partisans who impotently rage against anyone who doesn’t share their ideology. They’re not even competent partisans. They use memes and unfunny jokes to hide the fact that they don’t know how to argue. They’re so braindead it’s a wonder they even know how to read. By the way, the site was created by people who were rejected from the Metal Sucks comment sections. That’s right. The people on Toilet ov Hell are so retarded that not even Metal Sucks wanted them around.

    1. Ole Dusty says:

      Incorrect sir! We voluntarily left MetalSucks because of the hostility, bigotry, and general dumbassitude in the comments sections there. There is not a soul who was rejected. Somebody grew tired of the TMZ-ness of MS and created a place where people can get along and discuss metal politely and constructively. That is what happened. You’re welcome ;)

      1. Kim Kelly's Seafood Delights says:

        “We voluntarily left MetalSucks”

        Toilet Ov Trotskyism.

      2. Kvlt Attakker says:

        Your amazon.com floorbed is fucking organic . FUCK YOU!

      3. cornrose says:

        Metal doesn’t discuss politely or get along with. U must commit suicide

    2. you're gay says:

      Dr David Thorpe was hilarious

  24. Coalrollen Boner says:

    WOOOOOOOO! Let’s roll some coal all over them SJW pudsnuffers! Where’s my monster energy drink? Crank that FFDP! WOOOOOOOO!

  25. Matt Risnes says:

    Unless the writers of the articles here can Bench 225 for reps or some other demonstrable strength or masculinity benchmark, they should probably cool it with the referring to everyone they don’t like as “beta males”.

    1. Fenrir says:

      I agree.
      Judging by pictures, I don’t see the writers here surviving a week in an infantry barracks.

      1. Kvlt Attakker says:

        Your latino fervor has thrusted what we in the west would call your head right into your mexican gluteus maximus!

        1. Fenrir says:

          Hahahaha
          “THE WEST”.
          Hahahaha
          P.s. “Latino”? Wtf is that? Another one of your ignorant gringo slurs? “The west”needs to start spending on education!

          1. Kvlt Attakker says:

            Do you even know what barracks are? It’s where soldiers lodge, not battle. Therefore anyone can survive in one for a week.

            1. Rainer Weikusat says:

              Do you know that a guy named Jeffrey Dahmer was in the US army in Germany and had a flat mate (in a barrack) superiors considered an attention whore?

            2. you're gay says:

              he was obviously talking about training you dipshit

      2. Vigilance says:

        Yeah but who’s the best looking?

  26. Open Borders for Israel says:

    Haha, these people are so blue pilled that they think Paul Joseph Watson is off the hook. They think that being like him is being too extreme.

    1. Fratnir says:

      And infowars is FAR RIGHT

  27. Cuckmaster Flex says:

    Dis write-up is Beta as fuk yo. A true Alpha would’ve went Str8 gangsta up in this piece. Y’all is softer than Pillsbury dough, weak!!!!

  28. Syphilis says:

    DMU needs more sexy lists.

    1. whatever says:

      and horror and pessimism.

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