DEATH METAL GENERAL: I DON’T NEED ABBATH EDITION

Immortal is back!  Well… sort of.  Halfway there.  Right? In name at least?

You see, Demonaz- Immortal’s original guitarist during the 90’s, lyricist during the 2000’s, and now vocalist/guitarist and lyricist in the 2010s- is back with drummer-on-some-albums skinsman Horgh.  Wait, actually, the two have only played together on one album (out of twelve) so can they really “be back?”  Anyway, Demonaz and Horgh have out-lawyered the band’s drugged out drunken cornerstone musician Abbath, who played every instrument except for guitar when Demonaz was in the band and then played guitar over 9000 times better than Demonaz once the latter got a case of tendentious.  With the name locked down and a healthy Nuclear Blast Records budget, the duo get ready to make a seriously play for the wallets of misguided fans.

But wait, the tendentious that crippled him for a decade is suddenly gone?  Can he still pick at the rediculous guitar tempos of Blizzard Beasts? Can he even play at all?  There’s a lot to unpack in this one, so let’s get trolling as we recap the story of the band who turned black metal’s creepy aesthetics into the hair metal of the 90s…

NOT QUITE BACK IN BLACK, BUT DAMNED IN IT, I GUESS

>>For those of you who are here because you heard that the losers that hang out on Nuclear War Now! forums think we’re too edgy and extreme for them, Immortal was one of the pioneering black metal bands in the early Norwegian black metal scene.  They’re also the first band to make black metal totally goofy and campy with ridiculous music videos, lyrics and outfits.  In the 90’s, Abbath and Demonaz reigned, with Horgh joining 4 albums in until guitarist Demonaz got tendinitis from not doing his warm ups.  Then Abbath (the vocalist, bassist and sometimes drummer) switched to guitar and wrote/recorded the band’s best album At the Heart of Winter.  Abbath played on all the 2000’s albums, which were hit and miss (but not as good as the 90s), ended the band, did a “comeback album” and ended the band again.

>>Now in the most ridiculous cash grab ever attempted in metal, Demonaz and Horgh are billing their new album a “(second) comeback album” despite only playing together on one album, missing at least 3 albums each, and a comeback album happening almost 10 years ago.  The band are playing the nostalgia card to the point of vile necrophilia, to an extreme we’ve never seen before- even in this perverse era of retro/rehash metal- with song titles such as “The Gates to Blashyrkh,” “Grim and Dark,” and “Mighty Ravendark”

>>Immortal’s songs in the 90’s included “Grim and Frostbitten Kingdoms” and “Blashyrkh (Mighty Ravendark).”  YES, THEY TOOK ONE REDICULOUS SONG TITLE AND MADE  TWO NEW RIDICULOUS SONG TITLES OUT OF IT.

>>Seriously, this whole situation is a music industry troll.  Do not buy.  SAGE THIS

SODOMIZE THE… BAND?

>>The frontman of German thrash legends Sodom recently fired the other two members… through text message.

>>The leftist metal media still has yet to figure out that he has been recording solo albums using the insanely politicially insensitive name Onkel Tom Angelripper

>>In b4 Tom creates holograms of Destructor and Witch Hunter to tour a rerecording of Obsessed by Cruelty.  

TRANS-WITCH MORTIIS PREFORMING LIVE

>>Mortiis, the bassist and lyricist of Emperor’s earliest works, is touring a remake of Født til å Herske- the first solo album he made in 1994 after he left Emperor.

>>This means that within the last 4 years, all 3 orginal members of Emperor have performed entire sets out of music created in 1994, the last year of music.

>>Mortiis pioneered the trend of identifying as things outside of one’s biological makeup when he became a goblin for 20 years, yet remains unknown on the left after Marilyn Mason stole his gimmick…

 

HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND….

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18 thoughts on “DEATH METAL GENERAL: I DON’T NEED ABBATH EDITION”

  1. ass bologna says:

    Whatever nuclear blast staff was in the room when those song titles were approved should be rounded up and fired. How many song titles need the words “Ravendark,” “Ice,” “Black” and “Sorrow”? post-90s Immortal makes Manowar look experimental.

    ps please lose the FELLOW KIDS 4chan meme imageboard stuff

  2. YouSonOf60,000Whores says:

    Tom Angelripper finally made the right choice, he would never put a good metal record with Makka and Bernemann. His vocal deliverance was the only good thing in the last N Sodom albums.
    I really hope that one day Sodom will make a strong comeback.

    1. Trashchunk says:

      It would take some fucking miracle to pick up where Obsessed By Cruelty left off though The Final Sign of Evil showed it possible even if the album was sorta crappy, it was better than everything after Tapping The Vein. Is this my final holdout for a former glorious band getting back to what made them great? I thought I was over across the board but it still seems possible for Onkel Tom to pick it back up. As not really worthwhile a ton of Sodom albums are they turned out the least gay.

  3. Spinal says:

    AtHoW their best? It’s a kickass heavy metal album for sure, but…

    1. Dániel says:

      It may be their best album, but not their best black metal album.

      1. NWN Tranny Goblin Squad says:

        Thought it was stadium metal. Every song was repetitive.

      2. ass bologna says:

        How did I miss this? Even dmu buys into the cult surrounding that wacken candy metal turdburger now?

    2. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

      Pure Holocaust

      1. Nuclear Cunt says:

        *Pure Riffocaust

        1. ABBAth says:

          *Purely for Sodomites

    3. Svmmoned says:

      It is considered that if you simply accept that it’s just updated heavy metal, then this album is awesome. But in fact, even then it’s not. It’s just a reputation.

  4. Rectums Disdained says:

    It may not be their best black metal album, but it is THE best black metal album.

  5. NWN Orcish Tranny Goblin Sodomizer (owner of every NWN vinyl) says:

    I support Mortiis in his quest to be a goblin. All the members of Emperor are goblins, hobbits, etc.

  6. Nuclear Cunt says:

    >>In b4 Tom creates holograms of Destructor and Witch Hunter to tour a rerecording of Obsessed by Cruelty.
    BASED!

  7. Pippin says:

    Someone fill my hungry hobbit hole.

  8. Trashchunk says:

    The tendinitis plays into the previous article about poverty being the price, I am guessing Immortal did not need dayjobs, fag got tendinitis because all he ever did with his hands is play guitar. As shocking as it might seem you have to use your hands daily in creating some sort of resistance against the muscles so the tendons do not become weak and diseased. Playing guitar all the time doesn’t make anything strong on you, if you look at almost every successful band from the old days they all have skinny weak faggot arms because they don’t have to use them for anything, not even lift their own amps and cabinets which are fucking heavy in general. If anyone wants to fight them well the Stones figured out to get Hell’s Angels to step in and beat the niggardly heathens back from grabbing their jewels. Even Metallica and Slayer in the prime of their youth had embarrassingly skinny arms. Not saying being a roids moron is better, as usual there’s a balance, no one understands that anymore.

    1. Svmmoned says:

      This guy seems to be relevant to both of your points.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXzgVjKXlkI

      I wouldn’t think that someone with such a mass may be able to match the speed of Slayer and Sepultura.

  9. Deathevokation says:

    I haven’t paid attention to bullshit band politics, big egos, and self destruction since David Lee Roth left Van Halen. Unless one is new to metal it’s only obvious a new Immortal album will blow chunks. I’ll check it out on youtube for laughs after its release.

    If you want big forearms become a plumber not a guitarist. Fags.

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