Sadistic Metal Reviews 07-25-15

smrtop

Superficially repacking the old into the new for a younger, naiver generation is an abhorrent commercial practice of both record labels and Hollywood studios. These five independent artists have bravely submitted their failures in doing so to the Death Metal Underground. May our objective criticism prove constructive to their suicides.

archemoron

Archemoron – Sulfur and Fire (2015)

Archemoron. Yes, Archemoron. Yes, this band named themselves Archemoron. Yes Archemoron were not joking; Archemoron are serious. When not ripping off Slayer, Archemoron play melodic black and death metal riffs arranged into rock dirges. Many of Archemoron’s own “riffs” are pinch harmonics repeated for two minutes. Archemoron’s tracks are five to seven minutes too long. Archemoron invoke Hieronymus Bosch about as much as Dark Funeral taking their pants off and whacking each others’ dicks with pool noodles for an hour before running a train on the ass of the one in the gimp chains invokes heterosexuality. Archemoron are arch morons.

deathwhite

Deathwhite – Solitary Martyr (2015)

Hoobastank is back with a new EP. What remains of Roadrunner has surprisingly not signed them yet. I am watching a group of shaved-ape Russians fishhook a fat hooker with their dicks. The mascara is running as they pound her face and ass. The asshole stretches to accommodate more Poles. Time for the money shot. So this is a creampie scene? Damn they are ejaculating in her ass one by one. That’s nasty. She’s squeezing it out now. Mother of god that is not watery semen; this is a group piss enema into a prolapsed rectum. That bloody red, inside-out Russian rectal meat is wet with piss and shit flakes. Only Relapse Records could masturbate to this.

enthring

Enthring – The Art of Chaos (2015)

Is this Hells Headbangers Motorheadcore? Slayer? Slayer doesn’t have keyboards. Chanting? Why? Enthring want the lyrics to be important in these rock songs so why are they detracting from what I can’t understand with a melotron? Motorhead didn’t need keyboards in the 70s, Motorhead doesn’t need keyboards added in now. Stop remixing music you cannot comprehend into carnival music metalcore with breakdowns. This is the Transsexual Serbian Orchestra of metalcore soggy biscuiting that Fleshlight Apocalypse that came in Nuclear Blast’s die hard edition.

goattorment

Goat Torment – Sermons to Death (2015)

Goat Torment attempt to preach to Death himself by prying open fans’ assholes with Sodom and Slayer. While many experienced heshers can instantly see through such a ruse, many of today’s trve metal warriors only listen to bands that their chill core bros designate as “bestial.” This audience is unaware nor cares of the thrash rehash cash-in. The martyred Euronymous himself was fond of cutoff Sodom belly shirts and dildo prostrate massages so Pitchfork will say that Goat Tormentor having a daisy chain finished by using Tom Angelripper’s visage on the back of their shirts as a cum target is a socially acceptable sexual practice. Sermons to Death is an Outbreak of AIDS.

kyy

Kyy – Travesty of Light (2015)

Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir pandered “black metal” to Hot Topic tweens. Kyy attempt the same by sticking random minor key tremolo riffs in their nu metalcore. Twenty eight year olds with Vatnett Viskar backpatches, sleaveless jean jackets, and questionable sexual preferences won’t lap this up like they do teenage goth ass. Travesty of Light lacks the catchy screeched vocal hooks and emotional choruses to be distributed by Century Media. Only more randomness grounded by catchier vocal dichotomies may grant Kyy the hairy hipster fudge.

smrbottom

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10 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 07-25-15”

  1. Grail's Mysteries says:

    Why give consciously symmetrical cover art to an album titled “The Art of Chaos?” I guess I’m nitpicking.

    1. The Cart of Aosoth says:

      True; you’ve got Death bleeding out in an otherwise spotless throne room built by Photoshop, and now I notice that all the albums in this SMR sesh have almost perfectly symmetrical covers.

      1. Daniel says:

        Death’s having his period.

  2. LostInTheANUS says:

    Holy fuck is this SMR nasty and it’s just the way I like it.

  3. Tween says:

    I can’t believe today’s metal audience can be so stupid as to think what they listen to can even be called metal anymore. It’s like each generation gets even more stupid than the previous one. Also I can’t believe I love spreading my buttcheeks to sexy open minded longhairs as much as I love listening to Pasage Dhiver!

  4. Heptagram says:

    The reason why Metal sucks nowadays is because of the influence of growing though “Studying” and “Observing” from a distance, which comes from modern formal education. Too many people just “listen” to and “feel” Metal without understanding it, and understanding can only be gained by IMMERSION and EXPERIENCE. The older classic albums were created by people who had EXPERIENCE dealing with what Metal is expressing (that’s why they had inherent knowledge of how to create Metal; all real knowledge is obtained HOLISTICALLY), while the new bands are made up with people that actually reject the Metal EXPERIENCE of life. You can even notice this in the fans.

    The internet plays a huge part in this because you can “enjoy” things without actual REAL LIFE IMMERSION. Metal has so many people into it now because of this…

    Hail Hermes Trigmegistos
    Hail Satan

    1. Goat Sodomator says:

      This can only be fixed with hessianic male bonding.

  5. Demonseed says:

    I have been waiting for years to see someone make this excellent point : “Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir pandered “black metal” to Hot Topic tweens”

    Kudos to the Staff there ! That comment brightened my day and rings true to my perspective.

    1. Daniel says:

      A not autistic commentator pointing out the lazy review! The album’s title describes it perfectly: a travesty.

      1. Angry Metal Gay says:

        That faggot Angry Metal Guy is such a hippie rim-jobbing poser he probably masturbates to Deathwite !

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