Sadistic Metal Reviews: Fisting Female-Fronted Pseudo-Metal

goetz iron hand

Resistance fuels hatred and must be crushed beneath an iron fist.

the oath
The Oath – The Oath (2014)
“Whoa!” – Keanu Reeves. These women are actually fairly attractive! Usually metal girls are fat, under 5’4, and have saggy tits. Or they love Slipknot. I can see why Lee Dorian is dicking the hot one. This at least has riffs even if most of the songs wear out their welcome fairly quickly. There are Cathedral albums more boring than this but most of these songs feel like Motorhead if they smoked dope instead of cranked speed. Motorhead if Motorhead were boring and the songs went on two minutes too long and had random riff salad bridges. If these two would actually get naked on the cover like the real Coven and separated or refined their compositions, maybe this would be more listenable. Hold it is that riff from Bad Company? Who steals riffs from Bad Company? What kind of degenerate does that? If this is among the more listenable grrrl metal…

agoraphobic nosebleed arc
Agoraphobic Nosebleed – Arc (2016)
As ridiculous as their band name, Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s 2016 effort is a lazy mixture of stoner rock and deathcore. It consists of interleaved Black Sabbath-core grooves and pointless breakdowns accentuated by a menstruating screamo vocalist. By the very definition of those two genres, the reader should know this is but a string of feel-good moments with absolutely no point whatsoever.

One has to wonder if the band even knows what “agoraphobic” means, given their blatantly idiotic use in their band name. From there, we can easily tell how they would also try to use “fancy vocabs” from the metal terrain without even knowing what they are for, hence the constant groove with no beginning or ending. The meaningless breakdowns that do not necessarily make the stoner rock more bearable, but just emphasize what white trash trailer park music this is. It is an updated distorted-guitar redneck music.

Baroness Purple
Baroness – Purple (2015)
The most generic heavy metal rhythm guitar riffing possible clipped with too much compression and mixed with queer hipster rock for those who question their sexuality. I’m pretty sure the hairy girls in this band are in a polygamous relationship with the dude singing and blow roadies on the side. Kind of like how Carrie Fischer let the crew members of the original Star Wars rip the tape off her tits only with more Hepatitis C positive semen from people who tried intravenous drugs. This album sounds like my local modern rock radio station who plays Bush twice a day. Baroness is the most generic 2003 rock possible only maybe one of these girls’ brothers had Led Zeppelin and Metallica posters in her bedroom. Baroness should go back to VH1. Wait VH1 doesn’t air this crap anymore as even VH1 realized how terrible it is. VH1 is Rock of Love now.

wolvserpent
Wolvserpent – Aporia:Kāla:Ananta (2016)
Who knows why we ever receive these sort of promos that are not remotely metal, though perhaps some suppose there is a connection because the sound and procedure may remind one of the pointlessness of post metal/rock. At the center of Wolvserpent’s music is a violin playing repetitive music while the fringes are filled with synthesizers, bass and some kind of distorted noise to fill the space. I imagine this purports to be ambient, and it evidently takes cues not only from what we know today as classic ambient but from the old, more noise-inclusive and experimental one. At some point during the 40 minutes of this release, towards the approach of its middle section, a growl-screech appears and we become the audience of a post-doom-black nothingness that lasts for about 5 minutes. After this, the music tries to pick up by adding some synths to beef up the emptiness of the lame doom metal writing that approximates what Esoteric do most of the time (waste your time with largely content-less sections while pretending to have an ambient edge). This amounts to little more than piled up noise with some consonance. This melting away proceeds for about 8 more minutes, after which we are introduced to a 4-minute hum. This hum gives then serves as background for some 3 classical string instruments playing repetitive disonant arpeggios for 3 or 4 more minutes until only they remain and the music fades out to the sound of soothing, rolling, waves. Empty and boring. Throw this away

Cult-of-Luna-and-Julie-Christmas-Mariner
Cult of Luna & Julie Christmas – Mariner (2016)
Enya songs with randomly inserted post-metalcore sludge bridges. Are those bongos? Is this Arise? Who thought of this? Whoever thought of this should be shot in the back of the head by their local troika, have their children post-nataly aborted, and their women deported to the camps for wives of traitors to the motherland.

snake tongue
Snake Tongue – Raptor’s Breath (2016)
Random stolen eighties metal riffs made into Entombedcore with gang vocals by Kurt Ballou. I think that’s a woman in the promo picture. Maybe it’s a man who is just confused that his baby dick is a big clitoris. Yeah they can get that big. Haven’t you seen Backdoor to Chyna?
band

necrosic cover
Necrosic – Putrid Decimation (2016)
These girls imagine what would have happened if in 1990 Autopsy had written songs entirely out of mosh riffs broken up by hardcore and shameless lifts from Slayer’s catalog. The answer is a metal band that would have only have been fit to play pizza parlors filled with 17 year olds too busy playing arcade games to pay attention. Anthrax if Anthrax decided to cash-in on sludge instead of nu-metal in the early 90s.

sacrilege reissue
Sacrilege – Behind the Realms of Madness (1985)
This is the sort of release that exemplifies that some releases were never meant to be heard, not to mention be re-released. To pretend this is some sort of hidden gem is to pander to the clueless audience’s sense of nostalgia in the most dishonest way. Sacrilege never amounted to much as their music was never much. What we hear in hear in Behind the Realms of Madness is the sort of simpleton’s generic metal any angry teenager could be writing and playing in his garage with his friends after huffing glue. Each of these songs is based entirely upon a single riff played ad nauseam while an angry woman shouts about how much she hates her father. There are random supplementary riffs here and there but they are just meant to provide some sense of dynamism to the propulsion of the main riff. The main riffs in every song are generic and almost indistinguishable, the vocals are identical (some angry British woman screaming about how she got fucked over by her dad who wouldn’t pay for her BA in Womyn’s and Sexual Identity Studies), and every single song has the same kind of poser-trudging-accross-the-mall-food-court from Hot Topic vibe about it.

sacred few - beyond cover
Sacred Few – Beyond the Walls (1985)
Another mediocre eighties heavy metal album with an annoying vocalist that deserved to be forgotten. Manilla Road this is not; the songwriting is generic, the riffs unoriginal, and the guitar tone too thin. This was only pressed to CD to cash in on idiot hipsters dumb enough to be deluded by Vice into believing that metal needs more dumpy women. I would rather listen to every Motorhead album I don’t remember even exists than this lame woman who drinks too much Budweiser again. This is retro-metal for cuckolded submissive males who think Steve Harris is Pogrom and jerked off to the blonde women in catsuits from The Oath instead of real porn. I’m going to crack open another Coors Banquet and use this CD as a coaster. Wait is the Puerto Rican  guy in the collar her slave?
Sacred_Few-promo_photo

lizzies cover
Lizzies – Good Luck (2016)
Judas Priest covered by Spanish pre-op transsexuals. Listening to this album makes me want to chop my leg off so my femoral artery will bleed out in three minutes. Two tracks in and I just put on Unleashed in the East instead. Let’s all listen to that classic instead of this crap:

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59 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Fisting Female-Fronted Pseudo-Metal”

  1. vOddy says:

    I’ve already spotted English errors, and I have neither read the entire article nor grown up with English as my first language.

    For shame. You can do better than this. Put in some more effort.

    1. vOddy says:

      English is a potentially beautiful language. Don’t contribute to its devolution.

      1. LostInTheANUS says:

        I’d dig a Shakespearean SMR.

  2. canadaspaceman says:

    hahaha, really?
    Sacrilege – Behind the Realms of Madness (1985) is one of the greatest hardcore / crossover records. Maybe because it made an impact on me when released, just like the other game changers back then like S.O.D.
    If you listen some more, you will hear SACRILEGE owed more to “single riff” DISCHARGE-type songs than any heavy metal band when they started.

    yeah, The Oath (2014) album was okay from what I barely remember. Without their attractive looks, they would not have been as well known. They weren’t too evil it seems, because they WOULD have been naked all the time to anger religious people.

  3. trystero says:

    Arent you guys tired of this waste of time yet. What is SMR about? Shitting on garbage we already know is garbage? It is the reviewed albums that ultimately everyone is ambivalent about that deserve this treatment. Blood Incantation should be a sadistic metal review. This stuff has been played out for years. Something like bitterman on metal-archives actually succeeds at something because of what it picks and where it is posted. This is shrill and stupid.

    You cant compete with the online metal `press`, its fundamentally fucked up.

    1. vOddy says:

      Given the comment above yours by CanadaSpaceMan, it seems that it is not so obvious. Not every one agrees that it is shit, so you can not with accuracy say that this is stuff that “we already know is garbage”.

      1. vOddy says:

        And it’s not like CanadaSpaceMan is some mallcore kid who’s opinion we can automatically discard based on his nature being so different that his good is our evil.

    2. HH says:

      People read M-A reviews? I just look at the score hope the predictably sardonic/iconoclastic title is clever. How do you quantify the difference between a 73% and a 74% album score anyway?

    3. I blew my head off like Per Ohlin says:

      Aside from Baroness and Sacrilege, I hadn’t heard of the others.

      1. I blew my head off like Per Ohlin says:

        Oh and Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Of course I knew about them.
        So yes, this SMR was still informative in some way.

    4. Poser Patrol says:

      couple of points:

      1. SMRs are more a form of entertainment than anything else, not actual reviews. Moreover they give readers a lesson in how to trash crappy bands.

      2. Remember when Brett was writing backhanded praise for metalcore bands in hopes of expanding readership? The current site strategy of pointing out actual metal bands with potential is much more effective and more importantly, honest. It seems to be working because the comments section and guest contributions have been very active. Besides, if I recall correctly, you too praised Blood Incantation so your criticisms aren’t exactly consistent.

      3. I know you’re a capable writer, why don’t you lead by example and submit your own articles?

      1. weight of truth, burden of mass says:

        Blood Incantation was damned with faint praise.

        1. C.M. says:

          I wrote a fully positive review for Interdimensional Extinction. Apparently myself and Old Disgruntled Bastard are the only ones who share that perspective. I still encourage everyone to give them a chance when their full-length comes out.

    5. weight of truth, burden of mass says:

      Right as always.

    6. weight of truth, burden of mass says:

      Only Brett Stevens writing is true. That’s why the Transilvanian Hunger review and backpedaling on Ares Kingdom was disingenuous – written by people who haven’t developed a sense for writing about music at large with any intellectual honesty. The stance has changed from “considering all” to “opinions”.

      1. David Rosales says:

        Ares Kingdom is SHIT especially when CONSIDERING ALL.

        No one “backpedalled”. We were two different writers with antagonizing views on it.
        It is not about “opinions”, one of us is right, the other is wrong, at least for some specific aspects.
        The site allows for these clashes, that is all.

  4. C.M. says:

    Doesn’t one of the Autopsy members play in Necrosic?

    1. weight of truth, burden of mass says:

      Yes, Eric Cutler. There’s only 1 girl in the band.

  5. horrible dick and ball torture says:

    I have more contempt for female metal musicians than you can possibly imagine and even I thought this SMR was poor. Try harder, guys.

    1. uhhh says:

      seriously?

  6. Jennifer T. says:

    Hello guys !

    I would like to ask you if you think the Norwegian black metal band ODIUM are any good??
    There is certain consensus in other sites that their debut cd is a minor classic. What do you think?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZi3q9asjLw

    1. trystero says:

      No, Tony, your band isnt good. It is better than what passes for black metal nowadays though.

    2. vOddy says:

      I haven’t listened to this enough yet to give a full review, but preliminarily, I can say that it has potential. Maybe it’s good. If I decide to give it more time and effort, I’ll be able to give a more detailed response, and a judgement.

      It didn’t immediately repulse me, but neither did it attract me. Some music which had this initial effect on me has turned out to be good.

  7. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

    No new music will have any lasting impact ever again, it will be a constant observing of the tennis ball while you all walk off a cliff. There is no real point in even trying to make music because if you read this site you will overthink it and try to hard make it right more scared of a bad review (not fitting in) than making a pure expression , while the great bands just cranked it out with no premeditation. The only perks of playing in a band is doing weekend shows and hanging out with other bands so you can tell each other how great you are while you play for 20 people. The two people there who really get into the albums will be the most depressing losers, and the only attractive female there will be going with a guy with a ponytail. It’s the weekend so you can be a lawless wolf warrior and outcast in safe designated plays one before going back to work.

    1. hypocrite says:

      wow pessimism and predicting doom, that’s a new one

    2. weight of truth, burden of mass says:

      Exactly. Coincidence maybe that metal failed just as the internet became popular?

    3. Abominable Goatpenis says:

      You cant even pull your dick out at shows anymore. What the fuck!?

    4. vOddy says:

      You are describing the mentality of a poser.
      Such people shouldn’t make metal anyway.
      As for the “perks” of making music: lol.
      The reason to make music is because you want to describe or express or say something. The perk of making music is, that music comes in to existence. Make the music you yourself want to hear.
      And if it gets shat on by this site, so what.

      1. vOddy says:

        Correction: *And if it gets shit on

      2. C.M. says:

        Precisely.

        If you’re so gay that you take DMU seriously enough to craft your songs around getting good reviews then you’re already a neurotic dipshit and would probably never make good music anyway.

        1. vOddy says:

          Metal is not united. It can not be, and perhaps it shouldn’t even be.

          It is more of a way to look at the world, than any ideology in itself. Therefore, different, opposing forces can “be metal” while still vying for dominance.

          It is part of reality, that two people can be completely intellectually honest, and still have incompatible values and goals, thus forcing a conflict between them. Values, morality, what ever we call it, is part of one’s fundamental nature. One can not change this part of himself any more than he can change what a thing looks like to him. (I am not speaking of herd morality, which comes from an instinct to submit to one’s tribe).
          And some natures are incompatible with each other.

          1. vOddy says:

            My point is that you may get shit on by other (true) metalheads, including this website, but that shouldn’t stop you.

            I am certain that many legendary bands shat on each other all of the time.

  8. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

    Plays one was supposed to be playzone but my phone knows what’s better for me

    1. vOddy says:

      Mediocre, I say

    2. ass magma says:

      this band is a personality trinket for “alternative lifestyle” fake rebellion retards. perfect for blasting on your Beats headphones while taking a fat rip from your vape.

  9. wizo says:

    could you please hire someone that is able to write, instead of ranting at almost everything because his life sucks and hates women because nobody wants to fuck him? and if not, someone that with all the despicable traits aforementioned at least have a leftover of balls to put his name on this shit instead of Staff? did I say that you suck shit and are to music what fascism is to politic in term of intelligence and open mindness? no? there you go

    1. Captain Politico says:

      Can I integrate my axe into that open mind of yours?

    2. hypocrite says:

      “Open mindedness” is a pretty hard thing to find when it comes to politics. That said, this article did come off as pretty vitriolic without the usual wit and insight. THAT said, most of the albums reviewed are complete shit so trashing them is a good thing regardless of how well it is done.

    3. LostInTheANUS says:

      Are you lost traveler? How did you get here on your way to tumblr?

      1. vOddy says:

        He or she is lost. In the anus.

  10. Abduljenkem Whoongahessien says:

    No Morgengrau?

  11. vOddy says:

    ““Whoa!” – Keanu Reeves. These women are actually fairly attractive! Usually metal girls are fat, under 5’4, and have saggy tits. Or they love Slipknot.”

    This was not my experience when I went to Deathcrusher 2015. There was not a single Slipknot shirt in sight, nor ugly woman. I was surprised at how many women were there.

  12. trystero says:

    I dont want to address the replies to me as the criticism is not meant to be harsh. As always, I will continue to read and try to draw people here. The cohort of ANUS/DLA fans will stick around forever pretty much. Since the conversation was drawn away from this particular SMR I wanted to mention one band which really was a success because earlier there was some skepticism about whether anything could be called good here.

    Infamous, with three releases reviewed, is very good indeed. Whatever it lacks, it is instantly gripping REAL MUSIC without pretension (okay there is pretension but not in terms of sheer melodic power). It is some of the best stuff I have heard for years and years. Invite all of you to listen to this band, starting from the release Of Solitude and Silence.

    1. Abduljenkem Whoongahessien says:

      Come visit me in Saudi Arabia! We can beat our wives while listening to Ildjarn!

    2. C.M. says:

      OSaS is excellent except for one song with a main riff that is too happy-go-lucky, borders on pop-punk. I should get their other two albums, thanks for reminding me.

      1. Poser Patrol says:

        Gray Euphoria. I agree, it’s basically indie metal. Other than that it is indeed a good album.

        1. C.M. says:

          Yes, that song always throws me for a loop each time I listen. It’s like getting it on with a supermodel and then finding out she has this huge lumpy splotchy birthmark across half her ass. Not exactly enough to turn me away but enough to mar the experience for sure.

    3. Johan P says:

      YES. One of the few bands out there today who still carries the black flame.

  13. FearMonarch says:

    This is a parody article right? Please tell me it is and someone on this earth isn’t this mentally dysfunctional.

  14. Deport All Hipsters says:

    I love all the butthurt in the comments. Please keep posting more SMRs.

  15. Depraved says:

    Were these reviews written by Bill Z Bub? Probably just a fan of Grimoire of Exalted Deeds.

    1. The staff wrote these reviews.

    2. Enlightenment through sodomy says:

      Some of the drunk bastards stuff is golden… like piss.

  16. AK-47 says:

    I have to say those girls in The Oath are two saucy wenches. I like Mythic too but they were more on the cute side.

  17. BABYMETAL no. 1 fan says:

    Holy shit the underground mehtal community is fuckng childish. This article proves it. It is kind of like “professional” wrestling, but without the entertainment.

  18. BassFace says:

    Wow dude. You just managed in one page to straddle that netherworld between misogynistic moron, and closet homophobic freak-show! Well done!

    This almost made me ashamed to be a man, and a metal musician.
    I need a blood-sacrifice to the old Gods set things right.
    What’s your name again “staff”?

Comments are closed.