Sadistic Metal Reviews: Zyklon B For Bandcamp

Hipster and poseur blood must be shed!

Walpyrgus – Walpyrgus Nights (2017)
Power metal influenced carnival metalcore that ends up sounding like Christian rock. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Cavernlight – As We Cup Our Hands and Drink from the Stream of Our Ache (2017)
Stoner rock idiocy for hipsters who want to spend the entirely of a show with their hands in their pants scratching jock itch they got from group sex with crusts. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Father Befouled – Desolate Gods (2017)
Father Befouled jam Incantation licks together into riff salads. Exhumed : Carcass :: Father Befouled : Incantation. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Khemmis / Spirit Adrift – Fraught with Peril
Stoner rock idiocy for overweight pushing forty men in cutoff crop top jam band shirts. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Mutoid Man – War Moans (2017)
Acid rock at Motorhead pace for Foo Fighters fans. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Necrot – Blood Offerings (2017)
Autopsy if Autopsy played bouncy deathcore for brain damaged tards with neck tattoos. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Impetuous Ritual – Blight Upon Martyred Sentience (2017)
Post-hardcore noise drone pretending to be “blackened death metal” as it has some bouncy shit in it. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Green Druid – Ashen Blood (2017)
Stoner rock for stoned retards. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Wrest – Bastards Born (2017)
Boring, fuzzed out stoner rock idiocy for fat bald guys with beards covering their multiple chins. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Jute Gyte – Oviri (2017)
Post-hardcore math rock posing black metal for low IQ artfats. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Boris – Death (2017)
Stoner ambient drone indie rock for henpecked hipsters who hyphenate their own surname with their wife’s maiden name. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Sempiternal Dusk / Encoffination – A Monument to the Abyss of Death (2017)
Stoner doom meets war “metal” posing as death metal. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Impalers – Cellar Dweller (2017)
Bouncy scenester hardcore posing as grindcore. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Palmistry – Demo (2017)
Booring scenester, female fronted Candlemass worship for fat asses with facial piercings. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

One Master – Lycanthropic Burrowing (2017)
Wallpaper indie drone with occasional bouncy speed metal style riffs that are static like a rock song posing as black metal for noise rock retards who want to pretend to like black metal. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Heresiarch – Death Ordinance (2017)
Crossover thrash meets grindcore but too often reverts to stoner doom shenanigans meaning that neanderthal metalheads will be bored and can’t even mosh to this idiocy all the way through. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Tchornobog – Tchornobog (2017)
Random jazz fusion mathcore with a metal production is not metal; it is still jazzy mathcore with superficial metal aesthetics. Thus metalcore. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Incantation – Profane Nexus (2017)
Incantation regress to playing speed metal, sometimes at a stoner doom pace like an even more boring version of Cannibal Corpse. The gig’s been up for almost twenty years now guys; Diabolical Conquest came out in 1998. Have you inhaled too much carbon monoxide too? If you have, perhaps some more is needed to finish the band off for good.

Pyrrhon – What Passes for Survival (2017)
Mathcore with rapping schizophrenic homeless man vocals. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Couch Slut – Contempt (2017)
Slowed down riot girl punk is not doom metal you fat poseurs. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Attic – Sanctimonious (2017)
King Diamond if made random with generic speed metal riffs that sound like they were haphazardly cobbled together from Metallica and Megadeth licks along with a few noodly death/black metal tremolo picked riffs of the type employed on nu Incantation albums. Frequently hilarious modulations and a whiny falsetto that sounds like it was done by inhaling helium make this record comically awful. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Converge – I Can Tell You About Pain (2017)
Noisy metalcore for idiots. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Death Yell – Descent Into Hell (2017)
Wallpaper beer metal aping phrases from Slayer, Sepultura, Morbid Angel, you name it. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Khazaddum – Plagues Upon Arda (2017)
Do not let the cover fool you, Khazaddum are nothing like Blind Guardian or Summoning. Rather they’re brutal Unique Leader Records style death metal dumbed down into hardcore chug rock, also known as deathcore. Add in the random atmospherics of later Behemoth and you have party music for middle schoolers’ girl-free get togethers. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

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56 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Zyklon B For Bandcamp”

  1. GGALLIN1776 says:

    Summon forth some order from chaos & alphabetize shit.

    Or park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning whilst being raped by a Tchornobog Technoborg.

    1. Gorgowocoa says:

      Yeah I got tchernobog all through my draws after not making it to the mens room in time

      1. Gorgowocoa says:

        Yay, the fucken tchernobog dried up

  2. neutronhammer says:

    Yay, i’d been waiting for this all month.

  3. War Metal Sodomite (Prestige 1 Tranny Fucker) says:

    All this music is bisexual. I will rape it.

  4. Rainer Weikusat says:

    I feel like adding one here. It’s about Aklash, a so-called »black metal« I had the mispleasure to see on Saturday (for short periods of “Is this over yet? Or did it get any better? … Hmpf … another pint, perhaps?”). The singer first caught my attention as “tall guy wearing a white Burzum shirt” hanging out in the merchandise area. Blasphemer opened. That’s a good (IMHO) UK death metal band, the music being centered around fast-played phrasal riffs with a heavy undercurrent of speed metal.

    Mr Burzmum caught my attention there a second time, because, apparently pissed off with people head-banging in the front row of an ‘unknown’ band (me), he did a lone “fake moshpit outburst” by suddenly running to the front, simulating some headbanging and erratically jumped around in a curve. Someone please tell this to Varg Vikernes for a laugh. He then dropped back into the second row doing the “mock-headbanging and shaking his fists” thing somewhat more until this apparently became too much of a botheration and he again vanished in the back of the room.

    I saw little of the actual set because the music was just too terrible, being neither black nor metal, more “New Model Army”-style “atmospheric independent” with lots of “beautiful deep whining” parts. They play very simplistic, dissonant, droning riffs which usually form the backdrop for all kinds of gimmicky rock music parts, like ‘beautiful’ guitar solos or clear singing with lots of reverb. The way the two guitar voices interact reminds me of (seriously lame) hard rock. Occasionally, the frontman would pick up a violin and fiddle away like an animated ‘lobotomized gipsy jazzer’ wax dummy for no apparent reason. The set concluded with a thank you to the motionless audience for playing their part in the entirely self-indulgent (quote) performance.

    In case someone now feels that he really wants this, an example of most of this (minus the fiddling) would be

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19lw_j5eVdU

    1. Svmmoned says:

      Hey Rainer, maybe go to show with more notable bands to which we could relate somehow and then write down the impressions. It may be actually interesting.

      1. S.B. says:

        It’d be more interesting if Crynier parked his car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until he died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

      2. Rainer Weikusat says:

        I thought the Burzmosher was quite notable, both because it is well-known that Vikernes regards people behaving in this way as imbeciles and because he was a real-world datapoint for the “people wear Burzum shirts because that’s edgy“-theory.

        I also think Blasphemer is a noteworthy band,

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVSSdKHAyN8

        album version

        https://blasphemeruk666.bandcamp.com/track/sutcliffe

        But – obviously – everyone will ‘disagree’ with that (or rather “Somebody made a non-sanctioned statement! Attack dogs attack!!”).

    2. Hella interesting says:

      Cool story, man!

  5. neutronhammer says:

    I listened to a random Khazaddum track, it’s awful as expected, but calling it Deahthcore is a bit of a stretch.

  6. canadaspaceman says:

    I forgot about Death Yell, so will check it out. It might be good, and maybe today you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and then the cat pooped in your cornflakes?

  7. Seth says:

    I’m sure Meyhnach’s new solo project will make it here upon release as well.

  8. Gorgowocoa says:

    Daniel what the hell is this shit? post more news about BLASPHEMY or something so we can verbally abuse dissenters

  9. Flying Kites says:

    Almonds are a great source of protein, vit E, and omega 9 fatty acids.

    1. Exfoliation says:

      I ate too many one time and went to the hospital because I thought I was going to die, careful with those things.

      1. Flying Kites says:

        I hadn’t known about almonds out of Asia or the Middle East containing cyanide. It’s a difference in the trees if the fruit is poisonous or not. I have eaten many old and moldy almonds though. The flavor is exquisite and as with most molds, spreads a warmth or tickling through your nasals and tongue. Some oils have a finely distinguished taste when rancid.

  10. Spergzak says:

    This site needs anti-irish artcles from Amerika.org

  11. Karen Jones says:

    Would you guys consider these bands as thrash ? Thrash in the use of the Anus.com not thrash metal.

    Dr Know – Plug In Jesus & Burn EP
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xun9nknZGXw

    Morsüre – Acceleration Process
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYO7tJc7Ic8

  12. so soon says:

    Holy fuck. Yet there it is. Exactly what I don’t while trippinggg.. the dreaded cockroach

    1. I don’t see it. am I autistic?

      1. Trump's Necktie says:

        I don’t either, but yes we’re probably still autistic

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          Nope.

          You’re heavily into socialising.

  13. so soon says:

    pleeeese get that fucking thing away from me

  14. The cover artworks should be posted next time.

    1. They don’t deserve the hosting cost.

  15. neutronhammer says:

    Please consider making the SMRs a bimonthly affair.

    1. Attention Defecate Disorder says:

      It’s already SMR all the time as it is.

  16. Dr. David Szisz says:

    Dear Diary, today I put labels on things and told the people who like those things to kill themselves, I feel great!

  17. Leinard Taraam says:

    Hipster and poseur blood must be shed!

  18. Morbideathscream says:

    Death Yell’s Vengeance From Darkness demo from ’89 is decent south american black death. Yeah, not quite as good as Sarcofago or their fellow countrymen Pentagram. Their new album, Descent Into Hell, does not interest me as I don’t care for watered down releases from bands that peaked over 25 years ago.

    So hipsters having a case of jock itch after group sex with crusters hahahaha. Something tells me that wouldn’t be jock itch. More than likely it would be an eternal gift of sorts.

    1. You’ve been wearing your gayass cowboy hat too tight. Pentagram is from Chile.

      1. Morbideathscream says:

        Nah, don’t wear gayass cowboy hats at all. Yes, I know Pentagram is from Chile. When I said “theit fellow countrymen” I meant Death Yell’s countrymen because Death Yell is also from Chile. I mentioned south american black death and Sarcofago was the most obvious example to use as a comparison.

  19. Angry Self-Fisting Bulldyke says:

    What the fuck is with that almonds picture

    1. so much for that says:

      Assuming it’s some in-house spergcopter thing: “hurr almonds are sub 120 as shit dude, they’re like sooo also-ran du duuhr…”

      1. bustin makes me feel good says:

        yeah that’s it

    2. neutronhammer says:

      Bitter Almonds contain Cyanide, eat enough of them and you could possibly die.

  20. Imposition says:

    This shit sucks, but not a any more than this site’s yearly best of lists to be honest. Music in general has sucked dick since 1993 and 1993 sucked dick so hard since 1979. Fuckin stoked to be seeing Foo Fighters with special guests Weezer though

      1. Gorgowocoa says:

        umm, well, hell yeaah brother. Shemales, transvestites, transgender, brake-fluid whatever the fuck they are all deserve the venerable war-monger cock. we fuck with armour, bulletbelts, chainmail. we fuck in the back of filthy truck-stops or decommissioned flats. we fuck while intoxicated, we fuck with black witchery and archgoat blaring in the background. we fuck real anuses and artificial pussies, we fuck on the tip of the 3 ” bullcock, all 275 lbs of thrust on tap, we send that shit back to the surgeon in beverly hills, “we send you back for repair, cunt!”, we fight anyone that dis blasphemy, we hellbound as fuck yet we don’t give a fuck

    1. Imposition says:

      I actually agree with you (me?). ESPECIALLY ON THE FOO FIGHTERS. Dave Grohl was especially amazing in soundgarden.

      1. Imposition says:

        Soundgarden eh? I’ll check em out

        1. Howard Stern says:

          Soundgarden will perform Octopus’ Garden on Marvin Gardens and then they go directly to jail for crimes against metal.

  21. Falsehammer says:

    Let’s all just cut our cocks off and move to California

    1. Gods of War + Shemales says:

      What are ya, some kind of fag!? We need to put our BALLS, our VIRILITY and yes, our COCKS into the orifices of decay. If this means each other, we’ll see who the bottom will be.

  22. Gods of War + Shemales says:

    Hot transsexual war metal sex. Preach the gospel warrior!

  23. Goat Egg says:

    Apparently homeboy in the picture survived, no shit

    1. Flying Kites says:

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
      Thanks for the laugh.

  24. Captain Picard says:

    So when are you guys making Gayniggers from outerspace “The Return” – featuring guest star Captain KIRK JOHNSON?

  25. Leinard Taraam says:

    YOU RETARDS THE BORIS ALBUM IS NOT CALLED DEATH

    1. We don’t give a shit. Fuck off and die.

      1. Leinard Taraam says:

        YOU fuck off an die!!

        We can both play this gammmmeeeeeee

    2. Ivan whobichakukov says:

      Boris is in gulag

  26. War Metal Rapist says:

    I straight up love rape. It’s the only true form of war metal sexuality. Nothing too perverse or fetishized about it, and no gay shit, just pure old school hetero shit. That crazy war-torn shit that starts and finishes empires. That primal desire, that frantic process, that energy, that sound of whimpers and cotton tearing. By George, do I ever love it.

  27. Howard Stern says:

    combine an anus with a dick ? that is Andy Dick, that jew hating son of a bitch

  28. matters says:

    Holy shit! Is the guy in the last photo dead??

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