Tesla Chairman Elon Musk Launches New AI-Designed Fragrance

Boring company founder and creator of Tesla, Paypal, and other legendary brands, Elon Musk lacks inexperience with controversy. His latest venture, a personal fragrance designed to trigger human attraction, may take him even further into the edgy wilds of products that the mainstream audience might not quite be ready to accept.

Named “musq,” the new fragrance came out of the work of a “super-AI” stationed just outside the Boring Company headquarters in Los Angeles. According to a musq press release (the name of the company designed to sell the fragrance is the same as the fragrance itself, a single word) the AI “churned through seventy billion trillion thousand billion combinations” in order to calculate the perfect tingle in human olfactory cells.

But how well does it work? We took to the streets of Musk’s adopted hometown, Los Angeles — he was born in South Africa — to ask ordinary people what they thought of a squirt of musq.

“It smells sort of nice, but I guess only a thot would say otherwise,” said Monica Marks, who we caught coming out of the exclusive and coveted Marmot Aurora boutique. “Then again, I guess a thot would automatically pretend not to know, so I guess I’ll just say, it smells sort of nice, kind of… well…” she trailed off and fled.

This seemed odd, so DMN reporters next went to our go-to for all matters culture, designer Honoré Esperance. “Well,” he said, setting aside the spectral palette of silk scarves he had been arranging, “you have to realize, most of these are designed to bring out the animal essence in man, and we don’t want to say that, but there it is! It smells… uh… oh, goodness gracious, I don’t want to be the first to say it!”

As often happens in our oblivious society, we finally achieved clarity when we took a break for drinks and snacks at the San Dimas 7-11. Murph Montague, a homeless man who lives in the area, cadged four bucks in change off of us for his ongoing college education, then gave the bottle a sniff.

“Y’all just afraid to say it,” he said laughing. “[Expletive deleted] smells musky. Just like someone squeezed a mink or an ox or something. Going telegraph to them bitches that you ready to get your rut on. Just like those nature programs they made us watch in school… this [expletive deleted] says ‘get ready for mountin’ to even your fancy-ass high-roller [expletive deleted] who think her [expletive deleted] don’t stink, just like saying [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] dog [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] magnetism [expletive deleted].”

According to the company, musq will initially sell in four product offerings: a 0.5 ounce bottle for men, a 0.5 ounce bottle for women, a 0.5 ounce bottle for intersex people, and a 1.7 ounce bottle for men which will only be sold via mail order. The packaging will feature the slogan, “musq: come out of the basement, into the limelight.”

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7 thoughts on “Tesla Chairman Elon Musk Launches New AI-Designed Fragrance”

  1. a says:

    Fuck this site. Somebody make a hostile takeover of it. Seriously, what the fuck do these shitty Hard Times articles have to do with anything? Anything?

    1. Robert says:

      DMU is aspiring to become the new Onion.

      1. tumadre says:

        This site is about Metal and everything related to it, that includes mocking modern society. Get it or go cry somewhere else.

  2. Frozenlake says:

    This site is simply trying to keep up with the times, producing lame parodies. Bring back Nick and his articles on classical music composers that no one cared about. But me. At least there was a point, even if it was lost on most.

    1. purpybud says:

      nick probably just has better shit to do now

  3. Frog says:

    Read Suskind’s Das Perfum.

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