Sadistic Metal Reviews- Mendacious Stork Edition (End of 2015 Series)

loosestool

One list of albums dictated by the masses of sheeple apparently does not provide enough self-indulgence and emotional masturbation for the hordes of mental weaklings that yearn to be called metalheads in order to disguise their lack of direction or ideals. Hence, here we are, clubbing away at one of these sorry piles of shit for the amusement of hessians. However, we also hope that the attentive unawakened reader may start to see a glimpse of the truth through outright disrespect for the inherently contemptible. (We have skipped some items in the original list as to not incur in much unnecessary repetition of releases, thus the odd numbering of the items herein.)

swallow the sun

2. Swallow the Sun – Songs From The North I, II & III

The term “doom metal” is again used to justify slow-coming boredom and lack of originality. Swallow the Sun compile alternative metal slow and simple grooves with the alternation of growls and the clear vocals typical of post-cuckolded Amorphis Scandinavian gay ‘hard’ (ha!) rock. There is an obvious pseudo-progressive intent here as discreet radio moments pass us by in a series of haphazardly-stitched, disingenuous grimaces. Radio emotional pandering for the pretentious.

606_Draconian_CMYK

3. Draconian – Sovran

Apparently radio gay doom is popular at MS’ website. Only here we have a much more straightforward, perhaps more honest, attempt at the same run-of-the-mill pop rock opera. Draconian switches between male and female vocals, with duet episodes, themselves interrupted by long harmonized guitar lines reminiscent, at least superficially, of Funeral’s early work. However, Tragedies did not fall into popisms and rather took a more traditional popular music approach to vocals and applied it to a quasi classical level which may make one think of European early music. Draconian, on the other hand, stink of Barbie sex.

Shape-of-Despair_Monotony-Fields

4. Shape of Despair – Monotony Fields

Mediocre and dull ‘doom metal’ seems to be extremely popular. It may be that since the average music listener is a terrible one, and that they seek these sounds as stimulus for a purely sensual experience and so can only identify with very simple-minded works, however contorted their outward forms may be. Shape of Despair provide the pop listener with the ‘doom metal’ experience in the same way that Cannibal Corpse provides him the ‘death metal’ experience. Of course, this is the sort of listener that “listens to all kinds of music”. All is imbecility.

galneryus

5. Galneryus – Under the Force of Courage

One day little guitar Syu wanted to find a place for his neoclassical wanking and so created the power metal band Galneryus. Galneryus released a couple of comically-endearing and childish albums until the inevitable sellout moment came. After trying their hand at pandering to a more mainstream audience and wisely switching to writing lyrics in Japanese (realizing, perhaps that their main market was inside Japan after all, and that foreign fans would always be attracted to the sound of a strange and unique language), the band took a wide turn back to a firmly European style inspired on the likes of Manowar-inspired streamlined power metal with augmented structures that balance a manner of unpredictability without ever feeling unsafe and, of course, always remaining singable. Clever and winky, empty as fanservice-crammed anime.

8. Leprous – The Congregation

Groovy, syncopated, modulations disguising poorly-presented repetition, weird clean vocals, just enough electronic noodling and laid-back but ‘cool’ drums. This is the recipe par excellence for the multiculturalist wet dream presenting all forms and nothing but insecurity and hollowness at its center. Here is where the worst overproduced radio pop is peppered with jazz fusion gimmicks. Metal? Music or public obscenity?

moonspell extinct

9. Moonspell – Extinct

A horrible blend of modern industrial tropes and a sissy euro-rock basis, accompanied vocals angsty enough to seem edgy but just safe enough as to not scare away the wimps who listen to this garbage. The high school poser solos do not really redeam this first-world, spoiled-kid, macho pretension.

Enshine_Singularity

14. Enshine – Singularity

Basically, the sonic representation of the sparkly, clean-shaven assholes of fans of these music ready to be sodomized by real metal music. Lacking in all natural self-assertion or distinct personality, this is music for the bottom who craves to be dominated. In other words, music for social justice warriors.

anthropocene extinction

15. Cattle Decapitation – The Anthropocene Extinction

This is as ridiculous as pseudo-progressive core pandering can get. What is worse, this band is playing a dangerous game in which they may lose all of their audiences, or perhaps score with New York hipsters. Crammed in under two minutes you may find explicit deathcore and alternative rock passages, power metal leads, nu-black metal runs lead by duets of inhaled low growls and Chester Bennington’s evil twin brother’s whining, without excluding the use of high squeals. Basically, a puddle of diarrhea that clearly gives away the cause of ailment. Unbearably disquieting in its stupidity.

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10 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews- Mendacious Stork Edition (End of 2015 Series)”

  1. vOddy says:

    “Basically, the sonic representation of the sparkly, clean-shaven assholes of fans of these music ready to be sodomized by real metal music. Lacking in all natural self-assertion or distinct personality, this is music for the bottom who craves to be dominated. In other words, music for social justice warriors.”

    Would real metal fuck this, though?

    I know that almost every one has a sex drive, but I don’t like the idea of fucking unworthy people. They don’t deserve the pleasure. They don’t even deserve to give me pleasure.
    I don’t look down on respectable people who fuck unrespectable ones because they are horny. I understand that behaviour, and I have considered doing it myself when offered the sex. But I don’t do it with people who I don’t respect. Well, I don’t have to deeply respect the woman, but I at least have some standards.
    This music seems to be way below those standards.

    If Darkthrone was a woman, then even if she wasn’t physically attractive, I’d fuck her if she wanted me to. She deserves it.
    If Metallica was a woman, I’d fuck her. Some decent albums and a lot of garbage, but it’s not all bad.
    If In Flames was a woman, I’d be on the fence. Penis says yes, mind says no. If she wouldn’t look good then it would be out of the question, because her nature is iffy. Even at her best she’s not all that good, although she has her moments of not being utterly repulsive.
    If Blackveil Brides was a woman, then I’d tell her to piss off.

    1. I blew my head off like Per Ohlin says:

      What would be the wife?
      I was thinking Demilich.

      1. vOddy says:

        There are many candidates.
        Probably all taken.

  2. OliveFox says:

    I would be sad if people stopped making stupid Power Metal.

  3. SomberSun says:

    Doom Metal bands all seem to try and sound like My Dying Bride for some reason. I don’t dislike MDB, but they’re not good enough to be emulated, and there’s nothing you could really take from them and build upon.

    Aside from Cathedral and Ras Algethi, there aren’t any bands that could be described as Doom Metal that have created anything of great value.

    If not for DMU i’d never have heard of Ras Algethi, either. So thanks.

    1. SomberSun says:

      Oh, and Candlemass of course.

      1. Robert says:

        Skepticism. You forgot them.

  4. Terry Gordy says:

    The Moonspell cover is absolutely hideous, shame on them.

    1. LostInTheANUS says:

      They used that style of cover for years now, it reminds me of the shitty covers Septicflesh used ever since that pile of shit that was Revolution DNA, they even changed the covers on rereleases of their old albums back when they were known as Septic Flesh to this nu-industrial looking garbage. Don’t know what the fuck got into Spiros, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was behind this.

  5. Terry Gordy says:

    Esoptron was a fantastic atmospheric heavy metal album, even with the mongoloid drum machine.

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