Hasbeens Playing Decibel Magazine Festival

A trio of hasbeen sellouts (Carcass, At the Gates, Mayhem) are headlining the annual beer and metal festival put on by shill metalcore SJW magazine Decibel.

Also playing are grindcore creators Repulsion, glam rockers Sumerlands, hipster whiners Pallbearer, and a bunch of other bands nobody gives as a damn about as they suck. Hessians should stay away; the only band almost guaranteed to put on a good set is Repulsion. Albert Mudrian should shake a bottle of IPA like the phallic infomercial dumbell termed the Shake Weight before cracking it open with his sphincter. What results will make it so the poseurs and buttmunchers who lick him out will get their dose of e. coli bacteria through slurping chilled, grapefruit-tinged sugar water. Hopefully they will all die of dysentery like your party in the Oregon Trail role playing game on the Apple ][ computer.

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24 thoughts on “Hasbeens Playing Decibel Magazine Festival”

  1. thewaters says:

    This site has really sucked for the last month (in particular).

      1. thewaters says:

        Do you need a news aggregator? I would willingly help find relevant metal news, and throw it your way so you can post it.

        1. Sure. Email me at editor at deathmetal.org. The pickings have been slim over the past few weeks while the writers (including myself) are busy working on longer articles.

        2. Satans Spys says:

          Kev, why don’t you write some articles for these fucking teenage hacks and show them how metal exegesis is done.

  2. Johnny cab says:

    I wonder what outhouse they found Monster Magnet living in.

  3. Marc Defranco says:

    This band is playing, if you don’t mind what do you think of them?

    1. Psychic Psych Toad says:

      Spectral Voice sounds like sloppy nursery rhyme lullaby ditties coupled with a raging homo-erotic desire to sound like Onwards to Golgotha. 11/10!!!

    2. pussy is out, butt stuff is in says:

      maybe its my jadedness combined with aversion to new things, but it seems like OLD SKOOL DETH METUHL revival bands cannot come up with interesting tonal combinations to save their life, like theyre afraid of losing their cred if they incorporate a riff that evokes anything outside of “hey this sounds like an OSDM riff”

    3. Trashchunk says:

      Dark Descent knows how to hype the fuck out of and sell a shitload of pre-orders for bands that all sound relatively the same in the OSDM dept but nobody has heard until they announce their release. I am guessing for a death metal band getting on this label is like winning $10,000 on a scratch off ticket as you suddenly have a small fanbase in the collector community almost overnight and can suddenly get on good shows. It is odd I don’t really like any of the newer bands, I went through a phase of buying all the new releases and I ended up never listening to them or being able to get through an entire album as a lot of is boring. It’s even more odd that the bits and pieces of oldschool death metal that make up the standard DD band represent everything I love about the genre but it doesn’t work for me and is instead actively pissing me off everything I hear it. It sounds like a check list of tropes, things that SHOULDN’T be tropes, sliced into pieces and sewn together haphazardly representing an abomination with no soul.

      1. Dark Descent still hasn’t released a good full album by a new band yet. Best Dark Descent reviews:

        1. Ripper’s last album came out on Unspeakable Axe and their first record was on a Chilean label. Imprecation have been around since the early 90s.

    4. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Reminds me of last year’s the Krypts album (I haven’t listened to for a long time and don’t really miss) except that the cooler bits are missing. The main problem is that this is all much to laid-back, it’s all a background to foreground which isn’t there. Stoner stuff designed to make people fall asleep (or don’t disturb them while falling asleep). There’s nothing in there a mind could get a grip on, just an aimlessly seeming sucession of inoffensive bits (inoffensive to people accustomed to them).

    5. Marc Defranco says:

      Well since there’s a lot of replies I’ll just reply to myself to cover everyone. Yeah this band is too wishy washy for me along with almost all DD bands. Throw a bit of this influence here, snag a couple riff and combine them there and so on. Nothing very original, only related DD band I like is Phrenelith. Rest seem to just want to mash together all of their favorite bands which many classics did but instead of adding their own touch many DD bands just try to mash more together to try to sound unique. That’s why I still give some bands like Antediluvian credit although I think writers don’t like them. I think they can write a song and at least push for aggression and some originality

  4. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    Finally some TRUE KVLT video games are mentioned around here! They could at least die while hunting via some wild animal attack or an accidental self inflicted gunshot wound.

  5. Leinard Taraam says:

    You are promoting a “metal and beer” fest? How ironic. You suck. Next time promote some anal sex or something less gay.

    On another note, new Morbid Angel:


    First Impression: very underwhelming.

    1. pussy is out, butt stuff is in says:

      after a perfunctory first listen: 2 Covenant riffs with Domination chugcore in between. Gay

  6. David Vincent's furry boots says:

    What to expect:

    At The Gates – 1 old song then Lamb of God/Hypocrisy songs
    Carcass – impeccably played Megadeth ripoff songs, sloppily played old songs that they cut short at a certain point
    Mayhem – crap no one likes (that all sounds the same), playing a few old songs made by a dead guy
    Repulsion – songs played with zero enthusiasm

    Everything else is terrible.

  7. I'm black says:

    All Hell and Full of Hell should surely crack beers in rectums and slurp dry the brown bloody discharge in circle jerk fashion.

  8. Killer Alien Vagina says:

    Another pointless post from Mallrat.

  9. fat chick says:

    But why?

  10. Imposition says:

    This shit is so weak, save your money and just go to creamfields instead. Unless of course you’re an awkward, socially-inept faggot that only listens to metal. P.S. sorry, didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. P.S.S yeah right, I seriously didn’t, fucking loser!

  11. Trashchunk says:

    The fifth time over the “resurrection” of a “never dying past” emerges for a new generation of gullible cocksuckers some carny shitfucks can sell tickets to. “I had a close encounter oldschool experience”

  12. Morbideathscream says:

    Dream Death is killer old school death/doom. Their album “Journey Into Mystery” was released in ’87 so, it is actually old school. That would be the band to see, but yeah this fest is mostly shit.

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