Hipster and poseur blood must be shed!

Walpyrgus – Walpyrgus Nights (2017)
Power metal influenced carnival metalcore that ends up sounding like Christian rock. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Cavernlight – As We Cup Our Hands and Drink from the Stream of Our Ache (2017)
Stoner rock idiocy for hipsters who want to spend the entirely of a show with their hands in their pants scratching jock itch they got from group sex with crusts. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Father Befouled – Desolate Gods (2017)
Father Befouled jam Incantation licks together into riff salads. Exhumed : Carcass :: Father Befouled : Incantation. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Khemmis / Spirit Adrift – Fraught with Peril
Stoner rock idiocy for overweight pushing forty men in cutoff crop top jam band shirts. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Mutoid Man – War Moans (2017)
Acid rock at Motorhead pace for Foo Fighters fans. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Necrot – Blood Offerings (2017)
Autopsy if Autopsy played bouncy deathcore for brain damaged tards with neck tattoos. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Impetuous Ritual – Blight Upon Martyred Sentience (2017)
Post-hardcore noise drone pretending to be “blackened death metal” as it has some bouncy shit in it. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Green Druid – Ashen Blood (2017)
Stoner rock for stoned retards. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Wrest – Bastards Born (2017)
Boring, fuzzed out stoner rock idiocy for fat bald guys with beards covering their multiple chins. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Jute Gyte – Oviri (2017)
Post-hardcore math rock posing black metal for low IQ artfats. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Boris – Death (2017)
Stoner ambient drone indie rock for henpecked hipsters who hyphenate their own surname with their wife’s maiden name. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Sempiternal Dusk / Encoffination – A Monument to the Abyss of Death (2017)
Stoner doom meets war “metal” posing as death metal. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Impalers – Cellar Dweller (2017)
Bouncy scenester hardcore posing as grindcore. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Palmistry – Demo (2017)
Booring scenester, female fronted Candlemass worship for fat asses with facial piercings. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

One Master – Lycanthropic Burrowing (2017)
Wallpaper indie drone with occasional bouncy speed metal style riffs that are static like a rock song posing as black metal for noise rock retards who want to pretend to like black metal. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Heresiarch – Death Ordinance (2017)
Crossover thrash meets grindcore but too often reverts to stoner doom shenanigans meaning that neanderthal metalheads will be bored and can’t even mosh to this idiocy all the way through. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Tchornobog – Tchornobog (2017)
Random jazz fusion mathcore with a metal production is not metal; it is still jazzy mathcore with superficial metal aesthetics. Thus metalcore. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Incantation – Profane Nexus (2017)
Incantation regress to playing speed metal, sometimes at a stoner doom pace like an even more boring version of Cannibal Corpse. The gig’s been up for almost twenty years now guys; Diabolical Conquest came out in 1998. Have you inhaled too much carbon monoxide too? If you have, perhaps some more is needed to finish the band off for good.

Pyrrhon – What Passes for Survival (2017)
Mathcore with rapping schizophrenic homeless man vocals. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Couch Slut – Contempt (2017)
Slowed down riot girl punk is not doom metal you fat poseurs. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Attic – Sanctimonious (2017)
King Diamond if made random with generic speed metal riffs that sound like they were haphazardly cobbled together from Metallica and Megadeth licks along with a few noodly death/black metal tremolo picked riffs of the type employed on nu Incantation albums. Frequently hilarious modulations and a whiny falsetto that sounds like it was done by inhaling helium make this record comically awful. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Converge – I Can Tell You About Pain (2017)
Noisy metalcore for idiots. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Death Yell – Descent Into Hell (2017)
Wallpaper beer metal aping phrases from Slayer, Sepultura, Morbid Angel, you name it. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Khazaddum – Plagues Upon Arda (2017)
Do not let the cover fool you, Khazaddum are nothing like Blind Guardian or Summoning. Rather they’re brutal Unique Leader Records style death metal dumbed down into hardcore chug rock, also known as deathcore. Add in the random atmospherics of later Behemoth and you have party music for middle schoolers’ girl-free get togethers. Park your car in the garage, shut the garage door with the buzzer, and rev the engine until you die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Tags: 2017, attic, bandcamp, black 'n roll, boris, cavernlight, converge, couch slut, crypto-indie, death 'n' roll, death yell, deathcore, encoffination, Father Befouled, green druid, heresiarch, hipster bullshit, impalers, impetuous ritual, incantation, jute gyte, khazaddum, khemmis, mathcore, metalcore, mutoid man, necrot, one master, palmistry, posers, poseurs, pyrrhon, sadistic metal reviews, scenesters, sempiternal dusk, spirit adrift, stoner rock, tchornobog, walpyrgus, wrest