Atmospheric Dendrophilia

Recently, I found a Youtube channel called “Atmospheric Black Metal Albums” devoted to what hipster urban lumberjacks have termed “atmospheric black metal”. We must call attention to the horrible Youtube, supposedly “black metal” sub-genre festering right under our noses for it is wholly different from the Eastern European flowing varietal.

“Atmospheric” translates to “just plain boring” for none of these releases are actually black metal. I of course don’t have time to listen to the wailing, droning unemphatic musical stylings of frustrated bugmen. I so must listen to this crap on 2x speed on Youtube. Sometimes I felt like I needed to download them with a script so I could speed it up 4x in a DAW just to process it. That though would be way too much effort for such turds. Let’s kill them all right here, right now.

Going through these releases, everything is boring, post-hardcore “black metal” soft-core porn pretending to be the real thing for poseurs and pussies. This one for example is so terrible, it makes early Ulver seem like it might have actually have been decent (it wasn’t):

You really hear it in this music too. This was made by guys who do not get metal:

Whoever made this probably does not listen to metal at all outside of Burzum just like the people who made Until the Light Takes Us: no Metallica, no Maiden, no Morbid Angel. They probably listen to whiny 80s and 90s music like The Smiths, Bob Mould’s Sugar, and Mission of Burma. What results is drone more fit for Burning Man tree fucking ceremonies than burning down churches.

All of this stuff is godawful and deliberately rips off stuff like Burzum and Summoning for ideas. These poseurs rehash their licks into hooks in something that is almost like kraut rock or house music if made by screamo fans for crying over how their Grindr dates didn’t love their flannel and work boots. Everything sounds as if some IPA drinker with a ridiculous haircut heard Sorcier des Glaces and wanted to turn it into Popol Vuh if Popol Vuh had merely wanted to imitate someone instead of evoke feelings of unease and dread in Werner Herzog movies. If the Aguirre soundtrack is more evil and aggressive than supposed “black metal”, then it sure as hell is not black metal:

Compared to Popol Vuh, this emotional hardcore is not atmospheric at all; it is diuretic. It makes me want to pee and poop uncontrollably all over whoever made it. Is this Creed?

This band even has a heartfelt violin. Violins in metal need to at least sound jagged as if a pack of gypsies are right about to throw a potato sack right over your head to sacrifice you in a black mass to revive Dracula in a Hammer Horror flick from the sixties. This sounds like some Celine Dion shit. Throw this entire catalog right in the trash along with whoever is shilling it. Melt down all the vinyl into shower curtains.

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36 thoughts on “Atmospheric Dendrophilia”

  1. Leinard Taraam says:

    Bravo! I wan’t to masturbate after reading this.

    1. Count Ringworm says:

      To Thai Ladyboys?

      Projecting much? Better believe it.

      1. With Poon We Cum says:

        Looks like we all are

  2. neutronhammer says:

    Yes! this subversion of Black Metal needs to be called out. Here is some extra fodder for you. I watch these clowns just to feel better about myself.

    https://www.youtube.com/user/wyattxhim/videos
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlEjgaezVrA

    1. These boys would get humped by shemales. No war metal in the diet.

      1. Right opinion on Myrkur. No tranny black metal.

    2. varg would be proud says:

      What subversion? This is how teenage Norwegian trust fundie black metal originators would look like if black metal were created in 2015 and not 1990 or whatever. Retards give more credit to their shit that it really deserves.

      1. bustin makes me feel good says:

        you’re an idiot

  3. Nom de plume says:

    What is good in life?

    1. To throw on some Blasphemy rehearsals really loud while drinking beer and sodomizing shemales. War Metal Anal Attak!!!

      1. Traditionalist outcropping of war-metal sexuality says:

        Tell me about it. That feeling of knowing how sick me the crew are. The smiles on their faces when the trannies arrive and we’re all ushered into a room out the back. The sound of belts, gauntlets and flies being unzipped. The muddy, distorted energy of Live in Sao Paulo filling the room as the first tranny lifts it’s knee onto a bar stool and you just know you’re in heaven.

        1. Sarcofago goes well with tranny fucking. Brazilian Bestial War Metal Shemale Sodomizer Hailz!

    2. To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

      1. Marilyn Monroe says:

        That one’s gettin a little old ain’t it darl

  4. 1349 says:

    I wouldn’t suspect such crap exists if you didn’t cover it in your posts. Thank you DMU.

  5. neutronhammer says:

    Oh and the Clown running the channel will feature your ‘Black Metal’s band for 50$, fuck me.

    1. With Poon We Cum says:

      Popol who?

  6. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    Dendrophyllia is a wonderful non-photosynthetic stony coral species you uncultured sloths! They require regular feedings of zooplankton and rotifers with high calcium, alkalinity, and magnesium levels to maintain health and skeletal growth.

  7. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    I troll on their Youtube channel comments often!

    1. Mallrat's tiny penis says:

      That’s nothing.

      I’ve literally sodomised Coverkillernation’s discord chat with DMU rhetoric.

      1. With Poon We Cum says:

        He’s an interesting fellow for sure

  8. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    “Black Metal Promotions” on Youtube might even be worse!

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      That’s just a general dump of stuff which gets published as »black metal« most of which is – unsurprisingly – tripe (“Sturgeon’s law” isn’t exactly new). So-called »atmospheric black metal« is a particularly obnoxious infection which is a lot worse than even the general tripe.

  9. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    Sorry for all the posts here, my phone lost signal and I couldn’t tell if they were going through and I didn’t want to keep typing the same thing over and over. Just pick one of my posts at random please!

    1. Attention Defecate Disorder says:

      That doesn’t stop Maraat, so why should you worry about it?

  10. cookie cutters and porn addicts belong on a cross says:

    I love trolling hipster tranny trooper butt pirates like Wyattxhim and Count Blagorath all the time. They get triggered really hard when you make fun of them.

  11. The channel really is full of bad music, but there, of course, are a few exceptions. Here is a good one:

    Obsequiae – Aria of Vernal Tombs (Full Album)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaFIDnsWCQQ

    1. With Poon We Cum says:

      That one’s not quite there either

    2. Rainer Weikusat says:

      This is crud.

  12. With Poon We Cum says:

    Maarat are you pro or anti- tattooing?

    1. Phallus Majesticus says:

      Only cockrings are real!

  13. Seth says:

    I think fauxccult cheese posted by Odium Nostrum deserves an SMR just as much if not more so than ABM. Hundreds of bands using a cookie-cutter template based off Inferno (Pol), Silva Nigra, early Behemoth and the like with similarly tacky greek gnostic gimmicks, playing droning background riffs with “dissonant” acoustic leads to create sonic spaces which are confused in their direction and boring at best to wholly vacuous alternative rock snorefests at worst. Greg Biehl seems to be only person with enough compositional awareness to post BM that, even if not good, a fair number of the bands at least have a good idea or two that could eventually culminate in something unified and potent in the future.

    1. Hjggg says:

      Or you could actually listen to the music you enjoy and not try so desperately hard to fit in here.

      1. Seth says:

        Listening to the same albums, even if they’re excellent, gets old after a while. Not to mention finding something worthwhile after going through hundreds of awful albums is sort of its own reward. You could also try to develop some skills in qualitative assessment, learn to write, and perhaps contribute something that’s worthwhile instead leveling empty ad hominem criticisms at those who seek to do so.

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