/dmg/ DEATH METAL GENERAL: RETIREMENT PLAGUE EDITION

Satyricon were always a band to live in the shadow of better bands and thus it is only fitting for their farewell U.S. tour to suffer the same fate.  The band announced their last trip to the United States just hours before Slayer’s shocking announcement that they will soon cease to exist. Understandably, this caused the Satyricon “news” to be buried deep under a pile of apathy. Feels bad, man.

RETIREMENT EXTRAVAGANZA

>>Hopefully Satyricon will break up in the very near future as their only legacy is being black metal’s first one hit wonder who lucked out on a high budget music video just as MTV peaked

>>Satyr’s marketing adventures with label manager and System of a Down guitarist Daron Malakian have grown increasingly ineffective as he recently tried to capture some of the sympathy the metal community had for Behemoth frontman Nergal by acquiring leukemia

>>MFW Meme-Frost becomes more well known than Satyricon the band

 

CUCKED KERRY KING TO CONTINUE RUINING LEGACY

>>Hillary shill and mediocre guitar player of terminally ill Slayer Kerry King says he will continue making music after Slayer ends

>>This is great news because King will imminently be exposed as a shit-tier guitarist who rode the coattails of better guitar players Jeff Hanneman and Gary Holt and the world will learn that he could have been replaced at any time by any lead guitarist in the Bay Area thrash metal scene without Slayer’s sound being negatively affected.

>>In b4 King’s Slayer reunion tour with hologram Jeff and a complete different vocalist

$$$DIMMU BORIGIR$$$ REVEAL NEW ALBUM DETAILS

>>Dimmu Borgir, the commercial cash cow black-metal-in-name-only band that everyone wish would retire, revealed new artwork and an album title Eonian

>> The band will be releasing a 7″ vinyl of the album’s first single next month, capping off vinyl’s sorrowful decent into mainstream consumerism

>> Hollywood celebrity vocalist and actual cuckhold-to-Nicholas-Cage’s-ex-wife Shagrath claims it will have elements of all of the band’s works dating back to For All Tid yet the album is likely to be another Broadway Musical devoid of guitars in the vein of their 2010 work Abarhadabra

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20 thoughts on “/dmg/ DEATH METAL GENERAL: RETIREMENT PLAGUE EDITION”

  1. deathevokation says:

    Anyone can look up info on Slayer to find Hanneman and King are nearly even in Slayer song writing going back to the old days. That includes individual songs written and collaborations, but thanks for the misinformation on a bullshit metal site merely to bash King because lack of credibility will be your undoing. King is a moron for backing Hillary, but no less stupid than the idiots that voted Trump, or Uncle Tom Obama, for Bush Jr., Clinton, Bush, Reagan, etc, etc. As for cucks; you’re all cuckolds to Zionism and big business. Zionism and big businesses own you and this country. Only morons think the scumbags elected into office represent citizens.

    George Carlin said it right: https://youtu.be/-14SllPPLxY

    1. Ignorance says:

      Apparently, you are wrong about the music:

      1. Show no Mercy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show_No_Mercy#Track_listing
      3/10 songs written solely by Hanneman
      5/10 written conjointly with King
      2 written solely by King

      2. Hell Awaits: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell_Awaits#Track_listing
      3/7 songs written solely by Hanneman
      3/7 written conjointly with King
      1/7 written solely by King

      3. Reign in Blood: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reign_in_Blood#Track_listing
      5/10 songs written solely by Hanneman
      4/10 written conjointly with King
      1/10 written solely solely by King

      4. South of Heaven: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_of_Heaven#Track_listing
      6/10 songs written solely by Hanneman
      3/10 written conjointly with King
      1/10 is a Judas Priest cover
      0/10 written solely by King

      How about you ACTUALLY DO YOUR HOMEWORK next time?

      1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rape Division says:

        Some of the new authors on this site (who are posers) seem to think Kerry never contributed or only contributed crap is the implication. Jeff Hanneman, with the exception of one song, also wrote the entirety of Diabolus in Musica.

    2. King Diamond ripped off KISS The elder album says:

      some bands are not 100% honest on exactly who did the writing (ie.Lennin-McCartney, jagger-Richards)

  2. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

    The formatting gave me eye cancer, the improper use of meme arrows gave me brain cancer, and seeing as this article is mostly about Satyricon and Dimmu Borgir, it’s apparent that DMU still has cancer too. A lot of the more recent articles, including by this author, have been a vast improvement but the meme arrow mainstream metal news articles are as bad as the SMRs.

    1. taller more autistic looking man says:

      yes this article is very cancerous especially the stupid fucking meme arrow retardation

  3. T. Desecration says:

    jesus christ stop with this fucking cringe “12 year old who just discovered le ebin 4chan mems” style of writing it’s really gay and embarassing

  4. Dirk says:

    Ha. I like this writer. Good laughs and info!

  5. Gladius et Scutum says:

    My favourite quote from Satyr, “We only have about 8-10 song ideas when we start writing an album because Satyricon doesn’t work on shitty songs.” If that is so, explain your entire music career Satyr.

    1. I'm black says:

      Hahahaha! Right on! What a turd!

  6. T. Desecration says:

    jesus christ stop with this fucking cringe “12 year old who just discovered le ebin 4chan mems” style of writing it’s really gay and embarassing

  7. Mister Syre says:

    There’s the Blabbermouth’s comment section for such stuff. No need for it here.

  8. Nuclear Hellcult says:

    The DMU staff started going on 4chan /pol/ after the election didn’t they?

    1. desu metal says:

      No the /pol shit started leaking into the writing here well before winter 2016

  9. JohnnyReb says:

    Yall are hilarious arguing about which meme arrows are used incorrectly. I’m glad I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about so I can just concentrate on the value of the articles and, you know, get out of my house everyone once-in-awhile.

  10. Bra Burning Womynist says:

    Avid DMU reader here, but I must say, this is a really poor attempt at the memetic format. It reads like an older man (late 20’s+) trying to be young and hip. Or is it supposed to be satire?

    1. ass bologna says:

      “older man”
      “late 20s”

      literal child spotted

      1. King Diamond ripped off KISS The elder album says:

        I will always be grateful to whoever dropped the penthouse and playboy mags in the trashcan outside of school when i was 9 years old … freaky deeky ..

  11. NWN War Metal Tranny Rape Division says:

    Gary Holt played good leads but made shitty music.

    1. King Diamond ripped off KISS The elder album says:

      You are the most assholey asshole ever to maker a comment, because exodus until 1991 is pure gold, you assholey asshole

Comments are closed.