Death Metal Underground

MASTER tour crushed by TSA paranoia

by
March 3, 2011 –
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You know, 19 brave people flew planes into the World Trade Center and while I think we should take it seriously, our methods sometimes go too far.

I say they were brave because I think it takes real guts (and total hatred for your enemy, which is always love) to destroy yourself by flying a giant plane into a landmark. If you need me to re-assure you that I think they were evil, or that I think they were misunderstood and really meant to bring us falafel and multiculture, I can’t help you; I can tell you they were brave. Imagine doing that sometime and you’ll see what I mean.

But now, we’re not being brave. We’re busting people for the wrong crap, and not busting enough people who need to go to jail. It’s both deterrent and security theater. I’m sure it works, but what the hell is the point in busting death metal bands from Eastern Europe? Al-Qaeda hates death metal.

We arrived Tuesday morning in Holland and after intense questioning we proceeded to the eye and body scan machine. Along with the other passengers we proceeded to the plane. We arrived in Detroit and went to passport control. I waited for about two hours for any word on the guys.

The police came to explain that the visa waiver program didn’t apply to musicians. So they sent me to customs and proceeded to tear apart everything and sent me on my way. I waited for six hours to get on another airplane and return to Europe. Thankfully the lady at the Delta checkout counter was very helpful and confirmed that the guys would be on the next plane in the evening and I could return with them. The guys were escorted to the plane by four police officers and returned their passports when we arrived in Amsterdam.

Since when are musicians and terrorists in the same category? Again I apologize to all the bands, organizers and fans of course.

I guess the CD cover of the Human Machine CD has become a reality! – Paul Speckmann, Master

While I think this is ass, and am somewhat upset at the loss of a Master tour, it’s time for metal bands to start querying actual immigration lawyers before making assumptions about how USA visas work. Unfortunately, at this time the process is so complex that you pretty much need an egghead with a law degree to sort it out. Anyway, the Master tour is canceled, we’re all poorer for it, and Al-Qaeda is laughing at our asses while they plan to destroy us with economic terrorism.

No comments

  • kas;d

    “You know, 19 brave people flew planes into the World Trade Center and while I think we should take it seriously, …”

    I don’t. Haha! Dead yuppies!

  • kk slider

    ANUS ought to quell their raging boner for Islamic extremism if they know whats best for ‘em.

  • kk slider

    Also, I dream Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would anally fuck me…..& 7 virgins watched while I suck off Muhammad.

    I’m so radical. ;)

  • an offended jew

    ANUS doesn’t like muslim extremism, ANUS just likes it when other people get hurt.

  • harumph

    Actually this article doesn’t seem written to offend at all. Anus is always trying to balance their “common sense” conservative bullshit with provocation and they’re tipping more into the former these days

  • batman

    Well fuck, I missed the last time Master played here, and now this happens? Good thing I hadn’t bought tickets yet…

  • Joe

    Gojira is much better than Master on one account… Gojira is more profound and emotional.

  • GODZILLA 2000

    They can also play their instruments better and their music isn’t just boring monotony. U jelly, kvlt kiddies? I don’t think anyone can name me a single notable Master album, let alone one released in the last 10 years.

  • !!

    ^truth. The last album has a wee little rant about wealth re-distrubition, other wise great song though!

  • T.G.

    Yep, everything that agrees with my ideology is right. Also, all those heroin users on the street deserve all the money.

  • Osama bin Laden

    AMERICA WILL BURN

    through their oil reserves if they don’t migrate to a renewable source of energy.

  • @T.G.

    No no, clearly the society that somehow creates heroin users is totally ok and not worth advancing! :waytogobro:

  • Another true story...share your own!

    I just reached down my PJ’s and gave my dick a few casual tugs totally by reflex.

  • Vio-lence vs Exodus

    Gojira exemplifies Crowdist behavior. Your songs are written like indie-rock converted to powerchords and played with periodic violence, but you do not understand the metal spirit, its way of writing riffs, its song structure or imagery. Although you may be nice guys, you are (sadly) imitators and corruptors of the metal tradition.

  • Bet you can't.

    Name one “relevant” and not washed up genre in music post 90′s, you fucking bastard.

  • CORRUPT.org fan

    ANUS people please bring back CORRUPT.ORG!!! I used to be a XASTHUR type of black metal guy, sitting in the house hating the world… but then CORRUPT told me it was OKAY to like girls, dress in non-metal clothes, play non-metal music, and be a family man!! My life was changed!

    Since they have stopped posting, though, all I can do is walk in the forest and listen to Darkthrone!! (Actually I live in the suburbs, so I just spend EVEN MORE time on the net than before, and pretend i’m in the forest) PLEASE HELP

  • Rap

    “Name one “relevant” and not washed up genre in music post 90’s, you fucking bastard.”

  • your

    Sure thing!

    Hip hop: Dalek, Kanye West, Public enemy, MCD5.

    Post rock: Godspeed you black emperor!, Mogwai, Mono.

    Post Hardcore: Converge, Battle of Mice.

    Dubstep: Exsicion, Datsick, Twinkrape,

  • all kidding asside

    dubstep sucks hard, though.

    Brr-rr-rr-zz-zz-zz
    WOW TALK ABOUT A FILTHY BASSLINE FITLHTY FILTHTHHT

  • Bill O'Reilly

    Paul Speckman probably got so stoned in Holland that he was still smelling like marijuana by the time he arrived in the USA. They took a good look in his bloodshot eyes and decided to send that crusty bastard back. I can’t blame them, Paul needs to shave his beard and get a job or something if he really wants to change society.

  • bill o' bot

    I don’t think Paul has ever held much of a job at all…

    In fact I think he dropped out of high school and spent his youth playing bass and smoking weed.

  • What a kooky bastard!

    The time has come to remove the pork bellies from their political throne. In an age of oppression these power mongers must be brought down to their knees and slaughtered like the swine they are. The rich should be made to share their assets with the poor and underprivleged of the world. “It’s timwe for the youth of today to take a stance, to stand up and be counted. Freedom is nearly lost! Freedom as you and I know it will be soon a thing of the past as the governments assume all control and dictate the way all shall live.

    The future is bleak, is bleak, is bleak”

  • Rico

    There is an ongoing rant on the Gojira guestbook. Basically people that really thing Gojira is better than any of the classics of old. Trying to inform them about other better quality bands is useless… they just close their eyes and ears and repeat Gojira senselessly

  • \m/

    Human Machine is one hell of a fucking album, despite how far left/racistssis Paul has shifted.

  • J.F.K

    BADOW BADOW BADOW BADOW WIGGY WIGGY

    (main riff of Master – Its What Your Country Can Do for You)

  • ♘ Knight ✝ IN HOC SIGNO VINCES ✝

    >classics of old

    Hahahahaha “clasics” of old, amazing how you could call any of that primitive kiddie music made as a joke “classic”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not even a Gojira fan, but Gojira’s music has leagues more depth and sophistication to it than your BOM PISH BOM PISH attention-span-of-a-knat riff def metlulz. And you talking about music “of old” when most of that shit was recorded when your dad was still a virgin is ridiculous. You sound like one of those JNCO-wearing douchebags in middle school that can’t stop going on about how much better music was “back in the day” and how great “Led Zep” is, which I’m sure you would be if you weren’t an introverted aspie that stumbled across death metal through the internet. You sicken me. Ptooey! I spit on you, wretch.

  • Negruvoda

    I will never forget the first time a negro penetrated my tight asshole with his powerful phallus. He had soothed the entry by employing some sour cream and putting on some Blind Guardian (listening to them is how my homoerotic tendencies began to arise).

  • Aspie

    HAHAHAHAHA, Blind Guardian is WAY deeper and more sophisticated than all these shitty bands like Morbid Anal and Demilich (more like demifag amirite?). You faggot aspies just can’t seem to accept that niggers are the master race and power metal will always be superior than your shitty def mutel riffz! LOLOLOLOLOLOL UR ALL ASPIES LOLOLOLOL

  • Internatio

    Al-Q is laughthing at your asses because you take them seriously while they’re CIA puppets, creating a general mood of terrorist threat to force the people into accepting higher and higher financing and powers for Murders Inc.

    Most of Master rule btw.

  • post-feminist

    Gosh when is my menstruation going to end? I’ve been bleeding non-stop for three weeks now. This can’t be healthy, especially since I don’t have a vagina.

  • Levy_Spearmen

    How many Levy_Spearmen does it take to make an amusing string of comments on a blog?

  • Levy_Spearmen

    Hey guys I’d love to comment some more but I’m currently being slapped in the face by two big black cocks. ttyl

  • Answer.

    None. ANUS is the blogposts. The comments are just there to distract both enemies and friends. No surprise since this site has embraced trolling as a way of online warfare way before sites like 4chan became mainstream news.

  • durf

    “No surprise since this site has embraced trolling as a way of online warfare way before sites like 4chan became mainstream news.”

    Not really. Anus’s level of “trolling” never went beyond the level of harmless prankery. I could argue me and my buds were trolling “first” because we did crank calls as kids.

    Now that 4chan is mainstream, anus is just latching onto its asshole and collecting the poop balls of tired memes that come farting out.

  • Nigel

    GOJIRA IS SUPERIOR TO THAT DEATH METAL MUSIC WHICH IS JUST NOISE NOISE DAMMIT!! CANT YOU SEE?? IF YOU DON’T LIKE GOJIRA WHY POST NASTY COMMENTS ON THE SITE??? CAUSE YOURE STUPID THATS WHY!!!!!

  • BLACK PANTHER

    the black race is the real superior race!! blacks are more intelligent and creators of everything. we should inherit the world. and yeah… Gojira is g.a.y. but not as g.a.y. as its fans …. those whities with tiny d.icks

  • Jacob X

    Black Panther types in jest, but what he says is nevertheless correct. The black race is more athletic, intelligent and spiritual than whites. We tend to have a religious attitude towards life; reverence and admiration for nature and ourselves. Whites have a void that they fill with irony and cheap crap. Over half a century ago we created the most complex and soulful music to come out of America while the whites were churning out soon-to-be-forgotten pop jingles, and let’s face it, they sort of had a head start in this country. If that’s not proof of out superiority I don’t know what is.

    You guys here like Hellhammer, old Burzum and stuff like that, right? Without Motorhead and Venom, those two bands would not exist. Motorhead and Venom lifted heavily from blues–something that used to be our music.

  • urbanscholar

    Yes, it’s true. Our race has long been morally and intellectually superior to the whites. While they were wasting their time with tomfoolery like science and astronomy, we were living simpler lives in harmony with nature back in Africa. All the whites have done is exploit nature and the superior races, but no worry, they will get what’s coming to them in the end. :)

  • poopjokes

    MY ASS HURTS. ITS NOT FUNNY. I KEEP POOPING EVEN THOUGH NOTHING COMES OUT. MY SHIT IS SO THIN IT LOOKS LIKE AN ETHIOPIAN MIDGET.

  • Gojira fan pro-white

    The black race are monkeys. Black men neglect the nigger female in favor of the white pink pussy. Nigger women are ugly and smell bad. If you have a problem come to my guestbook and i will drive a swiss made knife through your throat. – a true white Gojira fan !

  • poopjokes

    I ANXIOUSLY AWAIT THE NEW ANUS BLOGPOST LIKE I ANXIOUSLY AWAIT MY NEXT POOP. I LIKE TO POOP EVEN IF NOTHING COMES OUT, IT STILLS FEELS LIKE A POOP SO WHO CARES? MY ASS HURTS BUT I’M HAPPY.

  • next anus post

    With “Fallen”, Burzum continues down the metalcore emo path with a creative nexus being drawn to the corner of its own impulses. Talk about a fail…!!! stay tuned while I pimp out my friend’s shitty Demilich ripoff band

  • worried dude

    I THINK PROZAK DOES NOT LOVE US ANYMORE! HE USED TO WRITE ON THIS WEBSITE BUT NOW ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS AMERIKA.ORG … DO YOU THINK HE IS STILL A METAL HEAD??

  • prozak

    don’t worry literally all I listen to is metal and classical symphonies because I have autism

  • Brott Strevens

    Racists are bad people, we’ll all be one race one day anyway. Might as well get your fill of dat black poontang.

  • niggur

    Maybe in your collectivist fantasy world where generations from now when you’re not alive counts as “we”.

  • J.S Mill

    Yeah, I mean it’s not like it’s MY ass. Whatever you wan’t to do with your ass is like just fine and equally valid so long as it doesn’t harm anyone else (other than yourself it is! We all know how painful black cock can get in a narrow anal cavity haha!)

    Have a great day!

  • poopjokes

    DEAR DIARY.
    TODAY I TRIED TO KICK MYSELF IN THE BALLS. IT WORKED. I ALSO MADE A LITTLE POOP. I’M HAPPY.

  • GOJIRA MERCHANDISE

    New Gojira 2011 Sirius A.n.a.l. Masturbator available now ! Because YOU requested it ! Now every Gojira fan can listen to
    our cds and enjoy the full experience with the new indie – power toy of easy insertion ! Rock to our music and experience new
    levels of profound emotions with our 3 speed metallic – coated but soft in the inside vibrating item. Comes with two naked
    pictures of Joe Duplantier !!! (a.n.a.l. lube not included)

  • DIEHARD GOJIRA FAN (STANDING STRONG SINCE 2008)

    a.n.a.l. lube is for wimps and posers! true men take it raw! enjoy the pain of being penetrated by a huge black p.e.n.i.s! it’s the multicultural thing to do! vive la france! gojira 4 life!

  • prozak

    Don’t worry, I only listen to rap and underground hip hop, because I love being penetrated by niggercock.

  • I am Prozak's rectum

    Got shunted hard today by a big black cock, it was like Gary Coleman’s forearm – it was thrust deep inside me. Felt like I was being split in two, my walls were expanding at a massive rate to accommodate the immense schlong.

    When the nigger came, I got soaked like Japan.

  • Mind crysus - U let me down

    In my mind, there is a crisis.
    you left me feelin’ so fucking anxious

    feel so bad,
    feel so mad
    i wanna make u understand…

    u let me down
    left me alone
    u let me down
    broke mah hope
    u let me down
    how a nigga gona cope?

    *breakdown*

    now im gonna take back what belongs to me
    get revenge cause you cannot see
    da broken heart dat u left behind
    fuck you bitch cos’ you ruined mah mind

    u let me down
    left me alone
    u let me down
    broke mah hope
    u let me down
    how a nigga gona cope?

  • Twinkrape - Dissatisfied (Fuck You Man)

    im not content
    with your fucking routine
    every day, tell me what to do
    well fuck you
    I live how I want

    IM DISSASISFIED
    (FUCK YOU MAN!)
    IM PISSED OFF!
    (FUCK YOU BRO!)
    SO ANGRY!!

    you tell me my love is wrong
    that anal is immoral
    but boylove makes me strong
    let me show you my cumstain pictoral

    IM DISSASISFIED
    (FUCK YOU MAN!)
    IM PISSED OFF!
    (FUCK YOU BRO!)
    SO ANGRY!!

    *BREAKDOWN*

    YO
    I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH
    AINT TIME FO NO FUCKING DEBATE
    NOW IM GONNA GET ROUGH
    BRO, YOU GONNA GET RAPED

    FREEEEEDOM!!!!!

    *guitar solo*

    IM DISSASISFIED
    (FUCK YOU MAN!)
    IM PISSED OFF!
    (FUCK YOU BRO!)
    SO ANGRY!!

  • Standoff - I'm So Angry (U Don't Wanna Know)

    WAIT, HOLD UP
    YOU BETTER STAND CLEAR
    ‘CUZ I’M ABOUT TO UNLEASH
    MY FEELINGS RIGHT HERE
    THE WORLD’S FULL OF HATE
    FOR THE PEOPLE LIKE ME
    BUT HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
    IF YOU HAD H.I.V?

    (CHORUS)
    STAND BACK!
    I’M SO ANGRY
    STAND BACK!
    U DON’T WANNA KNOW
    (REPEAT 8X)

    DOCTORS, TEACHERS
    THEY’RE ALL THE SAME
    THEY ALWAYS TELL U
    YOU’RE TO BLAME
    BUT IF SOCIETY
    WAS MORE FREE
    THERE’D BE MORE ROOM
    FOR THE PEOPLE LIKE ME

    (CHORUS)
    STAND BACK!
    I’M SO ANGRY
    STAND BACK!
    U DON’T WANNA KNOW
    (REPEAT 8X)

    (BREAKDOWN)
    I WANNA BLEED IN YOUR MOUTH
    I’M GONNA BLEED ON THE CROWD
    I’LL PUT MY SEED IN YOUR MOUTH
    SO YOU’LL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ‘BOUT
    WHEN I SAY

    (CHORUS)
    STAND BACK!
    I’M SO ANGRY
    STAND BACK!
    U DON’T WANNA KNOW
    (REPEAT 8X)

    IT ISN’T MY FAULT
    THAT I HAVE THIS DISEASE
    BUT NOW YOU WILL KNOW
    WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE ME

    (CHORUS)
    BAREBACK!
    I’M SO ANGRY
    BAREBACK!
    U DON’T WANNA KNOW
    (REPEAT 16X)

  • Step Dad's 6-Pack - Thug Stompin'

    THINK I’M A SLAVE TO THE HETERO AGENDA
    I’LL SHOW YOU
    FUCKING KNOWS NO GENDER
    THE BLACK MAN’S GOO
    FILLS MY WHITE ASS

    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)
    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)
    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)

    ON THE DOWNLOW TONITE
    LOOKING FOR THAT GAY THUG SEX
    9 INCH COCK GAVE ME A FRIGHT
    I CAN TAKE IT, I’LL PASS THE TEST

    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)
    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)
    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)

    BREAK-THA-FUCK-DOWN!!

    YOU AIN’T DOWN WITH HOMO LOVE
    I’LL PULL OUT YO DICK WITH NO CONSENT
    YOU’LL TAKE IT RAW, RUFF N TUFF
    NO LUBE, TASTE MY DICK THEN TASTE CEMENT

    NO LUBE!
    (I LIKE IT RUFF)
    NO LUBE!!
    (SO MACHO N TUFF)

    BREAK-IT-DOWN!!

    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)
    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)
    THUG STOMPIN’
    (I’LL STOMP THEM NUTS)

  • Slamdunk - Can't Stop The Rage

    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    THE RRAAAAAGEEE!

    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    THE RRAAAAAGEEE!

    YO I BEEN SITTING INSIDE
    LOOKING OUTSIDE
    LOOKING INSIDE
    WHILE I LOOK OUTSIDE

    AND OUTSIDE I SEE A WORLD
    FULL OF PEOPLE ALL TOGETHER
    BUT THERE AIN’T NO EQUALITY
    AND YO THAT’S BOTHERING ME

    SO I’M QUICK TO GRAB MY BASEBALL BAT
    AND I GO CRAZY JUST LIKE THAT
    I SMASH MY ROOM UP YO
    ‘CAUSE U KNOW U CAN’T STOP THE RAGE

    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    THE RRAAAAAGEEE!

    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    THE RRAAAAAGEEE!

    NOW I’M WALKING OUT MY ROOM
    I JUST SMASHED IT UP YO
    THEN I SMASHED UP THE ROOM
    OF MY LIL BRO JOE

    AND IF U FEELING LIKE I DO
    THEN U KNOW WHAT 2 DO
    GRAB A BASEBALL BAT
    AND START SMASHING [bleep] LIKE THAT

    CUZ U KNOW IT AIN’T FAIR
    WHEN THEY TELL US THEY CARE
    YO THEY JUST BE LYING
    GET THE [bleep] OUTTA HERE

    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    THE RRAAAAAGEEE!

    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    U CAN’T STOP
    THE RRAAAAAGEEE!

  • OuT oF 0rdER--Backwards Upside-Down Visor Hat

    YO THEY CALL ME dOOd0O HEAD AND IM NAUGHTY NOT NICE
    MESS WIT ME AT SIX FLAGS AND YOU MIGHT GET ICED.
    DOIN SOME TWEAK RAD SHIT,
    THROW MY ENGLISH TEACHER IN THE CORNER AND GRAB HER TIT.
    YALL CANT PHASE ME!
    I AIN’T AFRAID TO THROW DOWN
    DREAM OF FRED DURST’S CRUSTS CUZ I THRIVE ON THE BROWN.
    MY LIFE IS SICK THUG, WRITIN’ GRAFFITI IN THEM STALLS
    EATIN HOTDOGS UNDER A PILE OF BARBIE DOLLS

    NO RULES TO HOLD ME DOOOWWWWNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    OOOOOOOAH-AH-AH-AH
    KNOCK KNOCK SUCK MY COCK
    RUN UP IN YA GRILL AND BLOW MY TOP
    SNEAK INTO MY LIL SISTERS ROOM N TAKE HER MONEY
    SEE IM HARDER THAN THE HARDEST HARD GUY
    WHEN AN ACTUAL GANG MEMBER COMES NEAR ME I DROP THE THUG ATTITUDE AND BE LIKE HI PLEASE DON’T PUNCH ME IN THE FACE

  • Midtown Hustlers - Vanilla Flavored Coffee Skin

    When I’m cruisin fo’ tha honeys
    I dun care about tha moneys
    I dun care about tha boobies
    That shit dun do it fo’ me

    When I’m cruisin fo’ tha babies
    When I’m lookin fo’ tha ladies
    Only one thing dat I be intrest in
    Dey gosta have dat vanilla flavored coffee skin

    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Dat’s right
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Not too dark and not too light
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    We can get it on tonite
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Such a sweetie is quite a sight

    Now I ain’t tryin to disrespect
    I’m just lettin U kno where it’s at
    Yo tha world has become so fat
    That a nation of vanilla flavored coffee is next

    Cuz when I’m cruisin fo’ tha ladies
    I’m also thinkin ’bout tha babies
    And yo we gosta have mo’ equality
    So I only want dat vanilla flavored coffee

    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Dat’s right
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Not too dark and not too light
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    We can get it on tonite
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Such a sweetie is quite a sight

    And later we can get married yo
    And make vanilla coffee skin embryos
    Our babies will be walkin da earth together
    Livin in harmony and peace 4ever

    One day will happen, we’ll all be tha same
    No mo’ light skin or dark skin to blame
    Some day my children will understand
    They father yo he was a real man

    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Dat’s right
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Not too dark and not too light
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    We can get it on tonite
    Vanilla flavored coffee skin
    Such a sweetie is quite a sight

  • BURZUM - MY JOURNEY TO THE STARS

    My Journey to the Stars
    I Immaterialize
    And Slowly Drift
    Into the Unknown
    With the Cold Winds with Soul
    The Wintery Plains Lie Untouched
    I Ride on My Elements
    Towards the Stars Unseen
    A Quest
    For Knowledge
    In the
    Astral
    Luminous
    Stench Intensifies
    As I
    Near a Spectral Sphere
    After a Hundred
    Men’s Lifetime
    In Analyzing
    I learn
    To Consume
    The Sphere
    Of Immense Power
    And To
    Become Immortal
    Darkness Hate and Winter
    Rules the Earth when I Return
    War
    Between Races
    A Goal Is Reached
    Chaos, Hate

  • Burzum fan!

    BADOW BADOW BADOW BADOW WIGGY WIGGY

    (main riff of Burzum – My Journey To The Stars)