Death Metal Underground’s staff makes great personal sacrifice to ensure that we degrade the unworthy, the inferior, and the charming. We show no mercy and will defile your corpse.
Death Worship – Extermination Mass (2016)
Crossover thrash sped up to grindcore speeds with tons of random noise. Death Worship sound like the pizza parlor version of Conqueror, ready to play bar shows full of indie rock fans, manlets, and mantitted dweebs on a power trip. Survival of the fittest? Sorry Death Worship, you’re shitty deathcore faces would be wrecked when Ihsahn tackles you with his doughy dad bod and spiked shoulder-pads. Go to Wal-Mart, buy a gun, and kill your bandmates followed by yourself in a not so tragic murder suicide. That would be true death worship.
Törkyraato – Joulumaatuminen (2016)
Bouncy, mosh core fun trends riff salad death metal influenced by Deicide, Morbid Angel, Slayer, and Carcass. Song structures aren’t random but Torkyraato are not particular inspiring. You’ve heard half these riffs before in better, less repetitive songs. Torkyraato can surely play their instruments though and have promise if they wish to get serious rather than parody the best of death metal’s illustrious past.
Törkyraato – Ihmisruukku (2017)?
More wanky post-hardcore grind from Torkyraato. The jokes over guys; quit it with this disposable joke trash. This is charming and bad pornography. Fellate a pistol barrel and pull the trigger.
Kladovest – Ignitiate (2016)
Kladovest are yet more Eastern European metal core pretending to be “flowing black metal” and failing miserably as they really wish black metal sounded like R.E.O. Speedwagon instead of Darkthrone. Stalin should have shot or starved Kladovest’s ancestors.
Mosaic – Old Man’s Wyntar (2017)
Sentimental metalcore pretending to be black metal. Imagine Tarnkappe if you chopped his balls off, took away all the good ideas, made the tracks ten minutes too long, and oh make it not sound like Tarnkappe at all as Mosaic do not even play metal, they play indie rock. Fuck off and die. Go suck a pistol like it’s a cock and let it ejaculate a bullet into your mouth.
Theosophy – Eastland Tales- Part II (2017)
Theosophy are a Gothenburg metalcore band who stole a bunch of riffs from Norwegian greats like Darkthrone and Emperor. In Flames with other shit is still In Flames. In Flames with the “Ride The Lightning” breakdown is still In Flames. Fuck off and die.
Miserist- Miserist (2017)
Hellhammer and Morbid Angel influenced war metal that goes nowhere except to create an atmosphere for hipster indie rock fans to hit on ugly women with shaved heads and septum piercings. Kill yourself scenester scum:
1. Load pistol with live rounds. Hollow-point preferred.
2. Unlock safety.
3. Put in mouth and point upward toward brain.
4. Pull trigger.
5. Make world better place!
StoneGazer – MDRM (2017)
StoneGazer sound like Soundgarden fronted by Eddie Vedder more than they do Black Sabbath. This Queens of the Stone Age bullshit is not metal. Fuck off and die.
Dreaming Dead – Funeral Twilight (2017)
Sing-along speed metal pretending to be death metal. You don’t even sound like Megadeth Dreaming Dead, you guys sound like Slaughter of the Soul plus Slash from Guns ‘n’ Roses. Metalcore shit. Start listening to Morbid Angel and ditch your annoying Mille Petrozza from Kreator knockoff vocalist. Otherwise go kill yourselves.
Et Moriemur – Ex Nihilo in Nihilum (2016)
Butt rock sludge whine rock. Why don’t you just kill yourselves?
Chronic Hangover – Nero Inferno Italiano (2017)
Whiny MTV 2 early 2000s alt-rock. Not metal. Kill yourselves.
Black Light – Name of the One (2016)
Shitty Metallica cock sucking rethrash. Stick to your high school talent show or kill yourselves. Your choice Black Light.
Neoheresy – Oblawa (2017)
Gay, hippie singalong multicultural kumbaya cuck rock pretending to be black metal. Fuck off and die you wannabe Paul Simon.
Diablerie – The Catalyst vol. 1: Control (2017)
Melodeaf metalcore meets industrial dance music for leather daddies to contract HIV to in gay dungeons. Kill yourself.
Slamophiliac – Perihelion (2017)
Slamophiliac play Morpheus Descends influenced technical deafcore just as the title suggests. At least this isn’t disappointing in its awfulness. What’s with the fruitcake cover though? Are Slamophiliac fat, lazy stoners just like they’re lazy songwriters? Yes they are! Kill yourself fat ass. A Burger King overdose will lead you to a double whopper sized diabetic stroke Slamophiliac. You better lose some weight if you want to slam a ho without a fat upper pubic area to get through. Can that baby dick hidden in your flesh folds penetrate the FUPA? Let’s not find out!