Sadistic Metal Reviews: Grind Them All


Dark Angel – Time Does Not Heal (1991)
Dark Angel promised “9 songs, 67 minutes, 246 riffs!” 67 minutes of generic speed metal with an awful vocalist that sounds like an American Blaze Bayley. There are breakdowns under choruses that sound like Tinkerbell is getting raped in a Rammstein video. Dark Angel shouldn’t reunite; Dark Angel should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Artillery – The Mind Factory (1991)
What happened? Artillery went directly from By Inheritance to trying to get in on Metallica‘s Black Album “success”. The Mind Factory sounds like Journey with AIDS, aka Styx. If anyone thinks this is actually good, then they should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Deathblow – Meanless Propaganda (1991)
Deathblow were a Japanese Metallica clone. Thankfully Meanless Propaganda is not random but shares none of Metallica’s progressive instincts. There’s really nothing unique about Deathblow beyond the Engrish vocals. Such a shoddy ersatz just makes one want to listen to the real thing. Anyone who thinks Meanless Propaganda is a lost gem should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Gladiator – Designation (1991)
Gladiator ape Sepultura. They toss Morbid Visions into random speed metal riff salads with Andreas Kisser style leads played by someone with fetal alcohol syndrome. Designation is merely a curious cargo cult copy of Sepultura. Retards who love Gladiator should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Sauron – The Baltic Fog (1995)
The Baltic Fog is a mid-paced riff salad with Darkthrone riffs. Where’s the narrative and progressive composition of Norwegian black metal? Sauron don’t have it. Sauron should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Averse Sefira – Tetragrammatical Astygmata (2006)
“Detonation” is actually just “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent with tremolo picking. The rest of Tetragrammatical Astygmata is similar. Averse Sefira should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Besieged – Visions of Pain (2009)
Besiege randomly scrambled and remix Sepultura into beer metal pizza thrash. Carcass : Exhumed :: Sepultura : Besieged. Besieged should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Bestial Warlust – Storming Bestial Legions LIVE ’96 (2017)
“We’re Bestial fuckin’ Warlust!” This is a cash grab live album of tranny fucking. Whoa the sound of the ass poundage is better than many war metal studio albums! Big surprise. Anyone who buys this should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Lock Up – Demonization (2017)
Hyper speed deathcore that never grinds. There are actually some interesting riffs here but they are quickly discarded in favor of breakdowns and gang vocals. The tracks are never used as phrases in longer compositions. Everything is just phoned-in. Lock Up should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Panikk – Discarded Existence (2017)
Panikk are beer metal Exodus worshippers. Vocals sound like a crossover thrash version of Schmier from Destruction. Discarded Existence is just lame and boring poser thrash that could be played in a high school battle of the bands. Panikk should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.


Venereal Baptism – Deviant Castigation Liturgy (2017)
Venereal Baptism are Mayhem loving crossover thrash. Deviant Castigation Liturgy is funderground bullshit for poseurs who think getting fucked in the ass by a transvestite’s penis doesn’t make them gay as the man doing insists he’s a woman despite having a dick and balls. Venereal Baptism should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Noctiferia – Transnatura (2017)
What is this? Gypsy metalcore? Noctiferia should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Enemy Remains – No Faith In Humanity (2016)
Gothenburg metalcore. Enemy Remains Noctiferia should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Bonesteel – Epitome Of Infamy (2017)
Nineties buttrock with stolen Metalicca riffs. Bonesteel should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Aversions Crown – Xenocide (2017)
Deathcore. Aversions Crown should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Ashaena – Calea (2017)
Folk rock / screamo hybrid for butt pirates. Assaena should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Blood Moon – Through The Scarlet Veil (2017)
Black ‘n’ roll crooner bullshit. Blood Moon should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Shadow of Bedlam – Transfiguration (2017)
Post-hardcore with riot girl vocals pretending to be metal. Shadow of Bedlam should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Nula – Kenoma (2017)
Sludge. Nula should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Crime – First Crime (2017)
Crime steal riffs from Iron Maiden and think having unclean vocals make their crappy recording death or black metal. Crime should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Drude – Drude (20170
Stoner doom is for retards. Drudge should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Cult Of Luna – Years In A Day (2017)
Sludge is not metal. Cult of Luna are the typical hipster losers who think that’s okay for their girlfriends to peg them into incontinence and that makes it not gay for them to get fucked up the ass. Cult of Luna should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Doctor Livingstone – Trimphus Haeretici (2017)
Deathcore with bongos is not black metal. Doctor Livingstone should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Spacetrucker – Launch Sequence (2017)
This is the type of generic nineties hard rock that could be played in the background of shitty nineties teen movie about bisexual goth cheerleaders. Spacetrucker should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Righteous Vendetta – Cursed (2017)
Metalcore. Righteous Vendetta should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Locust Leaves – A Subtler Kind Of Light (2017)
Random metalcore for retards. Locust Leaves should disembowel themselves and jump into a meat grinder so that they may be made into sausage and fed to Germans.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

13 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Grind Them All”

  1. modern warmetal supreme commando 38, master prestige rank 12 (caller of chicks with dicks) says:

    Bestial Warlust are more of a ladyboy chaser band.

    1. national geographic nipples says:

      It’s not gay if he has a feminine penis

  2. churn says:

    Still kept doing pathetic SMRs/ failed to report on the Blood and Incantion live release RIP DMU

  3. Thewaters says:

    I love the edgy inclusion of Averse Sefria

  4. David Szisz says:

    Tetragrammatical Astygmata is glorious, the hell are you smoking?

  5. Negro Jew says:

    This article is total shit. Old albums no one cares about with a bunch of new albums no one cares about. This article is useless, just like every other pathetic SMR article.

    Is DMU gonna keep sucking tranny dick or is it going to give us interesting content someday?

    1. I Sacrificed My ANUS To Brett Stevens says:

      DMU is dead.

  6. the sound of serpent ascending's shriveled testes slapping against your chin says:

    Ah I get it, feed sausage to Germans because Germans are now Muslims and they don’t eat sausage… or something?

  7. GVSM says:

    Fuck you, Tetragrammatical Astygmata is enough to be admirable

    1. Bald German says:

      Nein ist 6.35mm auf einen immortalreicher riffenbach.

  8. Spinal says:

    Well, we need to actually listen to the albums for some time before writing about them.
    Thanks for pointing them out though, will look into this.

  9. canadaspaceman says:

    Besieged is good, but was better the first time I heard it, as Sepultura’s Arise.

  10. neutronhammer says:

    I live for SMRs, it’s the best thing that has happened to me all year. (It’s been over a year since i got )

Comments are closed.