Night Shift War Metal Crossover Love

A “War Metal Maniac” calling himself “Nokturnal Thrall to 7-11, Glutinous Devourer of Transmogrified Phallus” submitted a story of an encounter of his to Death Metal Underground in light of Gorgowocoa’s recent revelations of disgusting degeneracy.

It started out like any other night: restocking the coolers and mopping the floor as Conqueror surged through my Apple Earpods. As a self-professed War Metal Maniac, I reject the idea of living a conventional life like all the normies. I don’t need a six-figure income to be happy; I’m perfectly content working graveyard shift at 7-11. I fuckin’ love it: just me and the sonic chaos of War Metal igniting the black flame of my soul. I still felt sort of lonely though. That is, until she (or should I say he?) showed up.

It was around 2am and I was not-so-sneakily jackin’ it behind the counter. The interracial shit I usually jack it to wasn’t really doing for me though. Then I heard the whoosh of the sliding doors and my heart sank. “What the fuck? Oh no! I’m gonna lose my job and and how will I buy my Nuclear War Now! die hard vinyls and mom will kick me out and…” I looked up and a box-jawed blue-haired transsexual was eyeing me up and down with a sultry grin. S/he approached. I opened my mouth to say something, but s/he shushed me with her wizened finger. It smelled like literal shit. It was then when I noticed a deep, bestial perversion stirring in my loins. I had a vision of Caller of the Storms, stone faced, giving me a single nod, as if to say, “This is what you were born to do.”

Suddenly, life had new meaning.

With the force and fury of a buffalo stampede, the demonic perversions within my blasphemic soul were unleashed. With more confidence than I had ever felt before, I ripped the bulging daisy dukes off of my nameless lover, revealing an impressive member that easily dwarfed my puny own.

Studded. Veiny. Hard as steel. I was ready to consume her Demon seed. I started sucking, licking, biting. The steely coolness of the prince albert piercing complemented the hot greasy flesh perfectly. S/he moaned, clutched my head with her strong hands and forced all 8 inches down my tender throat. I gagged on it as s/he used my throat, which squeezed her member dry like a tube of toothpaste until at last it came to me. This is what war metal is all about. Not minty freshness but hard, alkaline metallic seed. The war cult was within me.

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46 thoughts on “Night Shift War Metal Crossover Love”

  1. Gorgowocoa says:

    Fuck that campfire’s smooth… Now this is what it’s all about!!! seriously though who exactly wrote of Gorgowocoa’s “disgusting degeneracy”??? What kind of toffee-nosed shit is that? as though you aren’t all of that ilk??? let me tell you that if you’re reading these words right now something hasn’t gone right in your life. This is especially true of weasels like Daniel, weedy little fucks that criticise you until they realise how awesome it is themselves, then act like they’re seasoned veterans of the art.

    1. I know! What’s wrong with tranny sex? We all gotta fuck hard unless you’re some kind of life metal bitch. Throw on the Blasphemy, bring on the brews, and let me let loose in a tranny with the crew! Hailz!

      1. Gorgowocoa says:

        Not only that dude, it’s that it’s actually been going on for years in various BM scenes. Prior to that there was generally a lot of homoeroticism in metal but it sort of got pushed out of the way by tranny thing AND WHY NOT? we earned that independence , it doesn’t look gay, you can spin your favourite tunes on them for a real trip.

      2. Gorgowocoa says:

        Yeah true. Hey btw dude how do you find old Mortician shit for trannybangin?? I came pretty hard there once on Hacked up for Barbeque but then I remember getting kind of angry with the tranny afterwards idk

    2. I'm black says:

      smooth campfire

  2. Johnny cab says:

    This is retarded. Granted, it’s 3:25 am where I’m at, so there’s plenty of time for something of equal or greater retardation to occur, but I’m relatively confident that this is the most retarded thing I’ll experience today.

    This is like watching Rocky Dennis eat the ass of Corky from Life Goes On. You went from ANUS/DLA to a 90210-version of a Lambgoat/Blabbermouth comment section hybrid. Voices From The Darkside utilizes literal commie faggots to write their reviews, you guys pump out pointless dumb shit that some idiot that chokes on two bong rips would consider ‘Post-modern nihilistic headthink’, and the other big sites just post updates on Ratt or whoever they’re being paid to push.

    You are officially the Portland, Oregon of the digital music print world. Take a vacation. Come up with some better ideas, maybe go back to talking about pipe tabacco and craft beer or Borknagar beard oil.

    You niglets went full pumpkin spice.

    1. Fucking this, but still. Shit made me laugh

  3. Gorgowocoa says:

    ..but honestly I don’t hold a grudge, if Daniel comes halfway and at least tells me why he keeps ignoring my request I’m probably gonna be one of the most generous metal bros he’s ever had.. :: pulls out of tranny halfway and with a nod beckons that the young Daniel have a turn, free of charge, and with a high five he accepts ::

  4. Gorgowocoa says:

    Daniel you fucking mincer what the fuck is going on over there comments are still awaiting moderationn????

  5. Goat Egg says:

    I masturbated. Again.

  6. neutronhammer says:

    I initially thought i didn’t ‘get’ Conqueror, i however quickly realized that it’s just noisy garbage with almost no redeeming qualities.

  7. this site jumped the GRID (get it?) says:

    Keep it in the comments. I fuck trannys in a non gay way but I’m here to learn about metal that’s not gay. This is gay.

    1. national geographic nipples says:

      It’s only not gay if they have a feminine penis

  8. Chewbakkvlt says:

    Turned off the Conqueror about 8 minutes in. Why would anyone listen to this over Beherit or the 2nd ImpNaz?

    1. NWN forum dwellers are scenesters who don’t really like metal?

    2. Gorgowocoa says:

      Nice one. But don’t be a poseur because this shit was made to fuck trannies to. You in or what?

  9. GGALLIN1776 says:




  10. I'm black says:

    Keep up the good work. Hilarious!

  11. Emil in the Maple Mountains says:

    Well I’m off to watch some Star Trek TNG.

    1. Psychic Psych Toad says:

      Real trannies watch Andromeda, Farscape, Seaquest, Red Dwarf, and The Orville.

  12. Nokturnal Thrall to 7-11, Glutinous Devourer of Transmogrified Phallus says:

    Who would’ve thought? An innocent comment turns into a front page sensation. Must’ve been the creative writing classes I’ve been taking online through University of Phoenix! I’d like to thank my mom for letting me smoke weed in the house, my War Metal buddies for always being sick and keeping it real, but most of all I’d like to thank all the trannies out there for opening up new dimensions of hedonistic carnal blasphemy and sexual hatred!!

    I’d also like to take this opportunity to inform you all that, after some discussion with Daniel, the Death Metal Underground will undergo a re-branding into the War Metal Underground! We will be featuring all the sickest new NWN releases as well as lifestyle articles on picking up trannies and Vaping.

  13. Charles says:

    Was on a tram when I totally lost it while reading this… the part where Caller of the Storms gives him the nod lol

  14. Elder One says:

    Bah, I was trolling the underground long before you kids… Though the tranny thing wasn´t as big now, we still keep it raw and TRVE GAY!


  15. Trashchunk says:

    I take it as a spoof on how the underground is full of losers with nothing but a front of total devotion to a bunch of labels Columbia House CD club, and they come off sounding like they are describing a soul changing encounter with their soulmate which comes off as if they want to fuck the guys in Blasphemy, I get it!

  16. Xasthur says:

    Slicin tranny flesh to shreds, floatin through da cum
    Took out his glass eye, put it in muh bum.
    Month old yellow corpse in my bed, I’m in suicide mode
    Blow my dick off with a shotgun and ride in a…COMMOOOOOOOOODE

    1. Fritz says:

      Very good

    1. swerv says:

      Shit was getting hella goofy again between the depth of Maarat’s half empty/full beer glass and Rainer taking up the bulk of the pseudo-intelligencia thrust. Anyone that’s been unlucky enough to be around here long enough will recognise the pattern playing out. It’s when that happens that Prozak usually employs a handful of Irishmen to decimate the comments section and basically bring everything back to ground zero. The realisation of the extent of the all time low is quickly recognised by writer and reader-base alike, thus the quality of shit tends to get a bit better for a bit; of course nothing lasts forever.

      1. Seth says:

        Yeah, I’ve been reading for the last 12 years or so, and I guess it’s a bit of denial on my part watching it die. At this point even contributing the occasional article seems a bit like a woman in a napalmed VC village attempting to breastfeed her dead infant out of denial, only to have the milk dribble out of its bloated, fly-covered remains of an oral orifice. Sad day. R.I.P.

        1. Subintellectual says:

          The bittersweetness of it just makes it better. Like pouring salt onto an infected, bloated scrotum, making your puny brain go haywire on both pain and pleasure.

    2. JohnnyReb says:

      It’s fucking sad what this page has become. Goddamn pathetic.

    3. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Simple recipe: Encourage trolling, discourage anything else => loads of noise, no signal.

  17. ben umanov's dildo dradel says:

    Man those two bands make me wish I wasn’t Canadian, the cowboy junkies are more evil than these dingleberries. It’s like the band sublime, the only thing worse thsn the band is the people that listen to them

  18. JohnnyReb says:

    Daniel. It’s pretty sad what this site has become. A simple comment stating that this site is now pathetic is rejected, but an entire story about sex with trannies is deemed acceptable? No, this story is not a cute analysis or an excellent piece of trolling. It is a prime example of readership mirroring its editor. Often, the comments section of failing blogs and websites such as metalsucks or cnn or the new york times is the only place to find a dose of reality, but not here. Even the comments section here has been reduced to knuckle dragging drivel. You’re better than this. You’ve shown it in the past. Hold this website to a higher fucking standard for Christ’s sake.

    1. Stop whining you Christian.

      1. Fritz says:

        Exactly. And more importantly, stop being a fucking faggot. This was some of the best shit ever excreted into DMU history. Definitely sorted the sick puppies from the weekenders

      2. bustin makes me feel good says:

        scathing retort

  19. Gorgowocoa says:

    Daniel you fuck. Any update on the progress of that INCANTATION review? I’m really just wanting to hear your opinion on it, not impressed with the wait. You can do a lot better

    1. Gorgowocoa says:

      Lol just kidding dude take your time. And don’t take my earlier ramblings to heart either, you’re totally welcome up here in BC we’ll get wasted and go halves in a tranny together. DMU war metal tag-team FTW!!!

  20. canadaspaceman says:

    fuckin right on
    Full Metal Jacket is one of the best movies ever made
    Thanks for posting that photo.
    I played that movie for him before he died and he said the army was just like that in Poland and Germany in 1939.

  21. Flying Kites says:

    Full Metal Jacket is a great fucking movie. Speaks loudly about slave revolt. Has Mr. Stevens, the most high Ayatollah, ever reviewed it? There a few movies around here, but I never looked much into e-zine on DLA.

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