Metalcore commode Toilet Ov Hell saw our staff’s report on their recent cry-in over how we are actually critical.
Toilet Ov Hell responded by posting a recording of their group therapy session in the style of Dr. Phil. Sadly there were not “more jokes for ESL listeners” compared to the three or so that were in the first flashlight cry-in sleepover of Toilet Ov Hell. This time, they had to resort to your mom jokes and confessions best suited for a suicide hotline.
I have wasted my time picking out the highlights for the Death Metal Underground readership to enjoy:
“We did get the short end of the stick here. We got the guy who has been with them on the JV for a couple of weeks. Benchwarmer! We got fucking Rudy writing for us.”
“Daniel Maarat, he’s the finest metal blogger in deactivated Soviet Russia.”
“In Death Metal Underground, metal deaths you!”
“Sodomizing the weak? I don’t how that’s not gay at all.”
“You gotta jerk and twist, jerk and twist.”
“It’s only 500 words but only about six sentences as there are so many run-ons.”
“We are openly homosexual”
“Yeah that’s true, I am and I’m proud of it. I actually went to pride in Boston as I mentioned in the last podcast as I thought you would tell Death Metal Underground on me…”
“It’s a really interesting idea that there is something inherently bad or shameful about being openly homosexual or showing any kind of homosexual tendency. I don’t can’t quite get it as as far as I know homosexual behavior has been around since the beginning of mankind and it’s kind of pervasive across tons of cultures throughout history.”
“As like grown men who in relationships with women, it’s kind of hard to feel really insecure about our sexuality at this point. We’re not seventeen anymore. That question comes up at some point in everyone’s life where you go ‘Am I gay?’ and the answer is ‘No, not at all’ or ‘Yeah, yeah I am’.
“I think it’s not even that straightforward, I think that you know sexuality exists on a wavelength.”
“Yeah on a spectrum.”
“Yeah there’s the Kinsey scale people where it’s like ‘I’m not super particularly into women except for this particular kind of women at this particular time’ and that’s fine. Who the fuck cares?”
“Yeah I don’t know. I’m at a point in my life where I’m confident enough in my heterosexuality to say ‘Yeah, that dude is pretty bangable.’ It doesn’t phase me. I don’t see why it terrifies them so much that maybe some regular ass dudes can talk about some kind of other regular ass dudes being attractive in some form or another”
“Some people take themselves extremely seriously.”
“I’m not gonna lie guys, Outlaw Metal Alpha, sounds like a Japanese anime we should be watching.”
“I will tell you straight up Cullen, I am a socialist and it’s fucking awesome. So there’s no cultural marxism, it’s just Marxism.”