/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Massacre of Death Metal’s Mainstream

Yesterday, we gave you the 10 most popular death metal bands of all time.  Now one by one they will face public execution as we absolutely massacre their most recent release.  No mercy will be shown- orders are to kill everything that moves.

Did you fucking soy metal nu males really think they would get off easy?  This is Death Metal Underground- the most savage music site on the internet!  Death to soy metal, death to sellouts, burn and die all falses!  Mayhem- war- sadism- brutalization!  No death metal band should have 1 million Facebook likes!  No death metal band should be on Facebook at all!  Pussies!  Behead the corpses, throw them into the streets- the Templar way!

The Black Dahlia Murder: Nightbringers (2017)

Having released the same album 4 times in a row, The Black Dahlia Murder needed to come up with something to satisfy their soul-raping Metal Blade Records contract.  Dry on ideas and inspiration, the band decided to play the music from Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest at fast tempos and have Trevor do the same vocals he’s been doing for 15 years over and over again only with country western lyrics about being him the widowmaker.  I appreciate gun violence lyrics that are highly underused in death metal, Trevor mah dude, but this Castlevania-core waste is empty without tranny-slaying masculine aesthetics.  Remember that Simon Belmont was commissioned to hunt sodomites by the pope, you fucking asshole!  Unfortunately, charting on the top 10 biggest death metal bands list was not enough record sales to keep the band from relying on their girlfriends to pay their rent for them!  T-dawg even once famously went on Facebook to whine about how if the million people that clicked “like” on their page had spent a single dollar on their music that they wouldn’t have to be delegated to living in cramped apartments and fucking fat girls!

And to Titus “No Comments” Polio- you son of a bitch!  What the fuck was that BDM transvestite fan-fiction you had up here last year?  Were you trying to make DMU Gay-Metal-Underground?  Fuck that!  Here’s the long awaiting ending to that sodomite degeneracy: Brett time-warps out of the van through a wormhole, recons your entire reign as editor, and then I sodomize your ass with a crucifix you fucking faggot!  Death to false editors!

In Flames – Battles (2016)

Holy shit!  In Flames, what the fuck are you doing?  Not only does this album claim the gayest album title in metal history- it also has the gayest artwork!  What the fuck is this Rainbow Roll sushi screamo shit?  Why are you still crying- Orgy is playing dubstep now, why are you still trying to do their vocals and shit?  What the fuck are you saying “we’re in this world of make believe” dude, this Alice-in-Wonderland shit couldn’t even score you #8 on the most popular bands that played death metal list! Who the fuck are these people anyway- none of you were in the fucking band throughout the first, fuck, like 3 albums or some shit?  Still playing nu metal, still doing emo choruses, still humiliating the Swedish Death Metal Scene.  Still incorporating industrial, still using feminine vocals.  Dude, I can’t wait for the “Asian” migrants to kick your severed heads down the streets of Sweden lick a fucking football in the name of Mohammed, you beta fucks!

UnderOath – Erase Me (2018)

Okay, I’m a fucking dick for persecuting my fellow Christians, but you know what?  In 2006 the guitarist of this band fucked my buddy Steve-O’s girl while they were dating!  Fuck that shit!  I think she was underage and shit to, now she’s out hoein it up in Boca Raton now with all those rich fucks and weird ass Florida guidos and UnderOath is here playing this goofy Thursday clone screamo.  Also, Underoath’s drummer is too pussy to call his music Christian even though it is.  Man up, you fucking beta-male!  Get your ass into a real church, none of that Joyce Mayer shit, get on some hard fundementalism like a real man. 1st Timothy chapter 2 says women should be silent and submissive and obedient, so man the fuck up and force those women into submission instead of singing like them, you half assed stupid bastards!  And stop stealing Jonathan Davis vocal melodies- it’s fucking embarrassing!

Behemoth – The Satanist (2014)

Leukemia boy is back!  And more broken than ever!  Yes, this fucking waste of shit pretty boy Nergel wasn’t man enough to hold down a real woman in Doda and witnessed her fuck some roid-head body builder instead.  If Nergal was a better musician this wouldn’t have happened, but apparently he was too busy putting on clown makeup to learn some real guitar technique.  Remove the vocals and drums, and most of the riffs on The Satanist sound exactly like the first Static X album.  Other times, he rips off Erik Rutan’s flavor of the week shitshow Hate Eternal even though nobody remembers that band anymore.  Unfortunately, the Polish government has again failed to execute Nergal for his crimes of blasphemy and degeneracy, but hopefully the nation will close their boarders and become a true theocratic monarchy.  When this day comes, Nergal should hopefully be burned at the stake AFTER his pants are pulled down so the world could see why he couldn’t satisfy a women.  And it we’ll all know it wasn’t the fucking leukemia!

Opeth – Sorceress (2016)

A FUCKING PEACOCK!  That’s the cover and the music- full of pretty colors, flamboyant elegance, and increasingly rare species (prog metal losers).  When all is said and done Opeth will not remembered fondly by the metal world, with a legacy of producing the most obnoxious fans in metal history.  This is just gay prog rock, no metal, some chugs and distortion here and there, but this is overall just bad 70’s revival.  Opeth, there’ s a reason this shit died in the 70’s: IT SUCKED!  Mikael, you’re a pussy, and thanks to you many men will die fat and useless without every having experienced a woman’s warmth.  Queer prog rock for queer people, The Sorceress is secretly an Incubus.  Fail!

Arch Enemy – Will to Power (2017)

Get back in the kitchen!

Cannibal Corpse – Red Before Black (2017)

What the fuck, when did Cannibal Corpse become Cryptopsy?  This is a total ripoff of Blasphemy Made Flesh and Lord Worm’s shitty grandpa-death-metal vocals.  There is no point to this album existing other than Cannibal Corpse being pinned down to a life destroying Metal Blade Records contract.   The solos sound like Kerry King’s wammy bar seizures from Slayer’s nu metal phase.  Riffs and songs are indistinguishable- there’s a bunch of palm muting and a goofy uptempo drumbeat.  This music syncs up perfectly with the scene in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer movie where the elves are singing about the island of the misfit toys.  WHAT DO YOU MEAN HERBIE DOESN’T LIKE TO MAKE TOYS?  Think about it bro, that shit was the reason we have SJW Mortal-Kombat looking chicks that go to Cannibal Corpse shows.  Woah.

Cradle of Filth – Cryptoriana – The Seductiveness of Decay (2017)

Midlife crisis circus freak Dani Filth made a good move booting his waste of life guitarist Paul Allender after decades of medocrity and shit album after shit album in favor of a bunch of young gear-head music geek musicians.  But sadly, some good guitar playing is lost on terrible music with no soul or originality.  The musicians are trying to rip off 90’s symphonic metal but are hindered by the worst vocalist in British metal history, obnoxious chick vocals, and homsexual aesthetics.  OK, I take back what I said about the guitars- I heard most of these riffs in albums from My Dying Bride and Paradise lost.  The musicians are actually stealing riffs and melodies from other COF albums- what a bunch of dorks!  What the fuck Cradle, is goth so dead now that you can’t even find an attractive keyboardist anymore?  If you’re a fat loser that watches Queen of the Damned with tears streaming down your face knowing that Vampire raves will never happen again then this is the soundtrack of your life.  For actual metalheads, get the fuck away from this shit!

Sepultura – Machine Messiah (2017)

Well, it’s not as gay as Roots.  But Sepultura have still pissed away their future with their new singer Derrick Green, destroying the Brazilian identity that had one of the world’s largest nations rallyed behind them.  Okay, so he’s been in the band for 20 years- BUT HE’LL ALWAYS BE THE “NEW” SEPULTURA SINGER, BECAUSE BRAZIL WILL NEVER ACCEPT HIM.  This is some weird, avent-garde art rock, not metal, not good.  Just some weird blues singing over some random, meaningless guitar waffling.  Fuck, at least the drums used to be good but now that Igor’s out we only have the bassist from Morbid Visions and a bunch of Ed Hardy/Tapout guidos.  Fortunately Jair Bolsanado will soon be president of Brazil, will bring the dictatorship back, will deport or behead Derrick Green, and hopefully will force a reunion with the Cavelaras or at least execute all of the current Sepultura members so we don’t have to see these sellout scumbags hogging up the bills of U.S. tours.

Suicide Silence – You Can’t Stop Me (2017)

When singer Mitch Lurker died in a horrific motorcycle accident the surviving members of Suicide Silence have declared revenge on the world that has claimed the life of their former leader.  This vengeance has been exercised by attempting to revive Nu Metal, the one sub genre of music universally denied by metalheads of all creeds and color and recognized by all as a mistake.  While nu metal influences have since been kept mostly within the confines of war metal bands on Nuclear War Now! records, Suicide Silence creates a full blown Fred Durst experience on You Can’t Stop Me complete with lyrics penned by likely high school dropouts.  Even the white trash, face-tatted fans of Suicide Silence have rejected this trash heap of shit and degeneracy as being beneath them- sad!  The incorporation of Z-grade death metal riffs that would have been rejected even by Mortician or Swansong era Carcass fit right in with the drop-A groovecore jams longing for an era when mountains of cocaine were awarded to rape victims to pose as metal singers and record duos with failed rappers.

Concluding Thesis

If you want to sell a shitload of metal records, be a faggot and change your style to faggot music after at least one album.  If you want to be death metal, don’t be a faggot.  You won’t have a million Facebook fans, and that’s a fucking good thing!

PS:  Nobody on this list owns a big house

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16 thoughts on “/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Massacre of Death Metal’s Mainstream”

  1. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

    I mean, at least it isn’t the same line copy-pasted over and over this time.

  2. Charles Stuart says:

    Round them all up and turn them over to the tender mercies of NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist!

  3. NH says:

    Quotes being discussed

    “No death metal band should have 1 million Facebook likes! No death metal band should be on Facebook at all! Pussies!”

    and

    “If you want to sell a shitload of metal records, be a faggot and change your style to faggot music after at least one album. If you want to be death metal, don’t be a faggot. You won’t have a million Facebook fans, and that’s a fucking good thing!”

    Robert de Sandford, I applaud your disgust for these bands but I am going to describe why these particular quotes are poisonous and do far more damage to metal. I HIGHLY recommend that this site banish this attitude, as this attitude has destroyed metal more than any other and contradicts the heroic.

    First, I do not blame you on speaking this ill spirit as it is a meme that has possessed many, and often people don’t realize they are under its influence. It is a spirit of wasting away and it is indeed destroying the best of the arts. I grew up in the meme of “don’t sell out” and a general attitude of retreating from greater success. Big labels and fame were considered poison to the best of art. The meme was a popular one that many gobbled up without thinking twice of its origin or greater unfolding results – poverty of arts and weaker over best. It is the attitude of the weak, the Go Nowhere man. The pussy. The faggot.

    While not the origin of this attitude but definitely a huge grounding generator of preaching this attitude, “Maximum Rock n Roll” made a career of it. MMR was run by Tim Yohannan. Yohannan was initially a 1960s counterculture-era leftist. He also considered himself a a self-appointed “punks’ herdsman” (This is Metal Sucks today) While not the origin of this deadbeat attitude, MMR was a source that considered fame, power and the major label as the ruiner of art. They would not accept any advertising from a major label or subsidiary. This attitude became a popularizing force, and possessed many. As it seemed to say the Underground was going to produce the best. In the end this attitude destroyed MMR itself.

    Capitalism
    The attitude “don’t sell out”, is not an attitude of “don’t make a living”. It means don’t sacrifice your values, but if shitty faggot punk and metal has placed a value of “don’t make money and avoid fame” within its values than suddenly a person believes it is a virtue to not create wealth and fame. Often this attitude against wealth begins to believe “capitalism” is a horror, and to avoid dealing with capitalism as a good.

    Capitalism is a battlefield. It is life. The reason their are 10 shitty bands at the top is due to the devices of battle they wield in capitalism. They have publicity machines, and market output (magazines, websites) that focus on their efforts and ignore the competition. Do not flee from the battle rather aim to be on top. The best may be stifled but that is no reason to retreat to a basement or even avoid trying to become as big a force. To flee and hide goes against the Christian values this site seems to now promote (See the parable of Gold Coins), and also against the greater Indo European (Pagan) history of people speaking your fame.

    The best, the aristocracy of metal should not avoid 1 million likes and big houses, they should aim for the very top, the most heroic level. If they are at the bottom, hidden away, this means a greater battle must occur on the field of capitalism. The word of the greater art must be known, not hidden. Slayer was on a major label. The hero deals with each tool in front of them. They do not retreat. Slayer aimed for the world. If a best floats unknown, it is lacking a best promoter, or voice. These shitty bands triumph because they have an infrastructure of promotion assuring they are seen and their competitors are not. That is the war to fight! Do not retreat like pussies and aim for even less fame! If the shitty band has 1 million likes gain 200 Million likes and fuck their women!

    ” You won’t have a million Facebook fans, and that’s a fucking good thing!””

    Metal came from fame, wealth, and heroic feats of art and decayed when it took this marxist fleeing MMR attitude.

    1. S.C. says:

      Treating art like business is indisputably what most perverts art. This idea that artists feel they should be able to survive off their art is what is the greatest idiocy. Art is expression and comes from those moments when survival is not at risk; the moments when when one can take a deep breath and not worry, or even celebrate because survival has been taken care of. From a conservative and realistic perspective art is completely worthless. So realistically artists should only be making art once survival is taken care of (i.e. working a real job) and purely for its own sake. When making money one should, and most often will, do whatever it takes. Slayer may have been on large labels but they didn’t achieve all their wealth fame on their first albums, which are regarded as their best by the discerning listener. They achieved them through a career of compromise in order to stay relevant and keep making money. They did whatever it took to make their money, but as a consequence they had to compromise their artistic integrity. They couldn’t call it quits if they ever felt like their quality ideas had run dry and they wanted to preserve a quality legacy. They had to keep it going no matter what because that was their survival. Business and art should never have anything to do with each other, for one will always have to compromise itself for the other.

    2. Charles Stuart says:

      “The best, the aristocracy of metal should not avoid 1 million likes and big houses, they should aim for the very top, the most heroic level.”

      Basically, metal should become Beyonce?

      Your attitude reminds me of this quote from Nietzsche’s Twilight of the Idols:

      “What? You seek something? You wish to multiply yourself tenfold, a hundredfold? You seek followers? Seek zeros!”

    3. TheLord says:

      The best metal is underground, Slayer was GOD in 85 with Hell Awaits not in 86 with reign in blood which is still good tho. Just go back to making paypa and taking selfies boi, I hope you at least lift bruh!

  4. Les Légions Noires: le compte officiel says:

    Templars were all virgin.

    1. Nicholas Vahdias says:

      Arrêtez de toucher le RSA et allez travailler bande flemmards!!!

      1. Brock Dorsey says:

        Allah Ahkbar!!!

    2. canadaspaceman says:

      Les Légions Noires: le compte officiel says:’Templars were all virgin.’
      um, what proof do you need. The ancestors, if they are here, are smart enough, and would not answer you, but also, all of us would like to see your gawdamn arrogant ass in a car accident.
      through no fault anyone’s.

  5. I am the wack blizzards says:

    Lmao but Lord worm’s vocals aren’t shitty you spastic

    1. As dookie rains from the sky... says:

      They’re pretty fucking fantastic, really. Fucking protestants.

  6. slaughter lord says:

    I’ve never listened to any of these albums (not even cannibal corpse’s)…

    1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

      All of it is shemalecore.

  7. Robert says:

    Brett, please get back to writing reviews and fire this Christian scum.

  8. Daniyal Mallrat, Bork Dopey and their many sock IDs being lined up against the walls of Auschwitz for public execution says:

    Por que negrito?

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