A.H.A.B. Movement Takes Over America

Following weeks of unrest, quarantine, government debt, and widespread distrust of social institutions, many Americans have taken the infinity black pill and joined a movement with zero use for hope: AHAB or “All Humans Are Bastards.” Not surprisingly, this has concerned law enforcement.

“Your average political group is mostly inert,” said Ramsey Davis at the FBI. “They have no actionable plan, so they sit around talking about violence until one of them gets a girlfriend, then they break up. But AHAB, that’s a different story because their views are immediately and easily acted upon.”

An AHAB manifesto received by DMN reads: “Our goal is simple: neutralize the destructive human species by killing off anyone who is intelligent, competent, or morally aware. Unlike the Left, we do not want to seize power. Unlike the Right, we do not want to protect the elites. We want to make humanity back into hominids.”

Hominids, for our readers who slept through that day in life sciences, were the proto-human creatures that wandered the planet, capable only of simple tools and as a result, frequently getting eaten by other animals. “The simple answer to all our problem is that just about all of us are selfish, manipulative, narcissistic liars and therefore, we must die,” reads the manifesto.

Davis cuts through the seven pages of dense text. “The point they make is that humans deceptive, especially to ourselves, so that makes us dangerous when we’re smart,” the field agent says. “Their plan for that is to cull anyone with an IQ over 90, anyone who is naturally talented, and all those who are competent.”

This reduction of human competence will, according to the AHAB group, result in humans becoming dumber, slower, simpler, and less able to handle technology more advanced than “bone flutes and stone axes.” As Davis is quick to point out, “they don’t believe in anything, and they want a planet with an average IQ of 70 where people are monkeys.”

Unfortunately for educators, this has led to AHAB spreading wildly in schools and among young people without professional jobs, according to Theresa Guzman-Heisenberg, spokesperson for the Union of Academic Disciplinarians of America (UADA). “To join, you just find someone more talented than you, and kill them,” she said.

“It’s not that different from a gang initiation, but it’s a lot easier than Antifa or Nazi groups. For those, you need to buy some stuff, memorize their dogma, and go to meetings and riots. To join AHAB, you only need to find some random person who is more attractive, more intelligent, or more together than you are and blitz attack them.”

As these killings proliferate across America, according to Davis, they leave behind many unsolved cold cases that never will be solved. “Hardest type of case to close,” he says. “The random one: suspect and killer never knew each other. We’re seeing a lot of these lately, and a lot of those have that AHAB graffiti near where we find the victim.”

DMN reached out to dozens of alleged AHAB members but was unable to secure a single interview. “Journalists? Yeah, you guys are safe from us,” said one prospect. “You’re basically full-on retarded already. No one is going to talk to you because there’s no point in killing you. Follow around some cheerleaders or honor students though…” he said ominously, before walking into the city twilight between a factory and an insane asylum.

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4 thoughts on “A.H.A.B. Movement Takes Over America”

  1. Spaniard says:

    Here is AHAB’s anthem:

    Soundtrack of the devolution.

    1. HLM says:

      I can certainly see the link between low intelligence and the song you posted. AHAB

  2. darg says:


  3. This planet is a petri dish awaiting sterilizatioh says:

    Why not go a step further? Unfortunately this requires some amount of intelligence.

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