Following up on its successful hand-print payment technology, Amazon today announced that it would borrow an idea from smart toilets and allow users to check out at their regular stores by using an anal scan.
“AnusPrint™ is just like our HandPrint™ technology,” said Jeff Bezos to a cheering crowd in San Francisco, “except that instead of waving your hands at the register, you drop you pants and let a laser quickly scan your anus. Human anal prints are unique to the individual and are difficult to forge, and you can never forget them!”
Among technology companies, the race to develop new biometric payment methods has reached a fever pace, since many believe that the future involves no cash, credit cards, or passwords that can be coerced from you or stolen, but using features of our bodies that are mathematically unique to the individual.
“You, and only you, possess your anus,” said Amazon director of product technology Soyboy O’Fruitberg. “Its print will not be found on any other human individual. It cannot be removed or duplicated. For this reason, a quick laser scan of your stinky winky sphincter means that you can pay anywhere without having to carry cumbersome coins, bills, cards, or dongles.”
Some believe that the technology may find itself limited to places obsessed with sodomy and nudity such as San Francisco, where it is not unusual for freshly-sodomized customers to remove cash from their digestive pocket to pay for liquor, lottery tickets, and other rare items of value in post-Obama America.
“This is just not going to catch on in most of the country,” said CNN anchor Manuel Phagan-Sanchez. “In San Francisco, having your anus exposed qualifies as fairly normal behavior, but not so in Fresno or Kenosha.”
Mary Sullivan-Perez begs to differ. A technology analyst for CNET, she believes that the inherent security of the AnusPrint™ technology means that it will become ubiquitous. “Nothing else offers this level of security or convenience,” she said. “Just be sure to wipe carefully so you get a clean scan, and it’s off to the races!”