Depressive Suicidal Black Metal (DSBM) Should Just Kill Itself

You know you live in an era of shitheads when people start conversations by saying “To be honest,” implying they are normally not honest.

Contrary to rumor, I am not autistic, but simply a flaming realist. I like to see things as accurately as possible, given the massive limitations of being human and being small in a large world. Realism means we tell the brutal truth even if it hurts feelings and upsets others.

If we are being honest, we can admit that most people are idiots and this idiocy leads them to be dishonest because they think they can somehow hoodwink time and logic just because they have personal drama which they (being idiots) think will improve their lives if they act it out.

Coincidentally, we reach a new realization: almost everything that is popular is utter garbage. Budweiser, Marlboro, megachurches, Leftism, SUVs, democracy, soda pop, aromatic tobaccos, Applebee’s, grocery store “bread,” pro-life protests, jobs, indie rock, and humanism… all refuse for tools.

Some things are popular but also good, like select parts of the Taco Bell menu or stray bullets in the favela, but those are rare on the large scale of things.

Since we are being honest, we can admit that black metal was basically variations of the same proto-underground stuff that Celtic Frost, Bathory, Sodom, and Slayer were making, just with more minor key and slight melody, until the Nords came along.

The Nords — who took a break from participation trophies and consumerist welfare states to invent some great music — stretched out riffs, added more melody, and made drumming ambient. This created a framework in which they composed some excellent music and then burned out and faded away.

This created a problem, because the herd which lumbers along like a Downie ten years behind everyone else had just discovered black metal, so record labels were clamoring for new black metal. Record labels love stuff that is easy to produce because it is repetitive.

They wanted black metal to either be rock or punk music because those templates are so well-known that a given record label exec can wipe the cocaine off his nose, close the furry anal porn (F.A.P.) links on Chrome, and call up a dozen stooges and scabs and have them do a rip-off band.

How do you do a ripoff band? First, you master basic punk or rock; next, you come up with a quirky format like using a piccolo or having a “new” type of vocals; finally, you go through your record collection and rip off obscure bands for riffs, melodies, ideas, and rhythms.

A good collection of low-IQ musicians bumming around L.A. after their day jobs at target can excrete a passable punk and/or rock album in ten days. Add another four days to fake black metal technique and texture, and the label can puke out a cheap release that tons of idiots will buy.

Really, the record industry is no different than the fast food industry. Buy low, sell high. That means “adding value” which in the record industry consists entirely of novelty. “This album has a woman on vocals, so it’s unique and you should buy it!” is a typical pattern.

The first burst of morally cowardly mental retardation in black metal came in the form of “Depressive Suicidal Black Metal,” or music that ripped off the Burzum slow sweeping strum and used it to make boring, droning, and tuneless minor key music for self-pitying fat tards from the burbs.

People loved it because they love a chance to feel sorry for themselves. If you are a victim, you are ¡FUCKING ENTITLED! to eat another pint of ice cream, watch more power bottom swap porn on PornHub, drink more watery beer, or whatever else your sin of the week is, because you’re sad.

It’s like a blank check to do whatever you wanted to in the first place but knew was selfish, except that now you feel owed it because hey, you’re a victim. How do we know this? We know this because you pity yourself. How is this self-pity justified? Well, the world is bad… and stuff.

DSBM produced nothing but a non-stop torrent of drool that never came close to the quality of the original Nordic black metal wave. When it died out, the music industry did what it always does and went for punk with three-chord toneless grinding war metal.

After that, they just went straight to indie-rock, and called it “post-metal” in order to confuse everyone just long enough to bring in a new audience of Hot Topic rejects to spend Mummy’s tendie money on boring, droning sonic landscapes patterned after a Wal-mart parking lot: flat and full of losers and refuse.

But DSBM kicked in the door. Just like doom metal, which is usually — except for like four bands — just warmed over 70s rock played slowly for people too stoned to remember what is going on, it was popular with the dumbshits who make up most of our species.

As those who have inherited metal from a fractured past, since metal has been fake since the mid-90s, we owe it to ourselves to encourage DSBM to throw a row over a nearby branch and hang itself in a spasm of self-pity and urination. Let it go to a gagging death.

It’s either that or we as humanity finally mature and exterminate the lowest 90% of humans by quality, ushering in a new golden age where we get our act together, explore the stars, consolidate a philosophy, and evolve to be the supermen we secretly desire to be when not glutted with self-pity.


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27 thoughts on “Depressive Suicidal Black Metal (DSBM) Should Just Kill Itself”

  1. God is great says:


    Such evil man

    1. D.A.R.G. says:

      Roger Scruton provides a better, more philosophically grounded argument against Jazz than Evola.
      Evola simply screams “Negro decadent music!”

      1. Obscure Death Metal Warrior says:

        Try to play Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath without ambidextrous jazz-coordination. You can’t.

        1. ballsack melanoma says:

          That’s jazz technique; that doesn’t make Black Sabbath jazz anymore than the bongos in Spirit Caravan makes them a hippie drum circle band.

          The paradox of metal is that it’s an amalgamation of non-European roots (not entirely, but largely) that came together to embody European mythology identity in a new way.

          The lesson: a tiger born in a fish tank doesn’t magically become a fish. You can use techniques from garbage genres (like jazz) to make good music.

          1. Kekkonen says:

            The same could be said about prog/fusion bands as well.

      2. Thewaters says:

        Most of Scruton’s videos about music theory are excellent, indeed! Yes, I always found Evola”s criticism of Jazz to be unremarkable, veracity aside.

      3. ballsack melanoma says:

        and those 3 words are actually a better argument

    2. whatever is dead says:

      hate jazz?

      most jazz sucks, or is at least forgettable, just like most metal, or most anything else.

      have you not heard Machine Gun by Brotzmann? or Nuclear War by Sun Ra? some Monk? Mingus at Antibes? Chico Hamilton? Elvin Jones? I’ve seen Ravi Coltrane up so close he was blowing spit on me and he had a more solid presence than most metal musicians I’ve seen on stage (not to mention chops), same with George Clinton though and I like harsh noise too and I’m from the SF bay area so obviously I’m a decadent fool unworthy of the next golden age of man; you can safely forget about me and go back to reading.

      Speaking of reading, anyone read the Lucifer Principle by Howard Bloom? Just finished it and it was a good read.

  2. Bill Hopkins says:

    This reminds me of the anus of old…

  3. Johnny cab says:

    To be honest,

    I agree with your stated opinion.

  4. Flying Kites says:

    If you fancy cooking with wine, then use a bottle. Never purchase “cooking wine” styled bile in the grocery store. Holland House “Make it Bold” is terrible. In fact, it was the only choice up there besides store brand. If you can count the choices of foodstuffs offered by individual brands on one hand, you might already be living under socialism.

    1. Johan P says:

      Listen to this man.

  5. Frederick Dinkledick says:

    The present commenter’s words will be displayed once they have something worthwhile to say and they are able to articulate in a gentlemanly/ladylike manner.

  6. Jidan răpănos says:

    But SDBM has been dead for roughly a decade, this is basically beating off a dead horse. Even post-black metal is waning.

    1. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

      this TO BE HONEST

      1. Make BDSM, not DSBM says:

        I honestly concur, smh tbh fam.

  7. Sarcofago sucks ass says:

    The present commenter’s words will be displayed once they have something worthwhile to say and they are able to articulate in a gentlemanly/ladylike manner.

  8. Krabapple says:

    I don’t think it’s simply a case of feeling sorry for oneself but also the conceit that I’m listening to something that is apparently more interesting/raw/real then the more obvious option (emo, other ‘depressive’ music). Which in turn means that the number one commodity in ‘burgeoning underground scenes’ is the ‘quality’ of interesting/raw/real that people really buy into. That’s the big swindle.

    I think that there’s a bridge state between the record exec dude with coke though.

    Generally (at least in metal) you have somebody that’s listened to those who ‘talked the talk’, Burzu, Darkthrone, Mayhem, yada. Maybe they had a band that was directly inspired by the aforementioned quality acts but was so bland and uninspired that only a small group of scholastic fetishists bought into it and harp on it. This dude embittered by lack of success or purely believing in their ‘club status’ starts accelerating the ‘evolution’ of the genre- “its trve, by the fans for the fans!!” They don’t realize that this is really the democratization of the art.

    And thus ‘by the fans’ who only understood ‘that’ the music was invigorating but not ‘why’ ultimately serve as the seed for commercialization. I think once they’ve put out more palatable product THEN the record exec sees a gamable environment and begins to savor the lucre.

  9. Joe says:

    Well thought out article, and I appreciate the humor. Keep up the good work.

  10. Enzo says:

    zero dimes

  11. Ass says:

    Music is kinda overrated

  12. neutronhammer says:

    Agree with everything, but i take exception to that bit about Doom Metal. Do you see no merit in the first two Solitude Aeturnus and Solstice’s Lamentations or Will Of The Gods Is Great Power?
    A distinction needs to be made between Traditional Doom and outright Stoner metal. Yes, I understand that the boundaries can sometimes be hazy, but the emotional gravitas found in the best works of Saint Vitus, Gates of slumber and Reverend Bizarre should not be simply dismissed as warmed over 70’s rock.

    1. Kekkonen says:

      Solitude Aeturnus sounds like downer rock, or watered down doom, not a fan Lowes vocals either. Warning’s Watching from a Distance is a superior take on melancholic doom.
      Stoner metal is a vague category, the better bands such as Sleep and EW are blatant Sabbath-worship, while others are just hard rock with the fuzz pedal turned up. I have enjoyed Reverend Bizarre, but the band is self-referential to the point of being a blatant parody of the genre. It overstays its welcome more often than not.

      1. neutronhammer says:

        I can understand the criticism for the post Downfall albums, they do indeed have an almost grungy, bluesy fell which kind of puts me off. The first two SA albums are however beyond reproach in my book. An I agree about Warning, although the vocals can take some getting used to.
        So Long Suckers does meander on quite a bit,and could’ve done with a bit of trimming, but it isn’t quite like the meaning-less droning or drug-addled jams that we’ve come to see from stoner bands. It’s also completely free of slowed down hardcore-style riffs of of Sludge. Reverend Bizarre is still heavy Metal through and through.

        1. whatever is dead says:

          agreed about the first album, not familiar with the second.

  13. I think there are some genuinely good “DSBM” albums when considered on their own terms, but realistically they aren’t really METAL. I mean, 99% of the time they basically don’t have RIFFS. Metal is about RIFFS.

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