Do You Miss the Old School Girl Scouts “Thin Mints”? Try the Sprouts Mint Chip Malt Balls

Disclaimer: no one is going to pay us for any endorsements on this site, but just so you know, this poast is both unsolicited and unpaid.

Maybe you remember the Girl Scouts cookies from the pre-Clinton years: flavorful, two bucks for a large box, and available from innocent female children who could spot a red-eyed metalhead at twenty paces and walk away with a huge sale.

They went to crap in the second Clinton term like everything else. Sick of unions, taxes, regulations, and lawsuits American labor just hopped off-shore to China, which was fine with Bill Clinton since China paid for his first campaign. However, quality fell like a rock.

The nü-school Girl Scout cookies were waxy, relatively flavorless, and excessively sweet. They probably put COVID-92 in them, too, but it failed to take because most people just took the cookies home, ate one, and then stored the boxes in the attic until all the rats were dead.

The best of them were the “Thin Mints”: little wafers of dark chocolate, spicy spearmint, and an undertone of baked sugar sweetness that was both crisp and refreshing in the context of the blast of mint and bass notes of the chocolate. They were heavenly.

The last time I had a Thin Mint, once a bastion of minty goodness, it hit me hard how most of what I was tasting was wax. The chocolate was not very chocolatey; it tasted sort of like someone took all the used grounds from Starbucks, tossed them in a vat of high-fructose corn syrup, and then poured Pfizer Guaranteed Chocolate™ flavor all over them.

The price went up, too. It takes a lot of money to pay for all those administrators who seem to do nothing but attend meetings, write circular email chains, and make public statements about the new “stunning and brave” moves by the Girl Scouts to include transsexual Baphomet midgets in their program.

Like many of you, I am ambivalent about the store “Sprouts,” since its appeal seems to be that it looks and feels like a 1980s normal mid-sized city grocery store, just with a 50% markup. However, if you get that Thin Mints craving, these Mint Chip Malt Balls actually scratch the itch.

For starters, they are actually minty, and not just the wimpy homeopathic touch of mint that guides a waxy and sugary cookie to a legally plausible claim of being “mint-flavored.” The dark chocolate gets a little lost in the waves of sweetness and malty goodness, but stands out on its own.

You get the winning formula behind both that great old Baskin Robbins (did anyone else confuse this place and Dunkin Donuts? Dunkin had better coffee) “Mint Chocolate Chip” ice cream, and the 1980s and early 1990s Girl Scouts “Thin Mints.” Even better, these are in a smaller format, only 140 calories per six of them (and you will not need or want more than that, usually).

As time moves on, those who decide to trade on guilt or obligation go by the wayside. The Girl Scouts seem to think that we will keep buying inferior cookies because “it goes to charity,” but no one wants a bunch of landfill that tastes like wax. Hit up the Mint Chip Malt Balls instead.

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33 thoughts on “Do You Miss the Old School Girl Scouts “Thin Mints”? Try the Sprouts Mint Chip Malt Balls”

  1. Barbra Walters says:

    I love that you put “diabetes” as the first tag line :)

    On a possibly related note (this is a metal site, after all) I’ve been listening the hell out of Thy Mighty Contract lately. I’m not sure they were aiming for it, but it’s such an amazing example of musically expressing the episodic downgrades of civilization while the other half of what they perform within each track painstakingly and bravely ascends to something greater. The sincerity that comes through is epic and refreshing.

    Also, let’s face it: no discussion of Girl Scout cookies would be complete without the inclusion of Rotting Christ.

  2. WTF says:

    there is no girls scouts in my country

    1. Rodney King says:

      “They/Them” scouts?

  3. Cynical says:

    “The best of them were the “Thin Mints”: little wafers of dark chocolate, spicy spearmint, and an undertone of baked sugar sweetness that was both crisp and refreshing in the context of the blast of mint and bass notes of the chocolate. They were heavenly.”

    Nah, the Peanut Butter Patties were the best. The peanut butter and chocolate combination was unbelievably rich, but the crunch balanced it nicely. The new ones are awful though, just some light sweetness with none of the crunch.

    1. Sem says:

      Yes, Tagalongs are the preferred choice for metalheads

      1. I had to check on the AIDS-ridden Girl Scout Cookies types:

        The Lemonades, Trefoils, Tagalogs, and Samoas I remember well.

        The others are unknown.

        I haven’t had any in a couple decades because once they went to bullshit factor baking it was clear that I’d do better eating melamine-infused dog food.

  4. Leroy says:

    Sweets are gay. No man should actively seek them out.

    1. Slightly gay says:

      Lets be fair, sugar and caffeine is what keeps most on the barely functional side of things.

      1. Add alcohol, weed, Adderall, and nicotine and I think you’ve nailed it.

        1. what says:

          Drugs exist to kill the low life societal scum. Never stop the madness.

  5. You know at least dear Brett isn’t such a fascist/closet communist as he makes himself to be that he doesn’t allow for freedom of speech on his comment section. He writes a lot of angry bullshit, but at least he allows people to say what they wanna say.

    1. Brett, I am making a direct appeal to you right now. If you approve this comment, you are gay. Do not approve this comment (unless you are gay). If this comment is approved, you will be gay and there is no going back from that. It's over gayboy. says:

      I agree.

      1. I’m converting to Judaism, becoming trans-Black, and getting gay married just to give everyone the finger.

        Also: it will be a Catholic ceremony administered by an Irish priest.

        1. Or maybe a wop. Maybe even a spane? I could go for a Slav Catholic if they still have those. I think they all converted to Putinism.

          1. asshole says:

            Can’t understand your hate for the Irish tho, like if they where a problem bigger than your kosher masters. It is well known (at least by honest people) than your lovely country was founded and administrated (still) by the very worst possible turds dumped from the ass of Evropa, with the nice adding of negroid-slave diversity courtesy of your (((masters))) replacing the indigenous. “But but but the Irish dude! They ruined everything!” yeah sure, your ashkenazi country has nothing to be pride off when compared to the pre-christianized Ireland, at least they where once barbarian, u where always hooked nose rats with degenerate purposes.

            1. humorless paranoiac says:

              its clearly a joke utilizing self deprecating caricature to demonstrate the slippery slope of diversity since the irish are relatively compatible with western civilization according to berts weltanschauung

              1. …compatible when we ship all of their potato-stuffing faces off to North Africa where they belong. The Irish are our misfortune.

                1. wild cold deep black anus waves says:

                  you’re going to have to clarify your reasons for asserting that the descendants of ancient gaelic culture belong in africa if you want to convince anybody.

                  1. front flipping fuck says:

                    He plays the Irish card as the root of America’s ilnesses, minimizing the jewish question wich has been the biggest threat in every nation for centuries = not seeing the forest through the trees. The Irish just act as a scapegoat for the big picture, a clever move wich brings enough anti-diversity to the table without turning this site into NS and draging Mr. Stevens public image and status into a place of no return. “Can’t point the finger to the master without losing it, so lets critizize the tools used by him instead.”

                    1. I don’t think the Jewish Question makes sense or is accurate. This is my problem with it.

                      However, the idea that democracy and equality go off the rails every time they are tried? Consistent with history. Also consistent is the idea that every democracy eventually discovers diversity and therefore imports foreigners of some type of every type.

                      The point of the Hiberian Question is that the Irish were the first diverse group to split up the vote and cause chaos here. Amerinds and Negroes were basically non-participants, but once we had the Irish as voters and cannon fodder, doddering tyrants like Abraham Lincoln could create the modern state based on civil rights, essentially enforcing its will constantly through the demand that government make everyone equal.

                      As far as my public image, nothing can save that. I advocate frequently and routinely for ethno-nationalism, eugenics, anarcho-monarchism, strong capitalism, social hierarchy, and rule by culture including specific faiths for each ethnic group. This hits all of the sacred cows with a disconnected stoma drainage bag wrapped around a fireplace poker: diversity, equality, democracy, socialism, and universalist/dualist religions.

                      I accept that many involved in these things are well-meaning, but I cite the old Anglo homily that “the path to Hell is paved with good intentions.” I believe the pagans got it right, and religion is philosophy that can be told through stories without clear morals or some Dad-surrogate god who sweeps in and fixes everything by consumer magic. We must preserve the mystery. The more we claim to know, the less we know. We can trust our intuition that there is more to this world than the material, but that includes a purely physical dimension of meaning, and while it involves a divine force behind the world and an afterlife or reincarnation, that is added to what we know of the world, not a replacement for it as it is in metaphysically dualistic religions, a goal toward which all universalist religions tend because it is the only way they can explain the inequality of souls.

                      The principles that are consistent in this world will be there in the next, since both are governed by the same reality. This makes more sense than constructing a human social reality and projecting it into a boring and judgmental afterlife. In my view, most people including most Christians are simply Deists or agnostics, that is, people who intuit the existence of something godlike and want to keep the question open instead of rushing headlong into individualism, which manifests as egotism and materialism.

                      I think we’re all on the same side, but everything is confused by layers of interpretation which divide us. If people could look past their fears, biases, and the propaganda, they would see that I am correct about everything and, while it seems scary at first, the upside is greater than the downside. There will also be better quality metal.

                  2. Mostly because a population of people moved from North Africa, through Israel and Lebanon, along the Southern European coast, then made it to the UK and finally to Ireland, where they mixed with the neolithic population. The Irish are mostly Semitic as a result, and the right place for them would be right across the Mediterranean with their North African buddies.

            2. Doug says:

              Many native Europeans have said the States have the hottest chicks in the world (their words not mine).

        2. Kobe Bryant says:

          The final result?

          Then you can finally become fit to be a scout leader and turn that ship around. Starting with the Thin Mints, of course. You’ll be a hero.

  6. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    Do they come in Keto too?

  7. herve coriele says:

    let’s have some more bullshit on this site, it is not enough still

    1. I can’t hear you because my dick has clogged your upper digestive tract to the pyloric sphincter.

      We need some bullshit or we become fucking dour metal nerds like the faggoths and emotards floating around newer metal sites like Wikipedophile and Numetal-Archives.

      Lighten up, Francis. Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown. It’s Karla.

  8. Uncooked anus says:

    Except US residents, who eats this kind of shit? UK?

    1. Anyone who can get their hands on it. It’s LCD seductive.

  9. Gay and malty says:

    Brett, I tried these little minty fuckers last night and concur with your conclusions about then. Excellent recommendation.

    1. Gay and malty fist bump.

  10. Liz Cheney says:

    Well now I have to track down those malty balls of yours so I can get in on some gay fist action too. It sounds both delicious and possibly illegal in some states. Almost like devouring chocolate covered photos of snuff porn.

    1. I fully expect one of our insane elected leaders to make these illegal, so I’m stockpiling them in old ammo cans.

      1. Buddy Perkins says:


        In an odd way it reminds me of recently learning about Lemmy having some of his ashes loaded into bullets and sent off to close friends following his death. Insisting on those last wishes and not making them public is legendary. And of course the concept is awesome. Almost like a Viking funeral.

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