Hessian Throws Germany Into Chaos By Resisting Police

Rampant Hessian Yves Rauch baffled the mentally-addled citizens of democracy when he disarmed police sent to interfere with his entirely innocent lifestyle.

The cops were sent by some nagging sitzpinkel citizens out of fear that someone had escaped the modern tax slavery of jobs:

Police had been called to a forest hut on the outskirts of Oppenau, in Baden-Württemberg after sightings of a “suspicious” figure in combat gear and carrying a bow and arrows, but were caught off guard when the man pulled a gun on them.

Rauch, wearing an Ensiferum tshirt in his public photo, is a known dropout from the toxic and ecocidal modern lifestyle:

A two-page text calling for a “harmonious life in and within nature” that Rausch reportedly left behind at a local restaurant, has been described in some German media as his “manifesto”.

The newspaper Bild said the contents of the text bore close resemblance to the 35,000 word neo-Luddite essay Industrial Society and Its Future by Theodore Kaczynski, better known as the Unabomber, who tried to spark a revolution in the US with a nationwide bombing campaign between 1978 and 1995.

However, police said on Friday they did not believe Rausch to be the author of the text left behind at the restaurant.

He apparently dislikes other parts of modern society as well:

According to Der Spiegel magazine, Rausch was convicted of “incitement of the people” as a 15-year-old, after doctoring a sign on a building to read “Jews away”.

Prank or political statement? No one knows, since the police are busy trying to hunt this guy down instead of merely asking him.

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15 thoughts on “Hessian Throws Germany Into Chaos By Resisting Police”

  1. War Turd says:

    Yes, 0.00000001% of the population will make a difference in eternity to cum! Be sure to keep us updated Brett, we don’t want your useless existence fading away now do we?

  2. Flying Kites says:

    Situations like this are the legitimacy for military elites pursuing and kidnapping dissidents in foreign countries. Wrapping up the fall of democracy and other regimes of egalitarianism by getting in a nation and stealing them away so that those governments quicken their purity spirals into collapse. Take away the dissidents, strengthening them in isolation from their perceived goals, and allowing the governments they attack to weaken themselves looking for enemies of their own creation.

  3. Join us! says:

    There’s no one that can’t be bought by an endless supply of free beer, pizza and porn.

    1. What kind of beer? Pizza and porn I can do without.

      1. Join us! says:

        The most watery fermented bitter piss that can be found. So basically any lager/pilsner.

        1. Porter legions unite!

          1. Flying Kites says:


            Polan Stronk Bier

            Zywiec and Black Boss are ones to seek out. I picked up a case of 20 Zywiec for 42 ducats once, but dropped it.

            1. I’m going to have to hunt that one down at our local liquor shack. Looks promising…

  4. German Rambo says:

    > Hessian
    > Ensiferum Shirt

    1. Everyone’s got to start somewhere. I’m sure if he knew it was going to be his booking photo, he would have worn his “Legion” longsleeve.

  5. Doug says:

    I can’t imagine squandering one’s youth with a bald head. Chicks dig hair and it triggers the living hell out of people. Men should consider bucking the short/bald trend and lead a healthy lifestyle that will prevent hair loss.

    1. Infantophilia says:

      Being bald has its upsides.

      1. Doug says:

        Yves sure seems to be making the most of it, but it blows my mind how bald (or extremely short) has become the norm, as if we’re actually ashamed of this built-in adornment. Less competition for the well-haired though, I guess!

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