Metal “journalism”: incoherent garbage

This reviewer noted something many of us have seen — that of the multitude of blogs, sites, magazines, etc. no one actually knows much about the music. They take two lines and a concept from the press release, and then blow that into a chatty review, in the meantime missing the point.

Here’s Ray Miller from Metal Curse on the incompetence of metal journalists:

I am fucking sick of reading bullshit reviews of this album written by clueless dickholes who all seem to think that this is the first time Cianide has ever played at a pace any faster than Godzilla’s slow march to Toyko to rape the Diet building. Satan’s speed is Cianide’s speed, you hydrocephalic living abortions! Go listen to “Human Cesspool” or anything from 1996’s Rage War (I don’t think anything here is faster than “Deadly Spawn”) onward for examples of Chicago’s Most Brutal kicking 666 spectrums of ass at whatever tempos they see fit. Almost all of the band’s previous album, 2005’s Hell’s Rebirth, is this fast or beyond. – Cianide – Gods of Death

This is him writing about the new Cianide (which is great) that has gone over the heads of most reviewers who have no idea why it’s (a) good and (b) deserves attention, but most of all are easily distracted and so have wandered over to the metalcore band that uses a harp and a female vocalist and are gushing over its mediocre music (but excellent production! ironic instrumentation! groovy name! good back-story!) instead.

Metal journalism is incompetent because record labels simply imported a new audience — hipsters — to replace metalheads. The new people have no clue and so they gush, drool, and gibber excitedly over trivial stuff. The labels don’t care — they just want a nice easy extension of their press releases. They might have had opposition back when metalheads chose magazines carefully, and read informative websites only; now, the endless sea of blogs is excited chatter with no substance, and that’s perfect for marketing.

0 thoughts on “Metal “journalism”: incoherent garbage”

  1. Mastodon is pure hessian brutal reality. says:

    The truth is metalheads grew up, got jobs, became business owners. Hipsters are the new thing where it’s edgy yet safe to be one. If you don’t have hipsters buying your music, you’re not selling dick. No hipsters equals a barely viable metal scene. Sad but true.

  2. truth says:

    Hipsters don’t exist. It’s just another marketing myth that some kids with low self-esteem have bought into. You guys, though, dwell on it in order to otherize anything that doesn’t suit your taste–rock, “indie”, sludge metal, metalcore, whatever. The sad fact is you WANT hipsters to exist because you use the marketing myth as leverage to legitimize yourselves. Just like metalheads 10 years ago desperately wanted the “emo” image to endear so they’d have an easy Other to point at.

  3. brutal slayer of christians, noble hessian warrior of death says:

    metal is the modern representation of classical music. metal is concerned with modes and emotion, which plays out in metal song structure. instead of the cyclical repetition of pop music, metal songs tend to go through phases. I’m mainly talking about death and black metal at this point, because what both genres did that the previous genres of metal didn’t do was break down and destroy typical verse/chorus song structure and replaced it with, well, whatever the fuck they wanted. riffs in death/black metal are concerned with motif, rather than on catchiness, much like classical music. Not that catchiness doesn’t play a role(one needs to have something to latch on to), but death/black metal in particular are concerned with the bigger picture. They are concerned with the mood of the piece, rather than it’s sing-along qualities. Sound like classical music? Does to me. This is probably due in part to both death and black metal’s origins of trying to recreate horror movie style musical progressions and feeling(death metal) and horror movie feelings of darkness and evil(black metal). Death metal is Night of the Living Dead, Black metal is Nosferatu. etc.

    I pointed out the not-so-obvious reasons why this music is so close to classical. The obvious reasons are that well, aside from 70s prog rock, metal was the first(pretty much only/was also partially born out of prog rock, btw) modern genre of music to just incorporate classical music right into the song structure, especially in the guitar soloing. How do you think Judas Priest and Iron Maiden learned the twin guitar attack? Straight from classical music. There’s that and the super obvious reason that well, plenty of metal bands use symphonic/orchestral sounds in the music. etc.

  4. lame, lame, lame, lame says:

    >bitching about “hipsters” again

  5. refutation forthcoming says:

    lol @ brutal gayer actually buying into prozak’s bullshit and quoting it word for word

  6. lol says:

    “Classical” has come a long way from Prozak’s darlings like Bruckner, Beethoven, and needlessly ornate Italian baroque composers, you know. Ever heard Schoenberg? Your band could have the most subtle motivistic development in the world and that doesn’t mean you’re not raking the same barren yard as millions of others.

    Some crude ~~”classical”~~ influence isn’t an instant badge of intellectual weight and artistry. There also needs to be a guiding concept more substantial than INFERNAL WARRIOR OF DEATH RAAARHHH.

  7. metal has NOTHING to do with classical, non-standard song structures != classical influence says:

  8. nope says:

    >metal is the modern representation of classical music.

    Sorry, that would be experimental and serious electronic music. It’s a really easy line to trace from guys like Stravinsky, to Xenakis, to 70s electronic bands like Cluster, to avant-garde bands like NWW and Coil, etc.

  9. goddamn blackened melodic deathcore with electronica says:

    The sad thing is I know of more Hipster Metalheads in real life than I do Traditionalist Meatalheads.

    More people listen to indie rock and metalcore than I know of people who listen to Iron Maiden and Metallica.

  10. no one cares says:

    oh no your precious entertainment and bands only 14 people have heard of are reviewed the wrong way!

    the reason people like the other bands isn’t for the frills (shit like cianide has it in its own way, “oldschool” image etc.), it’s because the music is much, much, better. deal with it.

  11. @brutal sucker of dicks, mobile depression snorter of meth says:

    The only bands from the DLA that have anything in common with classical are Massacra, Incantation, Darkthrone (pretty much all of the Norwegian scene, Sacramentum (very obvious in “Far Away From the Sun”), Ceremonium, Mastodon, all the Swedish death metal bands, a few finnish bands and a few others.

    The rest is just bullshit gargling vocals with no direction in the musicianship. Horrible songwriting and droning nonsense.

    A lot of the DLA is really good and relative to classical but a lot of it is pure shit too.

  12. to above idiot says:

    Sacramentum is a load of random Iron Maiden harmonies with no sense of context and no actual DEVELOPMENT of motif, just riff after random riff. Mastodon is just prog rock worship. Sorry, you’re wrong.

  13. jub-jub says:


    The only thing this Kreator clone has in common with classical is stealing Gounod’s soldier’s chorus for an intro. That’s it.

    Here’s some non-classical music actually influenced by classical. Notice the complete lack of resemblance to anything metal, especially Blaspherian and Massacra. It’s like the opposite pole.

  14. at jub-jub says:

    Hahha, what a piece of shit. It’s just a goofy fugue with lyrics. It sounds like Katamari music. You should be ashamed.

  15. @above idiot says:

    Sacramentum is motif with organized phrasal riffing that evokes melody quite similiar to classical.

    Case in point:

    Mastodon is hard to categorize. I would say sludgy, progressive groove metal. There’s nothing “rock” about these hessians.

    Sorry, you’re not a metalhead. Yet, you do deserve a medal……..and a dunce cap.

  16. delusions of the aspie brain says:

    The melody in that is brick-dumb retarded. Holy shit, it’s like played in quarter notes, like some moron is just learning the piece, but of course it’s just trying to fit into the cage of the blastbeat. No intonation, nothing interesting at all. Have you douches listened to any Power Metal? If you think this is classical influenced and you would have, your minds would be blown away.

    Oh, and I doubt Swedish 14 year olds cared about sounding like classical music or stuff the old folks listened to. You’re projecting things that aren’t there.

  17. Hessian Pride! ⚣ says:

    I urge all Hessians to show a professional classical musician their music (Incantation, Beherit, etc.) and try to convince them that it is the spiritual successor of classical. But please film it while you do it, I could really use the laugh.

  18. You're all idiots says:

    If you want to listen to something like Classical. . . just cut the bullshit and listen to Bach. Fuck metal and “serious electronic music”.

  19. Every night, I take a power metal in the toilet then I flush. says:

    Power metal sucks.

  20. lol @ death metal having anything to do with classical says:

    Do you record it and compile them for release as death metal cds?

  21. @You're all idiots says:

    Or maybe a genre can take influence from something while having its own virtues?


    Fucking moron.

  22. Moar liek GIANT FAGGOT says:

    Gentle Giant?

  23. @@You're all idiots says:

    Touched a nerve, eh? What kind of virtues does metal have apart from drinking beer and worshipping Satan to piss of your parents? Metal is derived from blues, just ask innovators of the genre Black Sabbath – a former blues band. It has nothing to do with Classical music.

    ANUS says Metal is the heir to Classical music, specifically Romantic era music: this is BS, almost all those composers were Christian and sympathetic to the Enlightenment. They would be repulsed by Satanic, pagan, fascistic etc. Metal bands.

  24. is an embarrassment to metal says:

    That new Cianide album is crap and you’re a fucking idiot. Generic riffs that go nowhere and could’ve been written by an 11 year old me, lazy songwriting, pretty much nondescript, shitty comic book osdm.

    Let me introduce you to some actual talent:



  26. Mastodon is pure hessian metal says:

    The Chasm is actually really, really good! Wetback metal! Fuckin’ awesome!

  27. anti-"hessian", just a metal enthusiast says:

    Cianide has always sucked hard, what did you expect? Garbage in, garbage out.

  28. Lord Aspie of the Solitary Base_ment says:

    I have been a metal head for over two decades now. It has not been an easy ride. I have sacrificed many of the life experiences that make you a “normal” person in order to dedicate myself entirely to being a true metalhead.

    I do not have friends except “Reign in Blood” and “Blood Fire Death”. My hand is, has been and will continue to be my only girl friend. People dislike me.

    Do I regret having dedicated my life to underground metal? No fucking way! Not one single day. I would never change the transcendental cathartic emotions of listening to Dark Throne’s 3rd or Summoning’s 2nd, at midnight in the darkness of my bedroom!

    I have never seen a hipster in my life nor do I care about their existence. However, I have earned my right to pity the fools who do not know what real metal is, just as much as they pity me for being what I am.

  29. JuggaloHomie14/88 says:

    I see you still choose to ignore horrorcore. Here are some more excellent superdark tracks, please give them a chance. Horrorcore is the logical continuation of black and death metal. New evil music for the millennium, taking the darkest elements of contemporary music and making something entirely new and more extreme than anything you’ve ever heard before!

Classic reviews: