Mock Heaven

Metal is caught between the leaders and the hamsters.

Every time the leaders come up with something good, the hamsters clone it to death and make it meaningless.

Black Sabbath, 1970… followed by a string of real AOR-styled bullshit heavy metal.

NWOBHM, 1976… followed by a string of cheesy imitators peaking in hair metal.

Metallica, 1983… followed by a string of clones.

Death metal, 1989… followed by a horde of horrible clones.

Black metal, 1992… and we all know what happened.

Everything since has been clone. Why? Metal’s image is so powerful, sometimes we get hung up on it. Trying to re-live the past.

Behemoth frontman Nergal has been found innocent of charges relating to tearing a Bible on stage in his native Poland.

The nation has strict laws against offending religious feelings and Nergal, real name Adam Darski, was charged following a concert in Gdynia in 2007 after he called the Catholic Church “the most murderous cult on the planet” then referred to the Bible as “a book of lies” before tearing pages out of a copy. – Rock News Desk

When Slayer busted out Satanic lyrics in the 1980s, they were taking the cue from Angel Witch, Judas Priest, and Black Sabbath and making mythologies of the world’s end. They were revealing our inner bankruptcy and what we should be paying attention to, but instead of ranting out details like angry leftist punk bands (all leftists are delusional: anarchists, communists, democrats, socialists, libertarians, communitarians, and even apolitical humanists; humans are NOT more important than nature or the order of the cosmos) they looked at the big picture.

Now it has been cloned to death. It went from mythology to orthodoxy during the last days of black metal, and now it’s as Politically Correct as saying “but democracy will cure them” whenever you read about a revolution. It’s overdone. If you want to fight Christianity, this is not the way. If you want to find a better life, this isn’t helping. All you’re doing is becoming caricatures of yourselves.

What made metal great wasn’t its destruction of idols, but the thinking outside of the box, looking for adventure beyond the safety zone of human-centric thinking — whatever form that took, whether populist Christianity, fear of Satanists, democracy, socialism, being nice to people, comforting aesthetics, whatever.

If you want your genre back, stop aping the past. Put what it had — a mythology of greatness, heroism, adventure and amorality — to good use. Embrace nihilism. The human drama doesn’t matter. The ongoing drama of life moving from primitive origins to future possibilities, even if those contain orders “of the past,” is. Allahu ackbar!

0 thoughts on “Mock Heaven”

  1. doesn't anyone listen to interesting metal anymore says:

    >Black Sabbath
    >Judas Priest
    >this shit again

    Mention Blind Guardian in a next article. Or Månegarm. I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker.

  2. yeah says:

    >Everything since has been clone.

    And no it hasn’t. You live under a fucking box. Listen to Baroness some time, chief, that is absolutely excellent metal. Really impressive and authentic, actually.

  3. Lord Aspie of the Solitary Base_ment says:

    I think the watering down of an original idea by endless cloning is typical of all the genres under the Rock umbrella. Same thing occured to prog rock in the early 70’s and the same thing happened to Chuck Berry in the mid 50’s.

    Maybe because Rock music was a medium to make money in the music business since the early 20’s and continued that way to and through Metal music. It will continue ad infinitum through all music of the Rock family.

    Good thing us career Hessians that only collect cult vinyl and ultra rare tapes from the formative years of metal have nothing to worry about. I have read the entire anus webpage a thousand times since 1996 that I am immune to posts like this one. However I agree with you whole-heartedly.

    I used to hate posers and fakies (I’ve never seen a hipster in my life) but on second thought, they make me feel good about myself because it gives me the chance to pity them for not having my superior taste in metal; since my life is quite lonely down here in my base_ment, I do need that.

  4. @ yeah says:

    I like to slurp jizz with my buddies. We listen to Baroness and we think it’s metal. We’re not idiots just gay guys too busy sucking cock to know what real metal is…

  5. Post-Rock Fan says:

    I love Baroness. I love bands that mix metal with indie and post-rock leanings. Off the same branch I love anal play. I love the feeling of three dill pickles stretching my ass in ecstasy. Anal play that mixes anal milk with pickle juice leanings…I could just cum off the thought. My playlist for a ripped rectum you might ask? Baroness, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Explosions in the Sky, Panopticon and of course Ulver. Before you do this remember to take a jog, drink some water, and drink some coffee. Let me know how this experience works out for you.

  6. lol says:

    >Off the same branch I love anal play.

    Stopped reading there. Ugh.

    Then again, this is a site that still harps about “DURRR DESTROY CHRISTIANITY”. Give it a rest, bro. No one cares.

    lol, remember when there were threads in the Metal Hall where people, even the mods, were advocating going to church, christianity, etc? What the fuck was up with that? You guys are clueless, wandering imbeciles. I bet you were raised by broken families.

  7. metal enthusiast says:

    OK, that’s it. I was going to introduce you guys nicely to this band, even pretend to be clueless and politely ask what you thought of them. Instead, just listen to this song. THIS is how “narrative” metal is done. This is a song that goes places and tells a story. Everything about this band’s artistic vision is tight as can be. The cover art is drawn by the singer and illustrates characters and concepts from the album. There’s no tropes here, no monotony, no cliches, no childishness, no “evil” or “tough” posturing. If you want to talk about metal as art, this is it right here.

    Listen to the whole song, the lyrical passages are superb. The part at 2:35 is my favourite.

    Here’s some other great songs you might enjoy. This band’s sound is so powerful and at the same time can be “bright”, or conveying so many different moods, it’s a conceptual heaven.

    But really, I highly suggest getting the whole album and giving it a whirl. To me it’s a shame they’re not more well known, I think they’re such a talented and creative band that are really pushing metal as serious art yet at the same time clearly enjoying it, which is what it should be about. But I’ll leave you to judge for yourselves.

  8. Sadistic Metal Reviews@met says:

    “Baroness – The Blue Record

    Oh neat, an emo/stoner metal hybrid with lots of indie and punk rock touches. If you can imagine Neurosis and Jawbreaker making sweet love with newer Sleep, and throwing in tons of stuff from the heavy metal and indie rock canons, you’ll have a good image of what this cheeseball release has to offer. From the way the labels and the big industry reviewers — who have about five minutes to hear each CD, and put them on in the background while socializing for two weeks, then forget about them — went on about this CD, you’d think it was the second coming of innovation itself. Instead, it’s stale and completely loses what’s good about metal and punk, converging on a mean that’s closer to your run-of-the-mill hipster band. This is awful.”

    u mad

  9. Sadistic Metal Reviews@metal enthusiast* says:

    fix’d name

  10. not mad. just disappoint. says:

    I said judge for yourselves, sheeple. The guy reviewing that is an idiot. Completely missed the point, and wrong on every count. Sounds more like he’s trying to throw as much vitriol at the album in as many different ways as possible (“cheesbeall”, “hipster”, “emo”, “indie” etc. and other bad words in metal, completely irrelevant here mind you) insead of actually listening to the music. His loss, I guess. I’m sure he’s overpraising some shitty Von or crust punk clone now.

    For the record, I don’t hear anything from either metal or indie rock canons here. This isn’t The Sword. There are no blastbeats, whiny vocals, christraping lyrics, conceited attitudes, and so on and so forth.

  11. yeah says:

    Oh, nevermind, you’re just quoting ASPO/Conserautist. No wonder that guy sounded like such a bitter aspie.

  12. VON says:


  13. lol says:

    >humans are NOT more important than nature or the order of the cosmos

    Cool story, but what does this have to do with leftism, window-licker? It’s the right who think they’re god’s only special children in the universe.

  14. viking LARPers are virgins says:

    Månegarm is a great band.

    For an 11 year old to listen to.

    At preschool.

  15. this is tripe says:

    Will you guys ever move past vague catchphrases, or at least dare to elaborate on any of them? “Human drama”? What exactly is that and how is any sort of angry, Jesus-hating music meant to scare mom and dad above it?

  16. MOCK HEAVEN... Rad, dude! Mom wil totally FREAK! says:

    Basically anything that rubs your aspie feathers the wrong way can be lumped up as some leftist, Christian, “ego-oriented” Other, I suppose? Very convenient!!!

  17. derp says:

    Music was so good 20 years ago and now it sucks.

  18. depty-dy derp derp says:

    If you want good metal, embrace nihilism.

  19. Mastodon guy says:

    Yeah Baroness is pretty shitty. So is The Sword and all those other shitty stoner “metal” bands. Just listen to Mastodon’s first two LPs and their demo/EP. You’ll be okay then.

  20. you are a faggot says:

    >humans are NOT more important than nature

    Yes we are. We subdued the planet. Go fuck a yourself with a branch, hippie. Just because you’re a sociopathic aspie doesn’t mean everyone else should deny their humanity or whatever.

  21. you're probably a homo anyway says:

    I listened to Mastodon, it’s actually pretty shit and way too metalcore. Baroness does it better, I don’t know where you see the “stoner” in that but whatever.

  22. Digger Nick says:

    >subdued the planet
    >bears wandering into cities bringin back the natural selections

    Disastrous Murmer anyone?

  23. yeah, you'd know a lot about "bears", wouldn't you, faggot says:

    >bear gets put down
    >all’s right with the world


  24. nice one, fags says:

    “Embrace nihilism.”

    – Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons Arcade Game

  25. QUIZ THE FAGS says:

    If my asshole is bleeding while I’m getting fucked, then:

    1)I need to remember to buy more anal lube

    2)I need to stop hanging around Baroness fans

    3)I shouldn’t mind, a bleeding asshole is normal, after all I’m a Baroness fan


  26. Prozie? Is that you? you are back?? says:

    This post kinda made up for the last one. I mean:

    “It went from mythology to orthodoxy during the last days of black metal…”

    I am going to forget the post about BAHIMIRON then…

  27. you're probably a homo anyway says:

    I take that back. I listened to Mastodon’s early work and thought it was too brutal for my ears. I like stoner/sludge rock like Baroness. Even though I don’t smoke weed, I do have a slight addict to having big muscular black guys sticking their dicks in my rectum. It’s suitable for listening to really good bands like Baroness who try to sound like Mastodon but can’t master the musicianship they have. I’ve met those guys in Baroness, they like dicks in their ass too. Except they like hipster dicks instead. The singer paints the album covers with a dick up his ass everytime.

  28. you should seriously consider counseling for being a homosexual says:

    >and thought it was too brutal for my ears

    Even if this were true, what’s wrong with that? Since when has good music ever been “brutal”? What makes Baroness successful is that it doesn’t care about such infantile kiddie shit. It’s as heavy as it needs to be, which is still pretty heavy, and that’s it.

  29. you should seriously consider counseling for being a homosexual says:

    It worked for me: here i am listening to gay shit like Baroness !

  30. MupPeT Mc GO0 says:

    This is why metal heads hate God.


    Adrian: As with any other metal fan, I was an evil little demon, vandalizing, and getting into fights on the streets of Chicago. So much that my parents decided to place me in Catholic School. This decision was important since it instilled the hatred I now feel towards the Christian God and his Church. According to his doctrine, humans should fear the all powerful God in their daily life, their week minds see that if they obey his laws they will be reward with eternal life in heaven. With this form of religion, the servants of God brainwash their children into fearing and accepting their dogma. Their organized religion is making fools of these followers as they dish out their souls for reconciliation. If they would only believe that God is merely an aspect of your own mind, and that you can accomplish anything as long as you focus on your goals. God is you, and you are God nothing can ever take that away form you. Also, in their Christianizing of the pagans, the Church burned many occult texts or hid certain ones from the public so that humanity would not question their authority. The Bible itself is a collection of pagan thoughts and Christian aspects such as Mary and the Child, which can be a reference to the Mother Goddess in early ancient religions. The fact that the writings of the bible are just interpretations of its writers (apostles), and not actually written by them also contributes to the book of lies these organized religions have created to uphold moral law.

    Forest of Impaled interview:

  31. metal is so sad in its transparency says:

    >As with any other metal fan, I was an evil little demon, vandalizing, and getting into fights on the streets of Chicago. So much that my parents decided to place me in Catholic School.

    He could have just stopped there to answer the question of metalfags wearing inverted crosses etc. Yeah, it’s a well-known fact that the “xtreem antichristian metallers” are the ones who come from Christian households and are so mentally and emotionally fucked up they’re basically still rebelling against their parents, or the priests who molested them, into their 20s and 30s.

    Me, I come from a secular atheist household and I learned more about Christianity from metal than I did from any other source. I didn’t even know what the fuck a “eucharist” was until I found the band. Nice job, “anti-Christian” metal.

  32. brutal slayer of christians, noble hessian warrior of death says:

    Let your soul be consumed by the dark symphonies of VON…majestic primal minimalist music:

  33. brutal slayer of christians, noble hessian warrior of death says:

    Why are you so fixated with autism and aspergers? Did one of your ESL teachers used to call you that in some shit international school?

  34. ancient says:

    Only a pussy would be against murder-cults.

  35. @Anus says:

    >Allahu ackbar!

    You tell everyone that Christianity is for liberal hipsters but think Islamic fundamentalism is really ‘edgy’. I bet you guys were ‘Commies’ in the 80s when that shtick was ‘offensive’.

  36. VICTORY IZ MINE says:

    >Why are you so fixated with autism and aspergers?

    Why are you surprised a blog that autistically call people “proles” gets called out for acting autistic?

  37. Good point "@Anus" says:

    One of the heroes here at Anus is/was Osama bin Laden yet they hate Jesus who was the biggest mental terrorist ever. He enslaves billions each century. You have to give credit to that motherfucker.

  38. Levy_Spearmen says:

    God who?

  39. @Levy_Spearchucker says:

    God Damn It, that’s who!

  40. Levy_Spearmen says:

    That was a racist name in a hub and I got banned. I wonder why, many peoples have thrown spears. Perhaps not enough, though that is not my fault. Oh, well.

  41. says:

    It’s my post, take it or leave it, set me free
    What’s that crap prozak, know it all?
    I got my opinion, you got your opinion
    Be a good mod and set me free
    Mind your own business and leave my post
    You know everything, prozak know it all
    Very little knowledge is dangerous

    Stop deleting me, stop modding me
    Stop banning me, stop editing me
    Stop using-my-post-to-start-a-new-thread me, stop embarrassing me
    It’s my post

    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my worries
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my problems
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my worries
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my problems
    (It’s my post)

    Do you understand? I post the way I want to post
    I make decisions day and night
    Show me threads and good examples
    Stop telling people how to make their posts
    Take a trip to east and west
    You’ll find that you don’t know anything

    Every’s getting tired of you
    Sometimes you have to look and listen
    You can even learn from me
    Little knowledge is dangerous, it’s my post

    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my worries
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my problems
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my worries
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my problems
    (It’s my post)

    Set me free, so you conservative, so you aspie
    What you see is what you get
    Listen to people and sort things out
    Things I do, I do them no more
    Things I post, I post them no more
    Changes come once in life

    Stop deleting me, stop modding me
    Stop banning me, stop editing me
    Stop using-my-post-to-start-a-new-thread, stop embarrassing me
    It’s my post

    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my worries
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my problems
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post my worries
    (It’s my life)
    It’s my post my problems
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post
    (It’s my post)
    (It’s my post)

    (It’s my post)
    Stop deleting me, stop modding me
    (It’s my post)
    Stop banning me, stop editing me
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post, it’s my post
    (It’s my post)
    Stop using-my-post-to-start-a-new-thread, stop embarrassing me
    (It’s my post)
    Stop deleting me, stop modding me
    (It’s my post)
    It’s my post
    (It’s my post)

  42. Levy_Spearmen says:

    Nothing, and I mean fucking nothing, smells better than my armpits.

  43. @Levy_Spearmint says:

    You should try smelling my penis!

  44. Levy_Spearmen says:


  45. Coxor 3:17 says:

    At the dawn of time there was only one cock, called The Kreator, son of Hexor the Impaler, grandson of Goliath the Terrible and father of all mankind. On the first day of kreation, The Great Cock squirted water, air, earth and fire. From these he made the planet Earth. On the second day, He spunked organic tissue endowed with life and from it kreated humanity. Upon humanity he granted the power of nihilism through an endless misty jizz. Once the mist dispersed, a fully formed hessian warrior emerged and he spoke onto the crowd: “Embrace nihilism, my hessian brethren, and you shall be rewarded with good metal…” “and virginity” added one man in the crowd. Upon hearing the words of the wise hessian warrior, the crowd was overjoyed. Small pockets of homosexual activity started breaking out within the crowd – one man sucking the penis of anther, a man fucking the anus of yet another. Homosexuality spread and the Great Cock was appalled. In his anger, he sent out a storm of a thousand cocks to quell this rampant faggotry. As cocks rained upon the crowd, many were suffocated with cocks lodged in their throats, some had their eyes pocked out and the rest drowned in the river of jizz. So ends this chapter of the saga. Cock be with you.

  46. lets try this again says:

    >earthquake and other natural desasters still fucking kill people
    >nobody has killed all of those pesky bears yet
    >you’re visibly upser

  47. Prozak's taste blows says:

    Schumann was a turgid composer whose writing matched the “virtuosic” playing of his diseased, injured hands. Not everybody can be Chopin, but Toccata in C is the most retarded piano piece I’ve ever heard.

    Bruckner is wonderful for insomnia.

    Corelli, like most Italian baroque, is superficial and needlessly ornate, and can’t hold a candle to Bach.

    Schubert? I think his music is lovely, but he was one of the shallow, socially oriented, bisexual hipsters of his time. Stood for everything anus doesn’t.

    Mozart wrote technically pleasing, but emotionally static music to please wealthy patrons. The classical era is garbage for old ladies who like the Victorian atmosphere.

    Brahms: dry formulist crap. The musical embodiment of impotence, as Nietzsche said.

    Haydn wrote 100 variations of one mediocre symphony. Before his death he claimed he had just used to utilize horns properly.

  48. Levy_Spearmen says:


  49. Oh shit yeah says:


  50. yall some dummies says:

    Ignore everything, listen to Beethoven.

  51. Oh shit for real says:


  52. Respect should always come first says:

    I was watering my rose garden and you walked by my place
    I almost ran up to you in a lustful, unsensitive haste
    I almost cried cause I acted so insensitive
    But I wanted you to know about the feather-soft warmth I could give

    I respect your feelings
    I respect your gender
    I respect your existence
    I’ll always be tender
    Cause I respect your feelings
    As a woman and a human

    I’ll be the pansy-growing gardener of our bouquet of love
    A flower-wielding soldier with the grace of a dove
    I’ll love you all, heart, mind and soul, I’d never think of anything cheap
    I’ll read you some of my poems before you go to sleep

    I respect your feelings
    I respect your gender
    I respect your existence
    I’ll always be tender
    Cause I respect your feelings
    As a woman and a human


    “Fortune, on his damned quarrel smiling,
    Showed like a rebel’s whore”

  54. Levy_Spearmen says:

    Requesting an english translation of that quote.

  55. Levy_Spearmen says:

    Fortune(subject), on his damned quarrel(Fortune is acting upon this) smiling(Fortune is), showed like a rebel’s whore(now I just don’t understand what this implies). All in all, I just don’t understand what the quote is talking about.

  56. nature says:

    No, no, and NO aspies. Only Baroness is real:

  57. Mastodon is pure hessian brutality says:

    Baroness is faggy emo music for queer rectum lovers.

    Mastodon shits on them.

  58. guy who previously said he was dating a chick he met at a club says:

    I fucking hate women. Today I spent more on a single dinner than I spent in the entire last two weeks on groceries. All for a stupid make-out session at the end. Bitch *knows* I’m leaving soon and is just waiting out the clock, milking it for what it’s worth. And why is it the guy always has to pay? I should have asked her to cover the tip at least, or been like “hey, just give me a twenty and it’s cool”, but decided to act all cavalier about it… even though it’s not in my budget.

    Hey women, here’s my fucking message for you all:

    DIE, you fucking cunts.

  59. only good metal band says:

    Mastodon is alright but Baroness is infinitely better. You guys are fucking retards.


  60. @guy who previously... says:

    Grow a pair, fag. Also, why are even bothering with women when you should be preparing for your journey?

  61. guy who previously... says:

    A pair? A pair of what, man? Brain hemispheres? Yeah, I agree.

    As for why I bother with women now, it’s because I like the affection and I have everything else under control, or can at least pull it all together when I need to. My journey’s not for another two weeks. I haven’t seen this girl as often as I would like, usually due to her end. The worst part is the sex situation, which is virtually nullified now because my lease expires and I’m couch surfing. Which begs the question, why am I even bothering? (I have an easy answer to that: I actully like her.) Why do I do this to myself?

  62. left hand penis says:

    >Death metal, 1989

    That’s not when Scream Bloody Gore came out.

    In fact, Napalm Death themselves said in Choosing Death, anyone playing death metal after 1990 is just kidding themselves, the genre was dead and they were all clones. I agree.

  63. Levy_Spearmen says:

    Alright, I’ll help out faggo mcwhipped. Call up that bitch right now and tell her your going out. Drive her out to some dark, cold alley, pie her in the face and shove her out of the car. Drive off and pass the remaining days until your leave without contacting her once. Problem solved.

  64. misogynist says:

    I don’t have a car. I was only here temporarily.

  65. @only good metal band says:

    Baroness is for queer, homosexual stoners. Don’t fuck with Mastodon. They’re far superior.

  66. @above says:

    You’re dumb.

  67. @Levy_Spearmen says:

    Wait, why are virgins giving me relationship advice?

  68. @@Levy_Spearmen says:


Classic reviews: