Sadistic: Enlighten – Phösphorvs Paramovnt (2015)



Black metal as a countercultural force is stronger than ever! Enlighten’s nevv, trve, and Mötley Crüe extended play sparks the minds of searching listeners with a novel twist on the ambient, droning minimalism of lovably scruffy internet meme and murderer Varg Vikernes. Ditching Burzum’s reprehensible racism and homophobia for the soulful 80s rock ballad edge of tattooed, Tom Hardy lookalike Jon Nödtveidt’s Dissection makes the perfect soundtrack for a chilly night drinking whisky on the porch with your cardigan on her back. Phösphorvs Paramovnt comes highly recommended for fans of the spiritual material of Skagos and Vattnet Viskar who were entranced by Vice’s “True Norwegian Black Metal” doc. This release is strictly not for those still stuck in the decade-old, checkout line pop of Coldplay. – KIM KELLY


Major scale hipster tomfoolery is a cancerous, changeling impostor. Just from the poor cover and title, you know this release is probably going to be Coldplay. Enlighten do not let the listener down in putting power ballad butt rock into songs that superficially resemble Burzum’s ambient, droning black metal. This is another one strictly for the jegginged, tattooed, alt-bros into “black metal” for the “feels.” On track two, “Devourer ov Stars”, they even jack the keyboards from Coldplay’s Clocks to appeal to those thirty five year old, former frat bro, date rapist dads married to that ex-sorostitute they roofied senior year who do not want their jams played over the Target intercom. Not even being sacrificed to the anti-cosmic gods by the Temple of the Black Light could make these wind up monkeys achieve spacetime nirvana.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

19 thoughts on “Sadistic: Enlighten – Phösphorvs Paramovnt (2015)”

  1. freudian says:

    The spamming of v from the band and the mainstream reviewer/panderer was already a dead giveaway for typical “hipster black metal”. The translation was perfect though – I don’t even need to hear this band to know it’s an atrocity. The mainstream review seems more concerned with pushing an agenda by mentioning band members exploits and personas outside of the music. I suspect the band is either the reviewer’s friends and/or money/sexual favors/drugs were exchanged.

  2. Moloko + says:

    So are you trying to say it wuldnnt occur to you to give her yer cardigan on a chilly night? sounds like the typical dmu brat autist. Keep judging books by there covers dood

  3. Moloko + says:

    Coldplay Sammath varg Vikernes, Bruzum and nirvana all made worthier music, so what?

    1. Moloko + says:

      Also why do you judge on people’s sex life?

      I surely don’t like to be judged, if I love to put a cock in my mouth, it’s MY MOUTH !!!

      It doesn’t make me a homosexual and luckily people are progressing to being more open

      minded about that, so who are you guyz to judge what I like or do ?? Typical DMU autists !!!

      1. Daniel says:

        Music is not subjective.

        Sucking dicks in an alley means that you are more homosexual than those of us not intimate with the genitalia of other men.

        1. Moloko + says:

          As a catholic, this way of life is anathema to me. To be quite frank its disgusting. Still people can do what they want is their CHOICE in life you insensitive assholes

        2. Boredzum says:

          What about svkkin yr own kvlt dikk, man?

      2. Mastodon Fan says:

        I agree with Moloko. Sucking a nice cock is a longstanding Hessian traditional endeavor taught to Hessian warriors scouts before battle in case they were taken prisoners by the enemy.
        It also helped create friendships that lasted a lifetime. I am well versed in this heroic warrior artform in case anyones interested.

        1. Moloko + says:

          Listen kid, you don’t wanna go there. Homosexuality is not a plaything but a curse for anyone afflicted with it. And as it happens I’ve met many a mastadon fan that snatch-snagged their fair share of incubi, but at least they were mostly open about it unlike the average dmu/asd user =warning closet homosexuality!

          1. Manly Hessian says:

            Listen Moloko, if you like to squat on cock that’s your business, just don’t try to lure your way into the manly hessian sphere with your fruitiness because in case you haven’t noticed, the readership around here ain’t gay. You might wanna try the Metal-Archive’s forum.

            1. Moloko + says:

              You are entitles to your opinion but please do us all a favour and refrain from taking cheap shots at peoples sexuality or tastes in music.

              1. Moloko + says:

                Oh yeah and the mention of metal-archives from a dmu commenter couldn’t have been more ironic and predeictable. Ever wonder why this place never amounts to much?

      3. Moloko + says:

        help brett or david this post above is not the real Moloko +/DELETE this crass imposter

  4. Phil says:

    I want Brett back. He would have loved an inclusive, gay and proud Burzum clone.

    1. Bolingo Loverboy says:

      I agree. But I find Moloko gay and inclusive already. He’s a nice troll.

      I read somewhere that Avzhia from Mexico is about to release an ep in mid 2015!

      1. Moloko + says:

        I’m no troll my friend just trying to set the record straight wherever I find ignorant bigots. By the way I sent a link for this to Troy of Mastadon whom I happen to know irl, of course he took one look at the URL and laughed, but I’ll bet the other guys would have a good laugh too (that’s AT, not with you homophobic dumbasses).

        1. Moloko you and me have a lot in common. We are social justice warriors fighting for social justice.
          We set the record straight by telling people how they should think and which are the right ideas.
          Being their moral superiors is what we have to do. Heterosexuality is kind of passé anyways.
          Mastodon helped me find who I am and thanks to their music I came out of the closet and now we play
          their entire discography on all our LGBT reunions.

  5. BreadGod says:

    Good god, Kim Kelly can’t even go one paragraph without talking about how the current metal scene is evil and racist and homophobic and how social justice is the future of metal.

  6. gomang says:

    Moloko, you have misread something there as your statement doesn’t make sense.

Comments are closed.

Classic reviews: