Sadistic Metal Reviews 05-20-2015


Some albums ignite the listener’s imagination with visions of the different ways in which the would-be composers of atrocious musical attempts could be punished, not for their stupidity as they were just born that way, but for forcing it upon the rest of humanity.  This is what the Sadistic Metal Reviews are, symbolic impalement for the weaklings that overstep their bounds.
torche-restarter Maleficence – Journey to the Depths

That at a first glance even the classics of black metal appear to be simple, minimalist patterns stringed together is one of the most misleading aspects of the genre. Being a music born out of elitism and of outstanding men, black metal was not meant to be understood by the undermen, the subpar scum made up not by a particular race or ethnicity (which is what the undermen who do not understand Nietzsche actually think) but by the half-assers and those with limited neural capacity. When these imbeciles get together to make what they believe is black metal, all they can come up with is meaningless satanic gibberish that is both blatantly shallow and evidently ironic bullshit.

Satanic Ripper – Southern Black Spells

This is the kind of album that is reviewed sadistically because there is nothing to it. It is not the worse, but it isn’t actually good either. It is your average Sarcofago descendant that makes the same sort of unimproved rubbish as their idols. Add in some squealing leads here and there.  Randomly located, of course, these things don’t mean anything. Satanic is Satanic. Praise the Dark Lord. So scary. So black metal. So trve, man.And then reveal your sludge-doom occult rock influences. Take your boring shit elsewhere.

Third Ion – 13-8Bit

Streamlined Dream Theater pseudo-prog, a bit of 8-bit sounds here and there and gay power metal vocals that sometimes drift into Disturbed-like colorations. Contrasting sections for major impact. Reciting of Petrucci-like patterns in the riffs, the phrygian mode has to make an appearance.  Disorganized, pointless, showy, unoriginal, thoughtless. Made even more annoying by the way these musicians go out of their way to say “look at me!, look at me!”. Kill that drummer and his ill-placed polyrhythms.

Tyrant Goatgaldrakona – Horns in the Dark

The brutal riff syndrome. Although the band manages to put together riffs that are derived from each other, each song is made of a short progression of ideas that just ends. As ideas, the problem is that they are not concluded in any sort of way. Does all music have to be Beethovenian conclusion-oriented music? No, it doesn’t. But if you make music that appears to do that and then you fail to give appropriate conclusions, then, you have failed. Tyrant Goatgaldrakona, you have failed.

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9 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 05-20-2015”

  1. Daniel says:

    You failed to mention how Tyrant Goatgaldrakona just play dumbed down Dismember riffs in Incantation gone war metal songs.

  2. Nathan Metric says:

    Yikes, these are the worst albums for sadistik review yet.

    Tyrant Goatgaldrakona just cracked me up. That shit made my day right there. If they muted some more notes they would be the first slam black metal band.

    1. Daniel says:

      There have been much worse albums than these on Sadistik Metal Reviews. Some of these aren’t even awful or even truly bad; they’re just generic unsuccessful amateur attempts at copying other bands without realizing what made those older bands good besides a catchy riff, instrument tone, or melody. Hell, the HM-2ed up Entombedcore crowd (Bloodbath included) even fails at copying the tone as they’re too stupid to google how Uffe multitracked the rhythm guitars and too low rent to afford Dismember’s JCM 900 heads on top of tubes high gain enough (usually modified 5150s) to dime every knob to get that super fat uncontrolled beeswarm distortion.

      1. “Entombedcore” Ha!

        1. Daniel says:

          The sad part is it’s now a real subgenre of metallic hardcore.

      2. “they’re just generic unsuccessful amateur attempts at copying other bands without realizing what made those older bands good besides a catchy riff, instrument tone, or melody”

        That’s awful and truly bad.

  3. Anthony says:

    War metal as a genre really needs to fuck off. Sarcófago, Blasphemy, Beherit, Sacramentary Abolishment etc. are cool, but none of the newer bands apart from Axis of Advance have distinguished themselves in any way. Even then, most hardcore war metal dorks call that band a bunch of homos for using things like melody and song structures that actually make sense and riffs that aren’t mindlessly bashing chords up and down the neck.

    I know this sentence construction is becoming something of a broken record, but it bears repeating: does anybody actually enjoy Conqueror?

    1. Daniel says:

      I enjoy the New Zealand bands. People bitched about the new Diocletian as it had distinct songs, riffs, and you could hear everything! Heresiarch is good too.

      Conquerable is enjoyable as a deconstruction of Blasphemy and War Cult Supremacy record is fun trolling. Some of the songs and riffs are fine but the full retard unlistenable mix is not. James Reed’s drums are deliberately twice as loud as the guitars to make it sound like poop on purpose. Unsuccessful black metal recording, successful trolling of black metal fans.

    2. Rich or Dead says:

      The worst of these is Revenge. If somebody claims to be a Revenge fan you can be sure they are funderground wankers with zero ability to discern what notes and rhythms they are hearing.

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