Sadistic Metal Reviews 08-08-2015


In the Death Metal Underground, the promos are reviewed in two separate yet equally important groups: the worthy which are investigated thoroughly and the shelf turds used to test the wounding potential of artillery. These reviews are the latter.

Mastiphal – For a Glory of All Spirits, Rise for Victory (1995, reissued 2015)

Emperor started the mass delusion among basement dwellers that adding dark wave keyboards to random metal riffs constituted black metal rather than loose stool. Mastiphal obliged, stopped jerking off to Sailor Moon, and wrote carnival music around stolen metal riffs and goth rock choruses. Celtic Frost, Slayer, Deicide, and all your other favorites get the Clan of Xymox cocks. These uncut, smegma-encrusted Poles rim that Castlevania cartridge, gape it, and slam their sweaty balls away. The breakdowns are there for pulling out and sword fighting.

Also sprach Zarathutsra : man discovering tools :: Mastiphal : man discovering anilingus

Goatblood / Nuclear Perversions – Rex Judaeorum / Wolves of Apocalypse (2015)

More three chord hardcore punk played out of time by fat hipsters who want to enslave the south side of Chicago. Good luck with that pickup beat. How about a delightful goat curry instead? True island flavor. Only long pig available? It will be delicious. The succulent belly fat from all those PBRs will melt right in.

Fat War Metal Pig Curry

1. Thoroughly restrain the long pig. Pry off the gas masks and slit the pigs’ throats over a bucket in the Jewish and Moslem tradition. If their faces are too ornamented and disgusting to look at, put the gas masks back on and savagely strike the necks until all heads are severed.

2. Let the carcasses drain of blood for the black pudding. Did you think blood libel was false? Our bodies will naturally turn theirs into excrement.

3. Be sure to cut off all metallic ornamentation. Flay all subcutaneous ink. Scalp the upper part of the body and use your blow torch to defoliate the chest hair. When butchering and gutting the carcasses, be sure to save the intestine and fat for the pudding. Discard the diseased livers.

5. Clean the intestines and cube the meat not too lean.

6. Fry the cumin, coriander, tumeric, and peppers with ghee. You may also use some of the fat obtained from the thighs and midsection.

7. Rub the curry onto the cubes and let marinate for at least twelve hours. This is a smart time to prepare the pudding.

8. Heat oil and cook the mixture in a sauce pan on low heat for hours. Cover and be careful. Do not rush with your dish’s composition but do not worry too much; like war metal, curries play themselves.

9. Serve over rice.

Ithaqua – Initation to Obscure Mysteries (2015)

Greeks broke. Greeks need foreign currency. Greeks see black metal autists who buy everything with bullet belt. Greeks know metal autist like black metal on pro-tape cassette. Limited tape trade Discogs Ebay. Rotting Christ and Varathron most true drum machine sampler Hellenic black metal. True cult early 90s. Cover them on 300 limit copies. Sell all rights of recording to label to buy case of skunky Euro piss lager. Stroke hairy Hellenic forearms. Wish you were cool. Drink away 51% youth unemployment. Kill self.


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10 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 08-08-2015”

  1. Meek Metalhead says:

    Is there a version of that recipe for diabetics? Im also intolerant to goatpenis.

  2. Bertt says:

    Far more creative analogies were implemented here than all of David Rosales’ articles combined.

    It’s rather unfortunate that people don’t want to contribute to this site because nobody wants to work with David Rosales.

    Oh well. languishes and dies a slow death — but this article was a nice break from the haphazardness in which DR recklessly unleashes here.

  3. Mmmh.

    Suddenly I’ve an apetite for cake.
    I want cake!
    I want cake!

    the staff has a name
    butt-cheeks wide open in glee
    David Rosales!

    1. I actually wrote no single line here. ;)

      1. Bertt says:

        Hey DR,

        Ever think about being an innovator in the dietary supplement biz?

        Within the confines of your latino flesh dwells an essence of pure unbridled latino fervor. A passion, so to speak, so strong that it bypasses both logic and reason for a metaphysical gravitas of heightened emotional purposefulness. It’s the south american rendition of a kamikaze dive.

        But how can we introduce your latino fervor to suburban housewives while they sip wine and read books with Fabio on the cover whilst twiddling their beans in bathtubs?

        The means to bottling your latino fervor is up to you and the cosmos.

        But once you find out how, I’ll give you the next step to make it a commercial success:

        For a mere $19.99, a bottle of Rosalesque will revive in your soul a most rampant fervor in which no gringo can squelch. Passion will overwhelm, and reality will be pushed to the wayside.


          @ Bertt

          He’s not really latino, in fact Cory Van der Pol is not even Dutch. They’re just screen names that Brett Stevens uses to make it look like they’re other contributers to the site. David Rosales does not even exist just like most comments on this site are typed by ME. So now that we both know… can I interest you in a cup of tea? I’m a bonafide 69 expert!

  4. The photo you used from the Freaks and Geeks TV series episode 4, Kim Kelly Is My Friend”is when freak Kim Kelly (actress Busy Philipps) is pissed off at Karen for making out with Kim’s boyfriend, so Kim later has a change of heart and finally sticks up for geek Sam Weir (John Francis Daley, who acted similarly retarded in Waiting, with Ryan Reynolds).

    I don’t like the use of this photo in today’s Sadistic Metal Reviews 08-08-2015.
    I like her knockers..and other stuff.

    Thank you and Good Day !

    I say Good Day!

  5. Doug Killjoy says:

    So now bakeries are being forced to normalize prison sex? What is the world coming to??

  6. School Shooter says:

    Where’s part 4 of the recipe?

    1. SHIT SANDWICH says:

      Dead but dreaming with the reviewer’s liver.

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