Sadistic Metal Reviews: Blood Muzak’s Best

Poseur cash grab Finnish label Blood Music posted his favorites albums of 2017 recently on his Mosh Core Trends Fun book page. Nobody needs a 24 LP boxed set of Emperor (Only need In the Nightside Eclipse and Wrath of the Tyrant / Emperor compilation CD) featuring rehearsals of Ihsahn’s mom telling Emperor to stop dressing up like The Lost Boys and nobody needs anything on this poseur’s shilling list. Nobody wants to pay to join Blood Music’s fan club to buy his hipster merchandise. Blood Music should go shoot himself. A hollow point to the back of the head gets the job done as he has to blow up his shill lizard brain to make sure he dies for good. Do it.

Elder – Reflections of a Floating World (2017)
Elder are an indie rock band who downloaded a few Thin Lizzy and Hawkwind albums and decided to call themselves “metal”, “psychdelic”, and “progressive” as their all of their tracks are unedited ten minute jam sessions. Elder are none of those, being a bunch of hipsters playing dream pop with interspersed power chords and forgetting to finish the song every time. Listening to Reflections of a Floating World has the same experience as stumbling upon a drug fueled homosexual orgy with every participant having ironic seventies facial hair. Elder are voyeurs, holding their orgy in public, and want you to catch them wanking each other half. Shoot yourselves. Hollow points to the back of the head get the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brains to make sure you die.

Enslaved – E (2017)
More dream pop with electronic samples and random poorly done rasps and random pseudo-metal verses to confuse everyone with over an 100 IQ. How could anyone think this is good music? Enslaved, please stop soiling your pants and legacy. Even shooting yourselves like Dead from Mayhem and taking photos of it like Euronymous wouldn’t do jack shit to save your reputation. Enslaved would probably take them with the Instagram filters like the twenty something thots they are oh so desperate to sleep with as middle aged sellouts.

Danger – 太鼓 (2017)
Danger at their best have snippets that sound like chopped up John Carpenter scores. At the worst, this record sounds like The Lion King soundtrack remixed into EDM for gay clubs and highlighter disco parties. Shoot yourself. A hollow point to the back of the head gets the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brain to make sure you die.

Cormorant – Diaspora (2017)
Sludgy slowed down metalcore pretending to be death metal and doom metal like Cathedral. Ambient interludes do not make Cormorant progressive, they make them even more idiotic shit. Diaspora is incredibly boring shit. Kill yourselves you poseurs. Hollow points to the back of the head gets the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brains to make sure you die.

Slowdive – Slowdive (2017)
Slowed down dream pop for stoners. Anyone who likes this should kill themselves. A hollow point to the back of the head gets the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brain to make sure you die.

Master Boot Record – Interrupt Request (2017)
Wanky major scale electronica posing as metal made by a hipster autist techie ‘tard. At best sounds like Sega Mega Drive / Genesis music but why would anyone play this over playing Sega? Kill yourself ‘tard. A hollow point to the back of the head gets the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brain to make sure you die.

Septicflesh – Codex Omega (2017)
Septic Flesh play black ‘n’ roll with symphonic samples here. There’s no different from Dimmu Borgir on Codex Omega. Septicflesh even have breakdowns for the metalcore losers. Septic Fresh sounds like a business that pumps out septic systems and drives around in a van full of shit like Septicflesh does. Shoot yourselves. Hollow points to the back of the heads gets the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brains to make sure you die.

Jeremy Enigk – Ghosts (2017)
Indie rock made for poseurs with low testosterone and undescended testicles. Kill yourself. A hollow point to the back of the head gets the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brain to make sure you die.

The Faceless – In Becoming a Ghost (2017)
Completely randomized deathcore. Everything could be made from computer randomized verses and choruses from every other Sumerian Records band procedurally assembled together by computer software. Kill yourselves. A hollow point to the back of the heads gets the job done as you have to blow up your lizard brains to make sure you die.

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44 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Blood Muzak’s Best”

  1. Gorgowocoa says:

    Dan you faggot, why SMR shit nobody gives a fuck about while ignoring that Incantion release? It’s because I recommended it or something what the fuck is wrong with you??

    1. Robert says:

      I thought Dan was leaving. I wish Brett would come back and write reviews. This amateur style of writing without mentioning good bands is so fucking annoying.

    2. Robert says:

      Nah, Nox Intempesta and Orcustus released classics.

  2. Ryan Hanson says:

    You are fucking dumb. Lol.

  3. Anonynous says:

    What a shitty pointless review.

  4. maïne says:

    wow are you really taking 1 hour of your time to hate on some guy making his shitty (or not) end-of-year-list ?

  5. God says:

    Go suck your Daddy’s cock you inbred no good basement dwelling nerd who has nothing better to do than to jack off all day and write reviews about shit that you don’t even like. “A hollow point to the back of the head gets the job done,” right?

  6. Rainer Weikusat says:

    The image on the ‘membership’ page should have been used for something:

    However, there are probably people buying this stuff: On some gig in September, I had to wait behind some dandy-like guy with a handbag for access to the merchandise area. He seemed to be in bit of a bleck deaf shopping frenzy and ended up literally buying ‘one of everything’ while ocasionally giggling excitedly.

  7. Stephanie says:

    Suggesting someone should kill themselves or be killed is about as reprehensible as you can get. Maybe you should get some help with your own life and stop worrying about others.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Is it?

      ‘Killing people & blowing up stuff’ is the literary device of mainstream entertainment and nobody ever suggested that human culture as such would be in grave danger because of this.

    2. Perturbator = trash (like everything else on blood music) says:

      Listening to this music is slow suicide. Better then to put a bullet through your head.

  8. dear satan, this site has fallen to new lows. reviewing people’s favourite albums of the year lists? seriously?! pathetic…

  9. I Sacrificed My ANUS To Brett Stevens says:

    Slowdive isn’t even metal, so…

    Also, nobody gives a fuck about any of these bands anyways, so why bother reviewing them?

    1. national geographic nipples says:

      Loveless by effeminate hipster indie rock band MBV was always a DLA favorite, so shoegaze is “in dmu’s jurisdiction”

  10. Me says:

    Dan is a moron, A shitty long text with no information in it. Wow. He must be very lonly and only be reading magazins about guns. This little co**su**rt.

  11. ben umanov's dildo dradel says:

    You rock my world Daniel. Keep on doing what you do

  12. Varg's golden pubes says:

    Wait, so Slowdive is bad but the other shoegaze/dream pop band MBV gets a place in the Archives?

    1. national geographic nipples says:

      To be fair, MBV is better.
      It’s a tokenistic pick, though. MBV is flat-out pop music, even at their most “challenging.”

  13. Goddamn you’re a fucking douche. I suppose this is what you were going for? ‘Cause it’s clear you weren’t going for an “article” anyone would want to read.

    1. Perturbator = trash (like everything else on blood music) says:

      Why are you on this site then you faggot? Boo hoo, your music is shitty, boo hoo. Posers!

  14. cornrose says:

    Daniel is oh so sassy!! Sassy bitch!! I laugh my cunt off at these prissy fucks!

  15. Delusional says:

    So, are you trying to set a new kind of trend “Review of a random list on a facebook post”?… with idiots like you no wonder this website went to shit, also looks like crap even a wordpress template would be better

  16. Jarle S. Fremstad says:

    Congratulations for writing the most pointless thing on the internet; A review of a list. This is what millions of years of evolution has led to. You didn’t even try to make it funny or interesting or anything.. If anyone is a poser here, it would undoubtedly be you, a poser writer from a poser journalistic website subjecting actual readers to this inane bullshit. I could tell you to shoot yourself but you ran that “joke” into the ground in an astoundingly short amount of time.

    If you got paid for this, someone should just take your food away so you’d have to reevaluate your motivation.

  17. LOL says:

    All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
    Couldn’t put your broken, delicate butt together again

    1. intpaki says:

      my name is jon wild and i hate blacks

  18. FuckPuppet says:

    Dude, you can’t write reviews for shit. Someone needs to tell your mummy what you’ve been doing with your internet time, so you can be monitored a bit better.

  19. Attention Defecate Disorder says:


  20. Karat says:

    you know you are worthless as a writer when at least 50% of the content of your “article” is copy/paste of a single phrase. And really, poseur? what a pretentious little fag hahaha Did your learn that from your daddy’s boyfriend while he raped you last night?

    1. desu metal says:

      It’s easy to spot the new readers.

  21. Emil in the Maple Mountains says:

    I read less and less of this site, even the older ANUS articles, because I’ve realized the writers are and have always been depressed and miserable losers. A healthy person with high self-esteem and a functioning social life obviously doesn’t spend every day wallowing in negativity. Wonder why Rainer Weikusat is the most common poster in the comments?

    Don’t give me the ol’ “exposing and weeding out the shit” spin. Even if that was your goal with articles like this one, at the end of the day you would spend 90% of your time on the good stuff, because it’s a thousand times more important than the existence of the bad. It’s like if I called myself a chef, but most of what I told people about my job was how to keep rat shit out of the kitchen.

    1. I Am The Black Men says:

      An excellent point, sir.

    2. JohnnyReb says:

      I disagree. Before Daniel took over SMR, there was valuable information. Much more than just pictures of turds and telling people to kill themselves. This is no different than metal injection saying every last deathcore record will melt your face off. It is true that quality metal is hard to find, but to hear Daniel tell it, it is non-existent. It is a fact that Daniel is a miserable person, which is why he fixates on shit metal and pictures of poop. But just because past writers of this website wrote in a dry manner doesn’t make them miserable. They were able to recognize shit music, identify properly why it was shit, and then move on.
      As far as the commenters go, Rainer is one of the few who provides any kind of valuable feedback anymore. As recently as a year ago, most commenters here had useful things to say. Now they have all been reduced to witless trolls and retarded tranny stories.
      I enjoy reading websites such as old disgruntled bastard and bardo methodology. I keep coming back here because I’m hopeful the real content will return. I’m curious where you go to find useful content on metal.

      1. S.C says:

        This! What happened to conversation and engagement. How can any of the commenters here consider themselves elite when they display the opposite? Being contrary trolls that don’t like anything and shit everything that other people like by telling everything to go kill itself is a clear sign of insecurity, and very possibly, a lack of intellect high enough to actually engage in meaningful communication (both qualities negate any sense of elite status). That or the intelligent individuals who do participate in such a useless and inane game actually start to become that stupid because they don’t stimulate their ability to actually converse and challenge ideas and perceptions.

  22. LIL IMPETIGO says:

    Daniel, kys yourself

  23. Perturbator = trash (like everything else on blood music) says:

    Download the only Demilich album for free. Some of the only metal worth listening to upon reconsideration. Everyone complaining about this list review is a fag. Boo hoo. Your shitty Blood music crap is getting negatively reviewed. Boo hoo. Enslaved is an embarrassment and anyone who likes Eld or after doesn’t like metal and is a supreme poser who might be better off listening to shitty dance music. I guess that’s where the Blood music discography comes in. Posers!

  24. Anonymous says:

    I know this entire poorly written article was meant to talk shit on these bands but you ironically made them sound pretty cool so I had to check them out and ended up buying a bunch of their music! Thanks <3

  25. neutronhammer says:

    I for one enjoyed it.

  26. T H U L E A N P I S S P S C E C T I V E says:

    Please tell where I can meet “twenty something thots.

  27. WangCHANG says:

    I listen to Perturbator while I fuck heroin-addicted sluts.

  28. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

    Oh look, Maarat’s retard “reviews” are bringing assblasted fans of terrible music to the site. This is exactly why bad music shouldn’t even get mentioned on the site.

  29. nosoulman says:

    why are you so upset? :((

  30. 1917 or Die says:

    Fuck that, Apocalyptic Raids, A Blaze…, Unquestionable presence and you have the whole genre covered, Burzum if you really need those Eartha Kitt levels of annoying vocals with less balls in them.

  31. Jerkovovic says:

    Yeah stacks on daniel everyone.

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