Sadistic Metal Reviews: Pizza Grind

two baguettezzas

Some metal was created to be enjoyed drunk and alone with reality TV blaring in the background.

un testiculo malo
Orchiectomy – Un Testículo Malo (2016)
Chug, chug, blast, chug, chug, row-ree. Orchiectomy’s debut is a hodgepodge of poop and rape humor in typical comedian goregrind form. This style of metal started out for shock value as displayed with bands like Cannibal Corpse and Devourment, but eventually it molded into a scene of horseplay where bands try to gross out each other with demented over-the-top themes. It’s not much different than first graders flicking boogers at each other.

A persiflage of degeneracy, Orchiectomy presents these goregrind getups where being called ‘buffoons’ wouldn’t be frowned upon, but embraced. It seems that each song has a sampled introduction designed to repulse prudish women or make drunken/high concert goers laugh. When it comes to the music, not much musicality is found here outside of chugs and blasts delineated for people to run around in circles and slam into each other. The vocal variation certainly keeps these tracks afloat with their piggish intonations and down syndrome yells.

When goregrind/brutal death metal bands attempt to be serious it comes off as corny. The only serious aspect of Orchiectomy seems to be their desire to make people laugh and gross people out. Un Testículo Malo is competent at that.

collision satanic surgery
Collision – Satanic Surgery (2016)
Half hardcore-rooted grind, half crossover thrash, Satanic Surgery occasionally has decent thrash riffs variating effectively through several verses into catchy choruses. Unfortunately these songs all go on twice as long as they need to. If Collision excised the chug-along, hit people hardcore bonehead riffs and cut these crossover songs in half to grindcore lengths, Satanic Surgery would be compelling material to eat pizza and drink beer to. Instead all the songs manage to be boring and the second time you listen to it, your mashing forward on the CD player hoping the next track is more engaging like my life would be if I had friends.

This metal style is really meant to be enjoyed while punching people in the face but since am not allowed to leave my house due to an ankle bracelet, I am screwed. Smashing that douche banging my ex’s windshield with a folding chair was worth it. Collision at least gets me pumped for half the song before I get bored and want to kill myself. That’s when I cry and masturbate using my tears and WD-40 for lubricant. WD-40 is the only thing I found beneath the sink but it gets the job done and then some unlike Collision’s record. While not effective for Double Dragon II on the NES, Collision is useful as a porno soundtrack. The bouncy chugs are as great for pounding ass as they are for pounding people. Satanic Surgery provides me with fond memories of my incarceration.

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4 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Pizza Grind”

  1. ODB says:

    Teufel on DMU! All we now need is Bill Zebub to complete the unholy trifecta of early underground metal pioneers on the internet. An interesting threesome that would be, don’t you think?

    Goregrind is doofus music but I can take it in small doses as long as it is dark and threatening, and not the disco-groove variety. Neurovisceral Exhumation (who covered Profanation, for the record, and damn well too), LDoH, Lymphatic Phlegm, old Regurgitate…that’s some good stuff.

    1. Ass piss says:

      Who’s this Teufel guy? I want to look him up now.

  2. matters says:

    Thank you for not having a picture of shit for this story. That picture looks good and probably smells great, but the crust is probably too chewy.

  3. That Shitty toilet intro makes me laugh errrrrytime

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