Sadistic Metal Reviews: Three More for the Fire

burning three witches

Only the flames can purify these rehashed and generic sinners.

daat ep
Daat – There Are None So Blind As Those That Will Not See (2016)
Daat attempt to blend the dissonance of later Gorguts and Deathspell Omega back into actual black metal. The problem is the three songs on this EP are riff salads and half the riffs sound like something from an early Amon Amarth album back when Gothenburg bands imitated Enslaved in addition to Iron Maiden. The Gothenburg riffs, breakdowns, and cop out fade outs instead of actual conclusions leave me wanting to listen to better releases. Squirting sriracha on a hamburger from Wendy’s doesn’t change that you’re eating fast food from Wendy’s and will still be crying on the crapper ninety minutes later.

throes the viper womb
ThrOes – This Viper Womb (2016)
Metallica riffs made into noisy metalcore. This is what someone who loves Korn would think is good death metal. ThrOes (sic) should be tossed into a snake pit as their fathers should’ve worn rubbers over their vipers. Post-natal abortion is the only solution.

advermix pandeathmic
Advermix – Pandeathmic (2016)
Advermix are musically retarded. Rethrashed speed metal was old a decade ago. Advermix missed the Destruction, Kreator, Metallica, and Megadeth “comebacks” by fifteen years. On Pandeathmic, they stick their chubby fingers in the loose assholes of all your Eighties favorites: Slayer, Artillery, Celtic Frost, and Metallica before they were a joke. Fuck these guys. Sodomize them on bayonets like Gaddafi. Has anyone ever noticed that Gaddafi looked like Mr. Hands, the guy that got fucked to death by a horse? What a coincidence.

mr. hands

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17 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Three More for the Fire”

  1. Egledhron says:

    I’m becoming addicted to these reviews.

  2. lol says:

    Where do you guys even find those bands?

    1. They come to us like a flies to a spotlight.

      1. C.M. says:

        More like moths to flame, in most cases.

        1. Gabe Kagan says:

          If the DMU inbox is anything like how I left it, Dan and company are getting absolutely firebombed by press releases and promotional materials.

          1. He is not kidding. We miss you, Gabe. Cheers.

            1. Robert says:

              We miss you too, Brett!

          2. Gabe want to review some non-total shit for us?

  3. Kermit the Fucking Fuckface Frog says:


    1. C.M. says:

      Replacing the hard “c”s in your song titles with “k”s is okay. Even making up words is okay (if you’re Darkthrone). But Pandeathmic made me realize that there is a line and they have indeed crossed it.

      1. Kermit the Fucking Fuckface Frog says:

        Demilich made up a bunch of words too but ‘Pandeathmic’ (gaaahhhh) is really terrible. I guess since so many band names are already in use and the creative impetus to make metal has declined greatly, you can either go exceedingly stupid but original (see above and Blliigghhtteed (bleh)) or completely generic (Bestial Evil) when trying to come up with a name for a crappy band.

      2. Kermit the Fucking Fuckface Frog says:

        Also replacing those hard c’s is really stupid if you’re not Sadistik Exekution and even then it’s pretty fucking stupid.

        1. C.M. says:

          “Fukk” is stupid? Your metal license is hereby indefinitely suspended and may be revoked permanently upon further violation of sacred metal law.

          1. Kermit the Fucking Fuckface Frog says:

            Well I guess I better get my dubstep license so I can keep practicing music.

  4. OliveFox says:

    “Squirting Sriracha.”

    Nuff’ said.

  5. Parasite says:

    Gadaffi was Africa’s last stand against the global elite scum.

  6. Count Ringworm says:

    At least Mr Hands got his own movie.

    Well, posthumously of course.

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