Hoth – Astral Necromancy (single) (2018)

Boy howdy gang, today we get to listen to the lead single from an upcoming album by a Star-Wars themed American black metal band! Let us buckle our bullet belts and get to it!

The songs starts poorly with the vocalist inhaling a deep breath like a toddler getting ready to throw a fake tantrum in order to embarrass his mother into buying him some crappy toy off the impulse rack at the grocery store. The music kicks in immediately after and only serves to reinforce the initial impression. The song consists of 5 main parts that I labeled in my notes as, “intro/outro, A1, A2, lead, and solo.” The intro and A1 riff are both just tremolo picked arpeggios that are so common in ersatz metal, while the A2 riff is just the power-chord version of A1 riff. The lead riff is a jaunty, happy-go-lucky affair that prepares the listener for the peppermint vs. spearmint solo section of dueling lead guitars. Seriously guys, remember those old gum commercials where they would show a corporate boardroom’s version of hip young people skiing? The guitar solos from this song could so be in those commercials. The band tries to mask the verse-chorus-verse structure of the song by assembling these various pieces in what seems to be a random order, but in the end the song sounds very much like all those 90’s era rock songs that (misunderstood and stole) the Pixies quiet-to -loud dynamics. This verse-chorus structure is made obvious by the bellowing vocals of the A2/chorus; it seems like it was supposed to be a catchy, yell-along but the band was unable to quite execute this and ended up with a Greg Louganis moment – the listener can only try and avoid getting the AIDS blood on himself. The production sounds remarkably like Dissection’s “Storm of Lights Bane.” The drums sound like they are programmed and the patterns are predictable and boring and do little besides keep the time. The most telling moment in the song is this particular lyrical couplet, “Confronted in solitude, he is faced with the gnawing truth:/that it was not darkness where he was birthed.” The song is clearly supposed to be about some sort of dichotomy and after a bit of thought one will realize the gnawing truth that the song is about the band themselves: they were birthed in rock although they try awfully hard to cloak themselves in darkness to sound like metal. This song is a fake tantrum – the band is red-faced, kicking and screaming and insisting that they are metal when they are, in fact, rock.

Way back when I was a young ‘un in the “just say no” days, we were told the following story. A man is walking in the mountains in a snow storm and sees a rattlesnake. The snake says, “I am freezing to death, please put me in your coat and take me into the warm valley. I promise not to bite you.” The man hesitates at first, but agrees after the snake promises again not to bite him. When they get to the valley, the snake bites him right in the face. And on the dick. The man yells, “YOU PROMISED NOT TO BITE ME, YOU BITCH-ASS FUCKER!” To this, the snake responds,”Stupid shithead, you knew what I was when you picked me up you faggot-humping cheerfuck.” Word for word that is the story they told me when I was 4 years old. Now, as a reviewer, I do try very hard to listen to the music itself when forming an opinion. Music should rise or fall on its merits as music. That being said, there were plenty of warning rattles with this band. First off, they are from Seattle. Second, they put out an ironic Christmas song several years ago. Third, their name is Hoth. They are named after something from goddamn Star Wars – the planet where the GOOD GUYS of the series hang out. What metal band names themselves with a reference to the good guys? Would you trust the music of a metal band called “Bilbo Baggins?” I would hope not. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Anyhoo, this song is the lead single from Hoth’s upcoming album “Astral Necromancy” which is being released on June 15th. I, for one, will be doing something else that day. Probably handling rattlesnakes

21 thoughts on “Hoth – Astral Necromancy (single) (2018)”

  1. I am the wack blizzards says:

    The rebels only hung out on hoth because the climate was too brutal for imperial patrols

    And then they got their asses kicked there

    Hoth is definitely the most metal planet and scenario in the trilogy, followed closely by tattooing

    I mean hell the name even has the word tattoo in it, what’s metaler than tattoos?

    Anyway this review reads like what I imagine the band sounds like

    About as pointed as this comment

    We should all kill ourselves

    1. I am the wack blizzards says:

      Tattooine not tattooing, fuck smart phones

      1. Charles Stuart says:

        Lucas stole the name Tattouine from a town in Tunisia. FUCKING HARD CORE stealing place names from mohommedans.

        1. I am the wack blizzards says:

          That’s one of Lucas’ less grievous offenses

          He may as well have credited Joseph Campbell as a writer

          And wait I thought this site was all about stealing stuff from the ay-rabs so why the gripe?

          1. Charles Stuart says:

            Other than oil and perhaps their scimitars, I’d don’t see much of value to steal from the mohommedans.

            At least Lucas had a modicum of integrity back in the days when Empire Strikes Back was created. At this point the franchise is just a giant gay rape-machine.

            “Anyway this review reads like what I imagine the band sounds like”
            Ha – that is what I was attempting to do. However, I am wondering if you are trying to insult my writing in a backhanded way, hahahaha.

            1. I am the wack blizzards says:

              Well it was a slight but directed more toward the band rather than the review or it’s author

              If you meant to reflect the musical lack of enthusiasm in your writing then you succeeded

              And don’t get me wrong I am a big fan of Lucas’ original trilogy, but all the characteristic originality is in the aesthetic and not the storytelling or characters or even locations

              The witch of endor was the woman who summoned the spirit of the dead prophet Samuel in the bible so there’s another real world referent

              1. Charles Stuart says:

                I really never got too into the original trilogy, but Empire Strikes Back is my favourite of the bunch. The walkers coming out of the fog on Hoth is a pretty menacing scene. I did verily enjoy the TIE fighter computer game in my younger days – like Brock said in his review, excellent, interesting plot and rather challenging game play – so much so that I bought it again of recently. So, yeah, I guess since I purchased that I at least got a feel of the tip of the rape machine.

                I suppose my point is that Star Wars references in this day and age tend to be a dead give away for hipster LARPers… I have zero interest in seeing them in metal. I’d have the same reaction to comic-book references in metal. There is no reason that it would have to be bad, but it is not a promising sign.

                Feel free to slight, criticize, and hate. Always looking to improve or at least have a laugh. Your comments tend to be good so regardless of what you say they don’t go unregarded.

                1. Brock Dorsey says:

                  Agree on this wholeheartedly. I was a massive Star Wars fan growing up, read all of the expanded universe young adult novels, knew all of the backstories on random characters that appeared on screen for less than 30 seconds, etc… But now I have renounced my fandom as it’s become a haven for life-dropout manchildren who have no ability to function in the real world. Star Wars has gone from an interesting perspective on humanity’s philosophical and political tendencies (even in the second trilogy) to being destructive of American society and Western Civilization, a destruction we can afford to live without.

                  1. I am the wack blizzards says:

                    Deciding that you no longer like something just because it’s being marketed toward weiner nu males makes you a weiner as well

                    You should renounce metal for consistency’s sake

                    1. Brock Dorsey says:

                      Maybe I should renounce approving gay comments like this too?

                      But to your point, it’s also because nothing but ass has come from Disney’s acquisition of Star Wars. Not exactly true for metal, even in light of all tge soy metal there’s dome good stuff put there

                    2. I am the wack blizzards says:

                      You can’t stop approving gay comments on a gay hookup comments section fool

                      If you feel dumb for reading the pulpy eu novels then just move on but don’t blame the franchise itself for your embarrassment dawg

                      The kevin j Anderson and Michael stackpole books were really fun reads, I read em all as a youngster, and later checked out stackpole’s mechwarrior books and they were dope too

                      Shit rules, don’t let the trend faggotry drive you away from stuff you enjoy, is all I have to say

                    3. Charles Stuart says:

                      I don’t see the problem. He re-analyzed his choices when new information became available. Just as probably all of us liked horrible bands when we were young ‘un, we re-analyzed our choices as new information became available and made, new, better choices.

                    4. I am the wack blizzards says:

                      “I used to like the thing but now faggots also like the thing so I don’t want to like the thing any more because I’m not a faggot” = you let faggots that you don’t like dictate the things that you do like

                      If you like something just recognize that it moves a part of you and don’t be pressured by trendy faggots one way or another, it’s a simple concept, star wars pulp novels rule, be true to yourself, go get your dick sucked

                  2. Joe says:

                    “But now I have renounced my fandom as it’s become a haven for life-dropout manchildren who have no ability to function in the real world. ”

                    What the fuck do you do ‘in the real world’?

                    1. Brock Dorsey says:

                      Accounting (previously compliance)

  2. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

    This is shemale music!

    1. HELL V.666 says:

      recommend me something?

      seriously, or I’ll call you poser TRANNY from today!

      1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

        For many aeons I have also listened to the bestial sounds of war metal and when I meditate under the uncaring black sky to reflect on naaaaaysure I say to hell with it! To hell with this gay soylent fueled world! I’m gonna rape all these trannies! I’m not a fag! I don’t do reach arounds! Rape!

        Other than that maybe listen to the first Dismember again.

        1. Charles Stuart says:

          In the words of Dead through the mouth of Attila, “TRANNY RAPE IS IMMORTAL!”

  3. Dead Meat says:

    No, but I would trust a band named Dildo Faggins. Tranny-riding whore metal.

  4. Jewish subversion says:

    Star Wars is Hollywood-ized Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism)& space travel propaganda for the fluoridated modern goy. Looking forward to the complete destruction of the franchise.

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