Mastadon – Cold Dark Place Really Sucks

Bought an EP of Cold Dark Place by Mastadon, since the album cover looked cool, like a classic Aeternus. To my dismay, as I started track one, some horrible over-produced folk-rock attempt came blaring through my headphones, complete with horrible synced male and female off-pitched vocals.  Another track has a weird, crappy beat and Jane’s addiction styled vocals.  These songs are so bad that its hard to listen to more than fifteen seconds of each song before feeling violently ripped-off.

Upon reflection, I realized that Cold Dark Place is a lame name for a recording.  It sounds like a vagina that couldn’t get going properly for sex or something.  The four tracks on this thing are so bad that I not only wanted to return the CD, I actually wanted to throw it at someone, and hit them in the head with it.  I don’t know what the hell they thought they were doing with this recording, but it frankly sounds like a failed attempt to merge Stevie Nicks with Jane’s Addiction or something.  Surely, this does not belong in the metal section.  I don’t know if this band’s other albums are as pitiful as this one.  If so, this band should be purged from metal altogether. It’s hard for me to even go back and try to listen to the songs to describe each one.  Trying to listen to 20 seconds of each song , twice through made me feel like going to anger management courses, because this album is so wimpy.  This EP was a total fail, and could explain things like the Vegas Massacre.   When people get ripped off, they get violent.

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41 thoughts on “Mastadon – Cold Dark Place Really Sucks”

  1. ass bologna says:


    What do you pay your editors?

  2. Kyle says:

    Ay man nice try at being all chill or whatever

  3. Psychic Psych Toad says:

    Yeah, but the R.E.M. influence makes it heshy…

    1. cornrose says:


  4. Ackmed says:

    That was Gay even for Mastodon. You should go see Black Panther it’s my favorite movie

  5. JohnnyReb says:

    Well, it’s Mastodon. What were you expecting? Dillinger Escape Plan?

  6. Mister Syre says:

    This is getting worse each passing week…

    1. LordKrumb says:


      This article is a terrible review of terrible music. Pointless.

  7. Incessant Ballerism says:

    Where are we at with R.E.M.’s influence on extreme metal?

  8. This tripe reminds me of Paul Masvidal’s Portal, some of the horseshit that made everyone forget about Zebulon Pike, and System of a Downes or Breaking Benjamen all jerking eachother off backstage with “not your whore mom’s rootbeer” IPA-flavored beard oil. Not to mention the influence of obvious African handclap-based music tropes. Just play “Rusty Cage” already and shut the fuck up you musically verbose double niggers.

  9. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

    The music and cover all say one thing: shemale music.

    1. I raped Daniel Mallrat says:

      You’re a cringelord.
      Please die.

  10. T. Desecration says:

    Why would such an article even be created? Mastodon is of the gays!

  11. Darkseid says:

    This is insane. How could anyone not already know that Mastodon fucking sucks? If you somehow listened to this EP all the way through, you’d better get tested for AIDS.

  12. Coolest Monkey In The Jungle says:

    UK readers of this site will know that for the last 10 years or so Mastodon have been pushed by the MSM/MMSM as the next Metallica or Slayer, despite having not written one memorable song or riff. I seem to remember they’ve been on the BBC a few times. At this point, they just exist to meet a quota of “extreme” music as if it fulfils some requirement to cater to white people. Because white people must have rock music, even though the MSM/MSMM can’t tell the difference between rock, rock’n’roll, heavy metal, death metal, black metal, thrash metal, punk, and nu-metal, and use these terms interchangeably.

    1. Mastodon Guy says:

      Remission and Leviathan had plenty of memorable riffs.

      1. Psychic Psych Toad says:

        Lol during which songs? The fire ant song, the loch ness monster song, or the hoof song? That shit sounds like Korn!

        1. Mastodon Guy says:

          You’re deaf. Those albums are nothing like Korn albums. Mastodon were way more technical musicians.

          1. Mastodon is gay says:

            Mastodon is gay.

            1. Mastodon Guy says:

              They are gay now. Not early on though.

              1. Mastodon is always gay says:

                LIES! Mastodon was and will always be gay. Same with Gojira.

                1. Mastodon Guy says:

                  If that’s the case, then “Legion” era Deicide was gay, too. Remember, the heroes of death metal, Morbid Angel we’re British cigarettes/f@gs. Mastodon made two legendary albums with riffs that would run circles around most bands in the underground death and black metal scene.

                  1. Gimme my NWN and trannies! says:

                    Then you never liked metal to begin with. Do you defend the Melvins too? Bunch of fucking fag transvestites around here, not even trannies!

                    1. Mastodon Guy says:

                      No, I love metal. Never really liked Melvins. But yes, Morbid Angel and Deicide are/were f@gs. But yes, Mastodon had great riffs on their early albums. They just went full retard after Blood Mountain (and that album is a sign of their decline).

                  2. fashy bowlcut says:

                    Heavy artillery right here

      2. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:


  13. Morbideathscream says:

    No shit it sucks, it’s Mastodon, a band widely known for playing core-ish type music. This site now gives more credit to the whitechapel vocalist than Martin Van Drunen or John Tardy, so go figure. The DMU is dead…

    1. fashy bowlcut says:

      They aren’t remotely metalcore, they sound nothing like Earth Crisis or Botch or Converge

      Mastodon play alt-rock/butt rock/cock rock

      1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

        Shemale music.

    2. Chainzz tha rap.god says:

      No body be givin teh credz to whitegayel peez jus be showin da komplet pak age

  14. Teutonick says:

    ” the album cover looked cool.”
    The cover may have looked cool, but there were also big letters at the top that clearly say: MASTADON.

    This should have been a hint.

  15. Become Just B says:

    Hell I must be a shemale because I actually like Cold Dark Place. And Emperor Of Sand.

    1. Mastodon Guy says:

      Yes, you’re a shemale.

  16. Nobody says:


  17. sgt major says:

    So many dumb fucks here, unbelieveable.

    1. General Liutenant says:

      You are a major faggot and Mastodon sucks cocks, believe it!

  18. Dispirited says:

    The artist on the cover is Richey Beckett. Good stuff. Sadly he collaborates with Mastodon, Kvelertak, and Baroness, all pop rock bands pretending to be Metal.

    1. Gimme my NWN and trannies! says:

      Pop rock pretending to be metal is shemale music. Look at the estrogen tits on the Mastodon “guys”.

      1. I raped Daniel Mallrat says:

        Kys cringelord.

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