Death Metal Underground has not run a contest in quite some time; since we found our slogan: “Sodomize the Weak” from Blood‘s O Agios Pethane. Our staff collectively feels it is time for another round. Social justice warriors, antifascists, and communists have been annoying the heavy metal world lately. We have decided to counter back with a short story contest.
This one is inspired by a certain classic pay cable package channel’s late night television program. Death Metal Underground wants you to explore sex with pink-haired, pixie-cutted pinko pussy hat wearers. Share with us your experiences and findings with emphasis on the unusual and the bizarre. They do not have to be real but please approach this particular species’ usually non-reproductive habits from an anthropological perspective. If there are grains of truth to the shark-fucking, then all the better. Strap on your pith helmets, unsheath your machetes to slash through the gnarled muff, and let’s penetrate deep into the heart of the blue states.
- Here are the rules:
- Your story must be between 500-5,000 words and involve social justice warriors, reds, pinkos, queers, liberals, or Democrats in compromising unusual and bizarre situations. Do your research. The more interesting and graphic the mating habits, the better. All the more so if it involves those who have been antagonizing and trying to censor metal, e.g. a crust fund alleged groupie ogress signal booster, a promiscuous busty UC Berkeley coed turned communist calling in bomb scares, and an effeminate balding semitic scaremonger with a fondness for small dogs.
- You must submit your story as a comment to this article by 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time on Monday, April 17, 2017. Your story must be your own work: fictional, factual, or heavily embellished. If you’re using actual SJWs and your satirical story is fictional and not outrageous (i.e. one that’s not going to win), please use thinly veiled stand-ins. Remember your goal is to entertain and enlighten us!
- The winner gets a free record of our choice; two if the winning story involves a social justice warrior Death Metal Underground has previously reported on or a cheap stand-in thereof. Leave a real email address with your story so we may send you your potential prize; no address, no prize.
Contest extended through Friday the 21st 11:59 PM. A few people contacted me saying they needed time to work on the morbid details of leftist degeneracy.