/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews – Post Black Metal Eulogy (Part 2)

In post black metal, we saw riffs being declared null and void in favor of atmosphere.  Gone were the melodic harmonies of Iron Maiden and Dissection, the savage atonal decimation of Morbid Angel and Blasphemy, and the memorable rhythm and lead guitarwork of Slayer and Death.  All this came in favor of completely forgettable riffs and songs in favor of an overall spacey “transcendental” experience.  Aesthetically, post metal was the reflection of progressive societal values of the 2010s- the emassculation of men (all musicians were Nu Males), artwork made by douche bag art degree scumbags that live in ghettos, and tame, timid, “spiritual but not religious” lyrics that had not a shred of aggression or danger.

It didn’t have to be like this.  There could have been ways for bands to experiment with post rock/shoegaze elements and still maintain the foundation of a metal presentation, maintain metal aesthetics, and have attitude or edge.  But not a single band- NOT A SINGLE ONE- was capable of doing so, proving that the accusations of these bands/musicians not being metal were to be fully valid and accurate.

This is the absolute end of post black metal before it circles the drain of a shit-stained toilet and is flushed to the bowels of irrelevancy.  A finally eulogy to a genre that never should have happened.  The musicians will bleed out their parents money and then become homeless, get aids from a bad batch of heroin, and die a miserable death in an alleyway gutter where they should have been left to rot at birth.

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Antestor Re-Release of Return of the Black Death Out Today!

Fuck yes!  Legendary Norwegian black metal band Antestor have re-released their timeless classic Return of the Black Death via the Nordic Mission label.  If you’re too much of a sodomite pussy to know, this album was the best release (and probably only good one) on the famed Cacophonous Records, who gave us the earliest works of Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir- those fucking scumbags!  This album was also the precursor to the depressive/suicidal black metal genre that immediately became gay when Xasthur first put on his little makeup kit and started doing blek majick.  Yeah, I bet you thought Sortsind and Burzum started that shit-NOPE!  It was all a second rate ripoff of Antestor’s sorrow metal!

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Soymetal Dies As True Metal Rises

As predicted here, the takeover of underground metal by late hardcore tinged substitutes has failed. This music, which we might call “soymetal” because it appeals more to the emo hardcore audience than the feral and realistic traditional metal one, took over because after the underground fizzled in the hands of NWN/FMP impersonators, labels found a new audience in whiny millennial SJWs. (more…)

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Adramelech Reissuing Pure Blood Doom

Pure Blood Doom, the notoriously hard to find second album by elite Finnish death metal band Adramelech, has been scheduled for re-release on cd and limited vinyl courtesy of Nuclear Abominations Records. According to the press-release, hungry customers can expect “new, remastered sound and new, improved layout and cover by artist Turkka Rantanen who already drew the original art”.

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Pushback Against SJW Invasion Of Metal Begins With Anti-Metalsucks Campaign

Sometimes recognizing parasites becomes difficult. They sidle up to your genre, think that is fairly cool and they want a piece of that action, and then they morph themselves into clones of the fans of that genre. Then they shlurp their way inside of its cell walls, consume its vital energy, and inject their DNA into its core, replacing all that made it unique and meaningful. (more…)

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Hipsters Discover That Black Metal Musicians Are Bad

Another scandal!  Yes folks, for the fourth time in the past two or three weeks, hipster journalists and fake metal fans are shocked and appalled that a black metal musician has done something immoral.  Despite black metal being a music genre for 30 years, smelly neckbeard losers and dreadlocked trust fund crusties are figuratively (though literally in some cases) throwing their own feces every time they catch a mid-tier black metal musician doing something not socially acceptable.  This time, the horrific act came from Marduk, whose purchasing of German World War II merchandise from a sketchy online retailer made them too evil for a fest called Stockholm Slaughter (who apparently think slaughter is cool, but just not when it pertains to 1940s Europe).

Because millennials are too dumb to learn any history that doesn’t involve student loans, let’s quickly look back and see if any criminal or immoral things were done by the original black metal bands.  Maybe there’s something that we can learn from  that fateful 1990s Norwegian scene:

Band                   Criminal/Immoral Act

Burzum                Murder, violating parole with a shitload of explosives, arson, Nazism, white supremacy

Dimmu Borgir    Using the N word in an interview/proclaiming the desire to genocide Africans

Emperor              Hate crime murder of a homosexual, arson

Gorgoroth           Rape, battery and torture, violation of Poland’s animal rights laws, homosexuality

Immortal             Arson

Mayhem              Murder, 2nd degree murder, arson, public mutilation, trashing hotels

Satyricon            Rape, arson, rape

Thorns                2nd degree murder

I’m sorry to break this to everyone living in a liberal bubble, but a painfully obvious truth exists:  black metal musicians are bad men.

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