Death Metal General- Ruined Holiday Edition

Since there have been exactly zero stories in the metal news this week warranting their own article let’s make the most out of the opportunity to try something new:  A rapid-fire news roundup in chad imageboard format.

CUCKED METALCORE SINGER ROBBED

>>The home of whiny singer of MTV scenester band Atilla was burglarized over the weekend

>>Chris Fonzak, the victim, was previously known for bragging about money and luxorious items on his social media account

>>Suspects are believed to be a short Italian man with a golden tooth and a taller more autistic looking man

>>pic related

 

 ANOTHER IMMOLATION TOUR

>>Be me

>>Create legendary death metal albums in the early 90’s that earned a mandatory place in every metalhead’s collection

>>Tour on shitty album released this year

>>Be Morbid Angel

>>Pic unrelated

 

BASED VARG DOGGO MAULS “IMMIGRANT” CAT: BITES 27 TIMES

>>In a new video on his Thulean Perspective channel, Norwegian Black Metal legend-turned-homeless-Santa-Claus Varg Vikernes brags about his dog killing an “immigrant” cat in his yard

>>Still unable to cope with Christianity’s merciless conquest of his ancestors, Varg descends further into dementia while mom continues to send money

>>Operators of the Black Metal Cats Facebook page on suicide watch

 

GHOST DOCUMENTARY FT. TINY PECKERS

>>Embarrassing Grammy rock band Ghost- known for being a parody of metal- releasing a new documentary from their tours

>>Metal documentaries remain code word for “gay porn,” continuing the trend of male musicians showing their penises on camera (started by Pantera in 1993’s “Vulgar Video”)

>> If the gimmick of Ghost is to be a bunch of anonymous musicians hiding in masks wouldn’t documenting their private lives be counterproductive?

 

CANNIBAL CORP$$$E SONG IN NEW WILL SMITH MOVIE

>>Cannibal Corpse’s “Hammer Smashed Faced” is a focal point in the new Will Smith movie “Bright”

>>Hammer Smashed Faced remains the only death metal song used in Hollywood films

>>#Woke Chris Barnes to get royalty check, spend it on reefer, tweet about aliens

>>Moviegoers dismayed to find that Jim Carrey is not in the scene to mime the words

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8 thoughts on “Death Metal General- Ruined Holiday Edition”

  1. Thewaters says:

    You guys still taking news leads from readers?

  2. Flying Kites says:

    Yo imma ’boutta drop something totalitarian Nietzschien on yo’s in tha form of a question followed up with an answer. Yo it goes liek this:

    What is the highest virtue for slaves? To know when they are telling lies to others.

    Ponder that while sipping an inebriant. Peace! (through abeyance) #yolo

    1. Flying Kites says:

      Fuck please read that as ‘a answer’. Thanks!

  3. LostInTheANUS says:

    That’s what happens when you don’t put landmines on your lawn.

  4. Syphilis says:

    Didn`t Fenriz use a cat to get into politics once? How despicable, using immigrants for your own gains.

  5. taller more autistic looking man says:

    Ghost penis is exactly what I wanted for Christmas

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